Embracing the "Student Life"

I've been a student of some kind for the last 4 years or so of living in Finland.
I was studying Finnish once my boys got into day-care and then from there, decided I would like to get some sort of diploma and applied for a cooking vocational school.

The difference in the past years is living situations.

I've now completed my first week of living alone and this is what I have noticed:

• The kids are adjusting just fine.  As I've mentioned before - I normally went to the gym at night once they went to bed anyway - and they saw me first thing in the morning - so this in theory- for them-, has not changed.
• Loki is totally cool - Milo not so much.  :(
• There is 0 oppourtunity to fight with the PIC - not that we fought much anyway.  I don't like fighting - but now, there is really no space or time for it.
• PIC is socializing more and going out - which gives me a couple more hours with the kids if one protests bed time while he's doing things with friends.
• This is huge because he's quite shy and is always with his nose in a book for work-related purposes.
• I'm budgeting so much better and able to say "No" more to friends that want to go out.
• I'm budgeting my time so much better too.  I book time (mentally) for school, gym, kids and travelling about via bus to get them.  I'm not budgeting enough time for sleep - but I blame Milo and my permanent (?!) crappy sleeping schedule.
• I might not get to everything I want to do WHEN I want to - but it's getting done.
• I've gotten rid of crap and will have a table to sell stuff as well early next month.  Still a long way to go - but it's progress for me.
• I'm only buying food that I will eat, aiming for the discounted stuff regularly (within reason because I do not have a freezer!) and within reason.
• I aimed for discounted food regularly anyway (especially meat) - but because I don't have a freezer - I am not buying an excessive amount and I don't eat a lot of meat at home now either!
• I'm eating healthier.  I don't have the pressure of junk food of any kind (exception nachos - which I make healthy with cooked leftover meat, cheese and homemade guacamole for example) and my landlord had left behind some healthy goodies too - which was motivating.
• My kids hate anything healthy it seems and PIC's Crohn's doesn't help or motivate them to eat better either.  So I try to do my best with the kids and hide stuff regularly into food - but for myself - I'm happy that I can eat vegetarian occasionally and with whatever spices and ingredients I like without the kids nagging my ear off!
• I'm not eating as much - as in, I am not porking out on the regular. At night time I typically just have a sandwich, some yoghurt and a lot of water.
• I feel healthier, my pants are getting looser slowly and I have a bit more energy than before - for the most part.
• I do stuff my face at school.  Yep - free lunch until the end of the month - and I find I'm not as hungry at night time or the following morning because I am putting my heavier meal mid-day instead of late evening like before.
• Less food is being wasted at PIC's home.  This is because I typically don't eat there with them.  I'm present and helping when wanted or needed.  But I only eat the leftovers or extras.  This has resulted to less food needing to be prepared and therefor, less waste.  
• I'm learning that I had been overeating way too much before - and now that I don't factor myself in with his meal planning - he's saving a bunch of money from food not going to waste due to the kids.
  Think of me as a little portable compost machine.  HA HA.
• I'M BLOGGING MORE!  I know - it's crazy.  I'm actually at school writing this all out or in the morning while I wait impatiently for A-Man to get dressed for daycare!
• AND! I tested out my phone and I can vlog again while looking amazingly dorky with earphones plugged in!  So I will try to get back into that ASAP.
• I'm exercising more without realizing it.  This is because I take the dogs with me at night time - and bring them back in the morning - so there is about 15-minutes walk between our flats.  Yes, I can bike to and from and it's 5-minutes one way.  But because I value my life - I'm not cycling and bringing the dogs at the same time.  :P
• On the weekend there's a lot of extra walking too because I can do laundry then and brought the V-Man to come chill while we did laundry together (30-minutes/cycle).

For those thinking, "Oh you must get a ton of sleep now - all those years of broken sleep - you must finally be getting what you need now!"

Big fat NOPE.

Milo is stressed out - despite me doing everything in my power to make him comfortable.  My clothes are everywhere, I got new bones for him and Loki and while it is a small flat- there is space for them to sleep comfortably.
With that said, every morning - I have to bring the dogs back to PIC's place because Milo has separation anxiety when it comes to me leaving the new flat.  I can't let him bark all day (he would - trust me) - and the walls are quite thin and hearing him howl and bark would definitely drive my neighbours nuts I am sure.

And because those walls are thin - Milo hears everything.  If anyone is leaving their flat or entering - he goes wild.
I've tried to calm him down, I've told him to come to bed with me and so on - but the fact that my life is "clearly in danger" - he has to tell everyone to get away from my door and that he lives there.  :/
Unfortunately, I am moving again in August - so this is another issue for Milo and making it all the more stressful for everyone.

So I'm sleeping about 5 hours or less due to this and because I don't drink coffee - it's really taking a toll on me mentally.

And my body is programmed after 3 kids - to wake up between 2-4am for a feeding anyway...even though I haven't nursed M-Girl since she was 11-months old (she's now 3 years old).

Thankfully, I have a super long weekend coming up and then two more days of class before summer holiday.

Zzzz...
BIMU

A Side of Autism: The #NightLightGate

Something we never had to deal with before is our kids being afraid of the dark.
Until about a month ago - I was crashing on the sofa and noticed a light was on coming from the kids room.

I walked in and saw A-Man was asleep, M-Girl was in the "big bed" with her dad and V-Man was in bed falling asleep.
So who turned on the light?!

I was assuming it was A-Man because he had done it in the past and usually it involved waking up his sister to play.  But she was sound asleep with her dad and A-Man was snoring - even with the light on!

I shut off the light and immediately heard a whiny groan from the V-Man.

A quick look at my cell phone confirmed every parent's worst nightmare - it wasn't even 4am.  It's going to be a long f*cking day.

So he immediately jumped out of bed and turned the light back on and crawled back in bed.  V-Man pulled his blanket up over his head and that was it.

I adjusted the settings to my phone so the auto time-out on my phone would last for 10 minutes and I laid down in A-Man's bed nearby and tapped my screen so V-Man had some light.

It worked, he settled down and after an hour of tapping my phone whenever he woke up whining - he finally crashed.

The next day I shared this thought that perhaps the V-Man was scared of the dark.
PIC thought I was kidding - until I snapped due to lack of sleep.

Here's his argument:

1. He falls asleep in the dark.
2. It's dark all night in their room as they have thick, dark curtains - so it couldn't be the sunlight bothering him. (In Finland it gets bright very early during the summer months!)
3. Perhaps he woke up from a nightmare.
4. He's never been scared of the dark before - so why start now?
5. He is falling back asleep not because of my cell phone lighting but because of my presence.

So I whipped out my phone and went on the Whisper app and asked if it was possible for an autistic child to suddenly have a fear of the dark out of nowhere and what to do about it.

Someone autistic wrote back within minutes stating she's also afraid of the dark, never was before and a nightlight and a stuffed toy (if the V-Man's into them) should do the trick.

I told the PIC that I was going to buy a nightlight.

*Cue - biggest petty argument ever.

His reasons for not getting a nightlight:

1. It's a waste of money if it doesn't work.
2. He doesn't need one because he's "not scared of the dark..."
3. I need to stop spending money on things not being used.
4. Then he'll be dependent on the nightlight and the other kids aren't.
5. It was probably just a one-off kind of night.

I stared at PIC for a moment and decided - F-it - I am getting one.
I did the reasonable thing and waited to see what would happen the next night - lo and behold - the exact same thing happened before 4am.

I was a bit better prepared and made sure to nap a couple hours before dog-walking - so this way, the early wake-up wouldn't hurt so much.

After my experiment (as short as it may have been) - I battled back my arguments for getting a nightlight:

1. V-Man uses melatonin to fall asleep.  I've tried it once and it's quite hard to fight sleep once you've taken it.
2. I'm the one waking up - sure I could let V-Man sleep with the light on but it's a waste of electricity and I don't want to risk the other kids waking up.  I'm nasty when I don't get enough sleep - as pathetic as that sounds.
3. It's not a waste of money if it works.
4. We can wean a kid off a nightlight.
5. He crawls back to his bed to sleep.
6. If he had a nightmare - wouldn't he whine or cry?  He's absolutely silent when he turns the lights on.
7. My presence has nothing to do with it because it's just the light.  I'm not in the room when he turns the light on and crawls back in bed.

I bought a little nightlight and waited.

Third night in a row and he woke up between 2-4am and I quietly shut off the light and plugged in the nightlight.  It was a rotating one - so I pointed it downwards so it emitted a soft light in the room without flooding the whole room with light - and poof.  V-Man quieted and fell asleep.

So my new routine is putting the nightlight when I get back from walking the dogs - and we haven't had any issues since.

Now that I've moved out, I'm sure the nightlight doesn't get used all the time - but if the V-Man needs it - there is one available.

Naturally, PIC won't agree I was actually right about something and is probably still in denial about having a kid being magically afraid of the dark (last discussion about this - his response was simply "you've got him needing light now"...*eye roll) - but the main point is that everyone gets their much needed sleep and V-Man feels safe.

BIMU

PS Overnight care confirmed he needed a nightlight well before we got one ourselves - for some reason that information just never got to us....so another point for me! ;)

Update 30.5.2017: Nobody has needed the nightlight in a few days! :D  So perhaps it was just a phase.

The "D-word"

First and foremost - this is going to be a simple, matter of fact kind of post.

For those wondering why I've been quiet here - I've been busy.  I've been crying.  I've been stressed to the max.  I've been happy and have good days too.

First of all - I apologize I've been absolutely crap at updating this blog and making vlogs.  My phone speaker is busted - but today I realized (over a year later) that I could just look like a dork and film with headphones or earphones for the sound to work properly.  Duh.

So, my goal is to get back onto that.

Now, the D-word.
It's not pleasant - it's not a happy thing.

The PIC (Partner in Crime) and I are getting a divorce.  I filed it this past week.
I'm sure you're wondering why - simply, we just fell apart and didn't love each other anymore.  Of course there are a variety of little things - and funny enough, it's always the little things that mean the most and can impact the most as well.

He's still my PIC.  He's my friend - one could even say he's a best friend (which I define by how comfortable I am with farting around someone to be honest!) .
He's a great father and I will even go further and say he's a great guy.
He's the better parent in terms of patience and the ability to think things through.

We are just too opposite.  We want different things.
But the main thing we want is our kids to be happy and ourselves as well.
Our kids are the main priority currently and the transition of things has been noticed by the kids within the last few months.

First of all, this was not an easy decision.  PIC and I had been together for 10 years (2016) before I decided I would be filing.
We had been through a lot - moving from one country to another, having separated temporarily for a couple of months prior to moving to Finland and so on.

It's something that I was going to write about a year ago, after careful consideration and thought for a few months last year.  PIC requested I didn't say anything publicly until it was official.

While it takes 6-months to accept and be fully processed in Finland - I feel it's safe now to post this.

I do not want to glorify divorce.  I don't have an opinion on those divorcing, fighting through to save their marriage or whatever their situation may be.  Their situation is their own thing and for us - we are doing our thing.
We tried therapy several times, we tried to patch things up - but it all boiled down to the same things that set us apart and eventually we couldn't take it anymore.
Or I guess I couldn't - since I am the one filing.

I will not have a celebratory party like some people do - nor, will we do a divorce selfie (apparently this is the latest trend??).
Although, I totally get those that trash their dress when in the situation where they escaped a really negative and hurtful marriage!

We didn't tell many people about the divorce because we didn't want people to feel bad for us.  We wanted to keep a strong, united front for the kids (and dogs) and also, financially - it was just smarter.

We continued to live together contently and our kids never noticed that Mommy and Daddy didn't hug or kiss.  They're young and forgetful and it worked in our favour.
We still hung out and watched movies when the kids went to sleep.  We still took the kids to places together - we just simply didn't wear our wedding bands and nobody said anything.
In all fairness, he rarely wore his anyway due to Crohn's affecting his weight and him not wanting to lose his ring.
When I started cooking school - I wasn't allowed wearing it during kitchen hours - so just left it at home.

But recently, things have changed and I moved out.

So I decided I would take advantage of all these students moving out nearby and rent a tiny student flat for the summer.
I tried to bring the dogs with me - while it had enough space - Milo couldn't handle it.  I truly believe he had a panic attack of grand proportions and because I only will have this flat for now until August - it doesn't make sense to condition and teach him it's a safe space - only to start all over again in 2.5 months.

For me, moving to a tiny TINY flat - forces me to get rid of my crap.  I had so many things in the bedroom that I was embarrassed.
I found gym clothes I didn't even know I had - and hadn't worn in years (or ever).
I dug out four 150L bags of garbage from the bedroom.  I hadn't even gone under the bed yet!
That is sad.

For me, it is like hitting rock bottom with my second-hand shopping obsession and craft supplies etc.

So, I'm cleaning out this summer.  That's my summer holidays with the kids.
I'm splitting a table at the second-hand shop and only posting stuff there I KNOW will sell!

So! How have the kids been handling it?
V-Man probably hasn't noticed much.

You see, I have been going to the gym at night time once the kids are settled in bed around 7-8pm anyway.  So they never see me at night typically and now that I've moved out - I leave about the same time and come back for the dogs then drop them off before heading home again.

A-Man noticed that I had packed DVDs and was asking why I did it.  I told him I was cleaning up.
Of course everything I packed didn't and couldn't come with me.  But I wanted to plan for August, where I planned to move then anyhow.

Here's a conversation we had:

"Mommy why you have a new place?"
"Because Mommy and Daddy fight a lot and we are not happy.  But we love you, M-Girl and V-Man and the doggies very much!"
"Well, I'm going to fight with Daddy!"
"No.  Daddy is super nice and you need to be nice to Daddy and listen.  No fighting."
"Well, if you get a new home - then we don't have a Mommy."

*Cue tears.
I then had to explain that he'll always have us as parents and that we aren't replacing anyone or anything like that.
We did try our best to not fight in front of the kids after our first major fight a year ago and A-Man boldly told us to go in different rooms on time out and then after we had to apologize and hug/kiss each other to say sorry.
Thankfully, we never fought much to begin with!

M-Girl has been a bit up and down with me having my own space - even though I'm a 15-minutes walk from door to door - but of course, being the youngest - she's a little confused.

So as it stands right now - we will continue to co-parent the best way we can and eventually when I can get a larger flat and preferably closer to V-Man's school so there's less stress about the taxi - then we can attempt some bi-weekly arrangement so we both get equal free-time.

And that's pretty much it!
It's been an interesting journey and writing this all out has been incredibly therapeutic for me.

So I thank you for reading and following and tolerating my poky self when it comes to posting here!
XOXO
BIMU