Rambling Update

I am a mother of three lovely children.  V-Man (almost 6), A-Man (almost 4) and M-Girl (under 2).
I am also a mother of three children who are screaming, fighting and trying to push me over the edge.
From my seat, there is finally silence (bed time) and I see a noodle cup lid on the floor, dog food un-eaten by anyone (dog or human), a bra, books, a box and a bag and a belt.  I don't dare try and describe my desk because there's so much junk here - it's crazy.
I am the mother who would rather give my kids cookies first thing in the morning because then the hyperness will burn off by supper time.
I look like a hot mess - so to speak.  I have a blueberry stain on my foot, feet drier than any dessert in the world and while a shower would be amazing before I crash in bed - I'm just too lazy right now.  My hair could use a trim, I don't remember the last time I treated myself to a face mask (which is silly because I keep buying the tubes of stuff in the hopes I remember to use them!) and I'm sort of falling asleep typing this.  Cool - huh?!

When I have V-Man at home, who is precious in his own way and at the same time viciously violent to himself - slapping his face hard - I worry about what happens when he gets older.  What happens if this phase doesn't end.
I wonder if I'll be physically strong enough to hold him back from his best friend and his worst enemy - his own body - out of control.  Slapping, pinching, screaming until he gives himself headaches and his ears ringing.
What will I do if he fights me back?  What will we do if we have to leave this wonderful, beautiful and helpful country that we now call home?
I hear of horror stories.  I read other blogs and see videos that people send me every week.
I'm honestly scared crap-less.

I can hope that things will change and we need things to change because I am at the brink of losing my sanity every time.
Every hard slap, every scream and pinch and these lead to bruising.
Trust me - I'm trying meditating, breathing in and out.  Counting quickly and slowly and slower again - just to calm my mind and my temper.
I've tried giving V-Man other things to do and the little ones something else for them to do, while we ride out these little (but feel extremely massive in the moment) stormy tantrums.
I've tried to give him something to hold- something distracting and lovely and full of texture (but not too much!) and instead of it becoming an educational toy or distraction - it becomes a weapon.

"Shit - what was I thinking?  What were YOU thinking? Why can't you just STOP and CALM DOWN?!"
I don't know if I'm screaming, saying this out loud or just all of it in my head.
The tears threaten to stream down and I bite the inside of my cheeks hard if we're in public.  It gives me something to do and focus on.
If I'm at home, I yell.  I cry and sob because I cannot stop feeling like such a horrible mother.

A parent should be able to protect their kids - put the cleaning products up high and out of reach, turn the pot and pan handles away from little fingers that can just reach, make sure they know to hold hands and not run out in the road.

But I'm failing horribly.  So I feel - based on the bruises on V-Man's face, the ones on his chest and the chipped front tooth from grinding his teeth like they work at a local flour mill.

I feel responsible that I cannot help with the prevention of bruises that I'm sure look much worse to an outsider.  A stranger.  Someone not in my shoes - not even in my socks.
I am trying and do try, and you're right - "You probably shouldn't have had more kids if this first one was going to be such a handful!"
I've thought of that several times and if I had the ability to change things - I probably would.  But then again, maybe I wouldn't.

I don't have a six-pack - not even close.  I have a chubby muffin top/mama pouch - but I'm also one of those naughty stress eaters.  I'm the one walking super fast for a Steakhouse Meal at Burger King plus mozzarella sticks - depending on the day.
I have dry skin like a snake and heels like a grandma.  I can't tell you the last time I wore a full face of make-up because that simply doesn't exist in my schedule - seriously probably about 9 years ago.
But hey it was date night tonight and I managed to wipe my eye lids with eye liner.  That has to count for something! :)

But I'm learning.  I'm trying to take an extra ten seconds after my 5-minutes shower to toss on some moisturizer.  Winter is coming you know.
I'm getting stronger mentally by taking mini time-outs for myself.  If I cannot handle the kids - I put myself in the bedroom and bury my head and cry and get that done and over with.
If I'm overwhelmed and don't feel like watching a show immediately once the kids are asleep - I take a breather and know that tomorrow could be a better day for all of us.
I'm learning to let it go and just come to terms with the fact that my kids love acting out the domino effect to ensure everyone is screaming and/or crying at the same time.  Especially when my husband isn't home.
I do knit and crochet and have been too tired to even do that.
But I'm a champ at pinning things on Pinterest on my phone - for you know, when I'm a grandma and need to make stuff for the grandkids!

I willingly admit that I was becoming 50% Momster and 50% Mom.  Or is it 50% Mom and 50% Ster?
A-Man's been getting tested this past week to see if he's on the Autism Spectrum whatsoever.
Tomorrow's the final day and hopefully we'll have a diagnosis.
"It's because your first kid has autism - A-Man is otherwise normal and just going through a phrase..." is what you're thinking.
No.  It's more than that.  It's not being able to rationalize with him or reason whatsoever.  It's his inability to say a proper sentence in either language.  It's the constant guessing and tip-toeing.
It's his tantrums and his moods that have him shut down entirely and block people out to the point he's mute - but if you speak to A-Man - he'll scream as if he's being buried alive.
We have hope though - thanks to communication boards.  (Will blog separately about that - hopefully soon.)

And where's M-Girl and Loki in all of this?
M-Girl now hits herself when she's mad.  She still screams and she bites those that attempt to "destroy her soul and happiness" "steal her stuff".  But she hits herself.
How can I teach a child to love and care for themselves when the older role model slaps himself on a regular basis across his face?
Other that that - she's lovely.  She's obsessed with skin to skin contact and will rubs my ears while she falls asleep.  Strokes my face or shoves her toes into my face for me to sniff and shout "YUCK!" repeatedly.  Or sometimes, she just wants to be held and I cherish that too.

And Loki, despite being showered with weekly treats - is still lonely and depressed.
We've tried Youtube videos for when we're out and new bones and toys and they're only temporary band-aids.
However!  I recently bought a slimmed down fanny pack and will be starting jogging with him.  Mostly because I'm tired of getting asked if I'm pregnant and also because it turns out this "slimmed down fanny pack" as I call it - turned out to be a jogging belt for wearing while - jogging - with your dog!
Just need to find the right sneakers and we'll be set.  Then perhaps I can sleep the whole night, and finally get some real rest.

My kids don't eat veggies and fruit everyday but they do eat.  My home will never, ever be shown on a magazine cover - but we're happy and they're healthy and that's good enough.
As the saying goes, "Cleaning with children living with you is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos" - absolutely pointless and I've come to appreciate and fully live my life by this motto! :)

Anyway, this is a slightly poetic-off-the-top-of-my-head update on what's going on lately.
I'm now going to crash for the night!
I swear I'll write a new blog post soon - a few of them.  But it's been busy with class, all the stuff I wrote above and trying to apply for a cooking school here (and it's in Finnish!)!
Good night!
BIMU