Monday, 26 December 2016

Reflecting on 2016

I have to warn you that this post is going to be sprinkled with curse words.  SO if that's not your thing - just cross your eyes as you skip along them.

2016 is coming to an end and let me tell you - it fucking sucked.
Sure - I decided that turning 30 - this would be the year of the "Fuck it".
I applied that to most of my year I have to say.

And now I'm going to push forward and end this year off with a bang.

I haven't slept in (anything past 7am) in months.  I've been having crappy quality sleep every.  Single.  Night.

Which says something because I'm spending 40% of my time at home and 40% of my time at another person's home dog-sitting for them (because their dog doesn't get along with Milo) and 50% of my time on a bus between the two (yeah I know - the math doesn't add up) and you would think I would get a ton of good, solid, melt those saggy bags under my eyes away sleep - right?!
Hell no.

My body is still programmed to wake up at whoever gives a crap-o'clock (aka between 2-6am repeatedly) and I am not a coffee drinker.

I had this conversation with our guests last night around the dinner table for Christmas last night - I don't know what's worse:

  • Being so tired I can barely function. 
  • Riding an excellent caffeine (Pepsi preferably) and sugar high and then crashing horribly.
Either option demands I take a nap (none of this "power naps" crap either!) that isn't interrupted and ends with me in tears typically.

These past 3 days - have been a fucking mess.

It doesn't matter how often we drag the kids out hiking with us and the dogs - and it's been an absolute sheet of ice outside (until this morning - yay snow!) - they've protested every nap oppourtunity and sleeping in?!


A-Man has been waking up around 4:30-5:00 am - every single freaking day.  Of course playing by oneself isn't satisfying enough - he insists on waking his sister up and she insists on waking V-Man up - who doesn't nap at all.

So let's recap shall we?

School: I did a work practice and while stumbling through it all - it was fun and I'm going to a new work practice across the street from my son's day-care.  So I can't complain about that!

When I did return to school, I was placed with a different group that just started in August.  I took this on as a challenge and an oppourtunity to practice more Finnish.  I get along with most of the group but there are a few - they're incredibly special and push my nerves at every oppourtunity.
Of course, being a mom of 2 special needs child (one moreso than the other) - you would think I would have endless patience for practical strangers that have "something".  
The answer is nope.  And trust me, I've questioned every thing I've said or done that may not be considered 100% super nice.  I'm not saying I beat them with a shovel or tried to knock them over with a pot of soup.  
There were times where my patience was tested with endless Facebook friendship requests and an overabundance of personal questions - or silent observations of reading my text messages over my I just shut down around them to save my sanity.
Maybe it's selfish of me to say that I go to school to get away from my life at home which involves special needs and so I can try to enjoy my time away from home - but it's true.

Things like that.

However, I'll be off to my work practice and can't wait to get lost in a mess of a U-shaped kitchen, not knowing anyone and going under the assumption that nobody speaks or understands English.

I was supposed to practice more Finnish this holiday break but with the unexpected hate relationship between Milo and the guest dog - that kind of went out the window...

Milo turned 6 on Christmas Day and celebrated by pulling his back leg.

I kept it simple for gifts this year.  Sugar scrubs for all of the teachers.  I skipped the chance to work and sell handicrafts at a Christmas market because I was just simply exhausted.
For friends - pictures of the kids and Christmas bark (melted triple chocolate and sprinkled with toppings and chilled).
I was even psycho enough to think I would get Christmas cards made and ready and on time.  Silly me - I started on the 15th of December. HA.
Needless to say, they're not done or filled or mailed out.

I kept it SO simple - I didn't even put up the window sticker Christmas tree!  Mostly because I couldn't find it.

My dishwasher was perhaps worked too hard and despite regularly deep cleaning it - it crashed on me.  There was a water overflow onto the kitchen floor.  Then a friend popped in with her husband and it worked!
And then it died again and the pump wouldn't push water in after a round.

I'm trying to think positively in the sense that while I'm back to hand-washing dishes - I now have a very suitable two level drying rack beside me...

Dinner went great and the kids were all hyped up on being around each other - that M-Girl opted to refuse a diaper for a solid 25-fucking screechworthy minutes.  It was bed time and she's not 100% diapers are still necessary for our mattresses and her.
Literally hanging off the bathroom door handle (it was locked) and screaming like a banshee.
I'm honestly surprised she didn't barf.

Today is Boxing Day and I had the pleasure of falling asleep last night while watching Suicide Squad by 11:30pm with the PIC (Partner in Crime - "Hubster" is a real pain in the ass to type repeatedly with auto-correct fixing things up and calling him a "Hipster" ;) ) sitting beside me and I can't tell you what happened in the movie because I passed out after twenty minutes.

I was awoken to "MOMMY - V-MAN SPILLED JUICE!"
That gets me to haul ass pretty fast because we have old wooden floors that soak up anything and everything.
Luckily it was in the kitchen.

Along with about 6 chocolate bars that I needed to finish making gifts for people we were going to see before the New Year.
Oh and M&Ms...and about 3 cups of apple juice all over the fucking floor that PIC just washed yesterday.

Do you see red? I did..
It got to the point this morning - I was losing my voice from screaming so bloody much.
I've been crying for the past 3 days because of my kids.

Following that Willy Wonka display on my floor - I tried to take Loki and the guest dog back to his home - so then there's some calmness in the household.
Well, I offered to take the little two with me and we missed the bus.
WHY?  Because they refused to listen.  They didn't get dressed and decided to jump around and play and dick around plenty.
On our way to the bus stop - there was a slim chance we could still catch it - but no.

A-Man and M-Girl had to stop every two feet to grab fresh snow to eat, knock snow off of bushes and so on.

I know - they're just kids.  I'm the adult.
I can't and shouldn't have the same expectations of them as I would a friend my age.

But when I'm running on little sleep, regularly being told "NO"/screamed at and so on - I begin to test what sanity I have left and therefor question myself as a motherhood.

That certainly was the case today.

I had a hundred thoughts fly through my mind at warp speed and I can confidently write here that I absolutely hated my kids for the better part of today.

Not "hate" to the point you'll read about me murdering them on the front page of the Finnish newspapers!

But they were being awful little shits and I just could not deal with it all.
Between the dishwasher breaking down, the regular screaming and 2/3 male dogs testing each other and trying to rip each other's throats off occasionally - I'm pretty fucking worn out.

Then finding out a family member had a mini stroke last summer - while guests were over and while eating dinner...and nobody felt like telling us - I mean, to each their own...but still.

I'm hoping your holidays were WAY better than mine!
I know it can always - ALWAYS be worse...3 Christmases ago - we had a massive hole in our bathroom I'm trying to be feeling "blessed" and happy and thankful.

I'm just - having a shitty day and had to get it all out here.  And I clearly need to boost my alcohol consumption and tolerance levels...

Thanks for reading and happy holidays to you and yours. 

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