A Side of Autism: Dentist Appointment

Here in Finland - it's typical that you take your child to the dentist when they are 1,3,5 etc. years old.
I brought the V-Man with me when he was 1, as I had an orthodontist appointment anyway and the dentist said it'd be fine.

V-Man bit him so hard - he didn't bleed.  But he remembered it.
For whatever reason - we haven't had a 3-year old appointment.

Now that he's 5 - I took him in and as I'm done with my braces and orthodontist - I scheduled an appointment with a public dentist downtown.  I had made the appointment with the last dentist I met with when I took A-Man for his 3-years appointment and advised her that we need a dentist that speaks English (I don't trust my Finnish for health-related things currently) and that I have 2 more children due for appointments. 
Oh and V-Man is a non-verbal autistic child with a strong fear/dislike of needles, hospital-like settings and such (horrible memories of blood tests - another story some day perhaps).
Let's just put it this way:  I dread the days that I have to take him to ANY kind of appointment.  Someone always gets punched, kicked, elbowed, bitten, head smashed in the teeth or nose...my glasses go flying...we need two or three people to hold him down...you get the idea.

So dentist #1 set me up with our current dentist #2 - Merja.
I walked in there with V-Man and she didn't attack him with tools right off the bat but let him try to sit in the seat by himself and said it'd be fine if he was in my arms.  She read his paper I filled out and didn't freak or stare at V-Man when he started snapping and curling his fingers repeatedly.
She was very professional and calm throughout the whole thing.
So I held the V-Man and she went in there as fast as possible and that was it!
It took 4 minutes.  She confirmed he doesn't have any cavities and I figured we'd leave but she had the extra time available and chatted with me.
Simple conversation about why we're in Finland and who V-Man had seen before because he wasn't in the system.
So I told her that V-Man bit my first dentist/orthodontist and she laughed quite a bit because she knew him and said he is a really great dentist as well (I agree!) and that perhaps, "Because I'm an old lady he likes me more!"
(She's 62 and plans to retire in 2 years.  Good grief I'm stressed I won't find anyone else like her then!)

Then V-Man did something out of this world.

He walked over to her, looked her in the eyes and "asked" to be picked up by lifting his arms up to her.  She smiled and obliged and lifted him and he repeatedly hugged her a few times.
Merja then asked if this was "normal" for V-Man and by the look of my stunned face - she gathered it was not.  Especially a stranger and especially one wearing scrubs.
Pfft - I was blown away.
He played with her name tag for awhile and as we kept chatting about our future plans for life in Finland etc. - he then opted for diving his hand down the v-neck of her pale purple scrubs.
She was very calm and removed his hand and I'm blushing and apologizing and she said it was fine.

Clearly the V-Man noticed my reaction and decided, "This is a fantastic game! Let's see if we can get Mom to be 50 Shades of Red!"  and repeatedly tried to fondle/grope/feel-up the dentist.

Well, she took it with a grain of salt... I'd be saying "Oh yeah I still got it!" but that's just me and slightly wrong anyway.
And off we went!

I never thought I'd write a blog post about a positive dentist experience with the V-Man...but here it is.
AND she looked like Jamie Lee Curtis.  Seriously.
BIMU

A Side of Autism: Seat Belts

I have a digibox - the thing in Finland that ensures you get cable and you can update the channel packages you want accordingly.
I just don't have it set up.
I truly think that my life is something like a reality tv show and if TLC is interested - they're more than welcome to visit and film my family in Finland.

A couple days ago this is what happened:

I woke up and didn't have breakfast.  I ran out with the dogs for about 20 minutes and brought them back in, packed up my stuff into a backpack and dragged the V-Man downstairs for his taxi.
He sat down and I buckled him in and then he immediately freaked out.  He absolutely refused to wear a seat belt or stay seated in the taxi.
You've got to be kidding me! I thought to myself - seeing as the A-Man's been ill for nearly a week and it was supposed to be my first day back to school.
Well, I ended up running back upstairs, getting my stuff and rushing to take M-Girl to day-care AND V-Man by bus after that.
He was fantastic waiting for the bus and waiting for me to un-dress his sister and toss her into her day-care group.
He wasn't so thrilled when we got downtown and had to wait 3 minutes for the next bus to take him to day-care.  Nope - he wasn't having it.
Then when we took the bus to his day-care - I slipped and pulled something in my knee and he continued to launch himself into a snow bank.
And not just any snow bank.  But of course - a yellow one.  Yeah - not impressed.  By this point - I'm in tears.
He recognizes I'm stressed out a bit and sobbing and decides he should not move and assumes his famous boulder position.  GREAT.
We eventually make it to the street to cross and half-way across the road he decides now is the perfect time to just not move again.
Bear in mind, I am carrying a heavy backpack with my stuff, his back pack on my back AND his car seat so he can come home via taxi that afternoon.  And my other hand is holding his while attempting to drag him.
The day-care gladly takes him in and calms me down and I'm rushing off to go to school...

Is that a post truck swerving in my direction?
Of course it is.  I jump like a mad woman into a non-yellow snow bank and wait until it passes then promptly dial the husband and begin to BAWL my head off like a kid who didn't get a lollipop from the doctor.

I make it to school and all goes fine.  My phone's nearly dead but that's alright.
I get home, toss my phone on the charger, have a bite to eat and at 3pm promptly go downstairs to wait for the V-Man via taxi.
Thankfully SH is home because my phone was charging and guess what?
The V-Man refused to sit in the taxi buckled up on the home again.

This is the first time that he's refused to sit in a taxi on the way home from day-care.  But this is the 4th time within 2 years (3 being this school year alone!) that he's refused to stay in a taxi.
By "stay in a taxi" - I mean the drivers put the child safety lock on the doors for a reason.  Because he removes the seat belt and slips out of it and proceeds to scream, cry, jump or run in the back seat of the taxi.

I'm not allowed to go with him to or from day-care - so now this is a big problem.
The day-care reached out to the social worker and they'll be switching taxi companies and putting the V-Man in a special kind of taxi that has harnesses in place of regular seat belts.

Because again yesterday morning, I watched him and he ignored the driver, climbed in quite happily but as soon as I put the seat belt on - even putting the chest cross strap behind him - he freaked.
So we're thinking that he was in a taxi (seeing as we don't have a car) and either the driver pinched him by accident while putting the seat belt on (yep even in a snow suit it may be possible) or had to suddenly hit the brakes and the belt would've tightened and that may have terrified him.

So it's safe to say - my 5-year old is terrified of seat belts and cars.
But buses are just fine.

A-Man is done his virus and now V-Man has it.
Yay.
BIMU

PS You can read here why my son gets a taxi to and from day-care in Finland.

I'm Drowning In Autism...Toss Me a Life Saver, Eh?

Dear Autism:

I don't blame vaccines for you being in my life.
I don't even blame French fries and the chicken nuggets we let our kids eat once a week or so.
I don't even blame those little pesticides in fruits and veggies I buy and I don't hate myself for not buying organic every single time.
I'm adopted - so I can't really blame my genetics and my husband was raised in such a small town that the doctors wouldn't know what autism was if it knocked on their doors.  Of course times have changed over the decades...

But after an intensive conversation with a psychologist (which we had to wait over two and a half months for - she's that popular/busy/covered by Kela), two day-care teachers and a day-care teacher that specializes in special needs kids - I'm fucking done.

I'm so fucking mad - you have no idea.  Well, of course you do because you're the bastard that took away my precious first boy's voice.  His chance at explaining himself.  His ability to make friends.  His chance at not being stared at every time we go outside for a walk or to run a simple errand like picking up milk.  His chance at being the real big brother - which is now being overtaken by the middle child.

Today, I had this intensive meeting that was planned months in advance - but this time it was for A-Man.
Yes - the same A-Man that loves to stare at cars and buses and announce their arrival loudly and slightly mispronouncing "trucks".  The same A-Man that loves to shop for underwear and cook meals with me and give hugs and kisses.  The A-Man that lately has been having melt-downs over the most petty of things like leaving a bus stop without seeing the bus drive away and waving it good-bye.  And therefor will not budge and if a ritual of his is broken - his world explodes.
The A-Man who doesn't make a conversation with me - in any language.  The A-Man who wakes up everybody with his weekly (if not more regular) night terrors.
The A-Man who refuses to eat anything but junk and bread with butter or cream cheese at home - but at day-care eats anything and a lot of the things the other kids don't like.  Often four portions worth.
The A-Man who doesn't actually play with other kids with toys and occasionally joins in a game of chase.  I found out today he's pretty protective of the toy stove at day-care.  Just like at home - pushing away the V-Man because it's his territory.
The A-Man with balance, strength and motor skills that blow the teachers away - and haven't been seen in a child his age but like in the V-Man.
The A-Man that can potty and wait in lines for things - with the promise of having a cookie at the end of a trip.

The A-Man that now needs an appointment at the neurological clinic because he's showing signs of not ADHD or OCD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) as I first suspected - but more so of autism. 
This was my second appointment with the psychologist in less than 6 months.  But because of what everything everyone was saying (and yes, there was a translator) - it does seem that a transfer of day-care centers might help (smaller group - kids more his age) and specialized instructors can hopefully help too.
But we'll see once we get the neurology appointment and I'll keep you updated.

I'm mad.  I'm crying.  I don't know what to expect.
On one hand, I'm thrilled that A-Man is fully potty-trained and can speak a bit.  I'm also thrilled that we live in Finland and I know he'll get amazing care and assessments like the V-Man did.
The other hand is ready to devour a bag of chips, a few chocolate bars...  And slap you in your ugly damn face.

Instead - I'll go make some dinner.  And do my Finnish homework.
Sincerely yours,
One Stumped Mama (BIMU)

PS Thanks for reading and when I'm in a better mood - I'll write a more detailed post.

Cooking With A Toddler

I recently wrote (and regularly do) about what life's like with an autistic child.
So when the A-Man was born and it was clearly obvious he was nothing like his older brother - we didn't know what to do.
This was exciting!  This was scary!  This was a "regular" (neuro-typical) kid that we could do funner stuff with!
I do not purposely leave the V-Man out of the kitchen - he's more than welcome to join me if I'm cooking and sniff as many spice jars as he wants.  And he has once - stirred food in the pot on the stove.  It's a huge step for him and when he's ready - he'll be warmly welcomed just as much as A-Man.

However, as it stands currently, A-Man loves to cook.  He's 3-years old and just cooked his first meal for us with very little assistance.  He's been helping out in the kitchen before (around 2-years old he showed interest) with little things like mixing, adding ingredients for baking, lining muffin trays with paper liners and so on.  So this was a BIG step up!
What did he cook?

Fajitas with home-made guacamole.

I may as well say it now.  I'm nothing like my mother (who wouldn't let me cook anything more than instant noodles with an electric kettle that automatically shuts off after the water boiled or toast) and am not a super paranoid parent.
Of course, I am cautious with everything we do with the kids (especially the V-Man) but for the most part - I don't scream or cry when my kids hurt themselves or get ill.  Of course if it's a serious accident - I'm very concerned (read: internally freaking out) but I remain as calm as possible because freaking out isn't going to help my kids feel safe or feel like they're going to get better anytime soon (read: "OMG Mommy thinks I'm dying! *scream more* ").

Now, I'll also mention (as kindly as possible) that my husband doesn't cook.  He has 1 dish he makes - "hamburger, macaroni and tomato soup" (not actually a soup) - which some people know as goulash?  That's it.  I don't ask him to cook very often either.  He's my assistant with little things while I change a diaper or use the bathroom or finish a blog post...*cough cough cough...
As with most men in the world - he can work a BBQ, cook bacon, instant noodles... and that's about it.

But lately, he hasn't lifted a finger in the kitchen - other than to empty the dishwasher - and that's fine with me.

A-Man has been stepping up to the plate!  If I'm quickly typing out a blog post as fast as I possibly can - he'll sneak into the kitchen, pull up a chair and start mixing whatever's on the stove.
This doesn't work well with pancakes - just so you know!  And yes, he's tried it!

I was supposed to be cooking up beef stew but my stomach has been acting funky all afternoon, so I opted for fajitas.  Ground beef with spices - too lazy to add veggies of any kind and home-made guacamole.  And yes, salsa from a jar - because:

• A) I'm lazy like that.  
• B) Not feeling well.  
• C) Never tried to make salsa before but maybe some day!

The boys were being a bit grumpy towards each other - so I took this as an oppourtunity to pull A-Man out of the mix and asked if he wanted to cook.

Now, the problem with the word "cook" is that it sounds an awful lot like "cookie".

Once I confirmed that we're not having cookIES - he was still excited and that made me happy.
I really enjoy cooking with him and think of it as a "Mommy & Me" date at home that doesn't necessarily involve me eating a greasy fast-food burger or fry.

I decided today, for no special reason at all, I would let him cook ALL the food.  This meant that the more he spent in the kitchen - the longer he'd be away from V-Man!
Sure he can mix the food no problem and without making a mess.  But today I upped it a notch and got him to cut open the avocados, scoop them out and make guacamole.

I let him use a steak knife and tried to get him to focus on why he shouldn't hold the knife by the blade.
When we cut the avocado together, he stopped and gasped.  He learned that the knife was sharp this way and nobody was hurt! :)

And the food turned out delicious.  I even let him go a bit crazy with the spice jars. :)

Cooking with children:

• Needn't be stressful or fancy!
• Can be extremely educational and a great way to encourage healthy eating habits.
• Great way to bond or just hang out together.
• Things you can teach a child while you cook:
• Food safety and hygiene
• Oven and stove safety
• Washing hands
• How to handle various utensils and equipment 
• (I realize A-Man is wearing underwear in one picture and an apron in the rest.  He's pretty stubborn about wearing clothes at home...it's a work in progress.)
• Colours
• Shapes
• Numbers, measurements
• New words: "scoop", "mix" etc.
• Names of food or ingredients
• Cause and effect (for older kids)

I look forward to sharing more of our cooking adventures! :)
(No offense, but I look more forward to the day V-Man wants to really join too!)
BIMU

My Body - My Way

I'm not fit.  I don't exercise.  I don't put any effort.
"How typical - another whiny post about how she'll change her eating and exercise habits because it's a new year..."

Nope.  Slightly different.

I openly admit that I hate how my body looks about 90% of the time and am finding myself sucking in and leaning back to push that metal button into that hole to do up my snow pants...and several pairs of jeans too.
However, my winter coat is long enough that nobody will SEE my snow pants aren't done up as we walk with our dogs and play with our kids at the park!

I'll never have an 8-pack...or a 6-pack...I have this massive scar the length of my torso almost - so yeah...that's another story for another time...but my "abs" may end up looking like zig-zagged dinner rolls anyway.
I have a bad back - so the idea of sit-ups, crunches or push-ups is probably not a good idea - seeing as 20-minutes of wrestling with kids and swinging them around - puts me out for the night.  And I don't mean my 5-year old.  I mean an almost 2-year old E-girl (A-Man's main squeeze) who is fairly petite and A-Man himself (3-years old).
Call me weird but I do love planking - thanks to the Wii Fit! (Which I need to connect somehow...that jerk motivates me somehow...I'm sure he'll be thrilled to see me after 3 years.)

But here's what I'm going to do (as I sip a kid's sized cup of Pepsi):

• Eat healthier
• I actually hate the word "diet".  Unless referring to a special diet because of allergies or foodie lifestyle (i.e. vegetarian).  So I'm not thinking of this "eat healthier" section as a "diet" but as "Eat lots of variety and healthier choices.  Downsize those damn portions!"
• Sweets once a week when with the knitting group I frequent.  And special occasions like birthday parties etc.
• Opt for a salad or a wrap if actually hungry and having to eat at a fast-food location (i.e with the V-Man during our "Mommy and me" lunch dates).  I did that today actually and skipped the fries.
• Be mindful that what I ate during the day and try to pack in healthier stuff later.  To both help smooth over my guilt and to make me more energetic. (I made a chicken and veggies stir-fry this evening and ate mostly veggies...)
• Cut back on portion size.  I'm not "anti-white rice, anti- pasta and anti-this and that" - but I just need to stop feeling so full I could burst.  I need to get back to the "Oh I feel full - let's top it off with water to seal in the cracks in my belly and snack on fruit later if hungry again."
• Stop buying pop & junk food - because if the temptation is in the house - it's in my tummy!
• Go back to using my fruit-infuser water bottle.  The thing is bloody brilliant and I have a freezer with a tonne of frozen strawberries screaming to be used!  And it's easy to pick up a lemon or lime...and some fresh mint too. (I'm done with that cup of Pepsi now - thanks for asking!)
• Use my new-to-me salad spinner and whip out kale chips like it's nobody's business!
• Relax more.
• I'm not buying anymore yarn this year - so far I'm onto day 2 and didn't even THINK of using my gift card in my wallet! Ha.  So that means I have a lot of yarn to use up - and knitting/crocheting is going to help me relax.
• I'm going to be starting Finnish lessons intensively- and that's a 10-minutes bus ride...20-minutes a day total.  That's extra time to just clear my head, be child-free and just chill mentally.  (And knit on the bus.)
• Isolate myself from the internet a couple hours of the day to just knit, menu plan, take care of my body (had a sauna session and feel fantastic!) and read.
• Exercise when I can - and NOT stress about it. 
• I walk the dogs.  I hike in the woods -not for hours on end...but better than sitting on my arse blogging right? (Yes I realize the irony in this.)
• I need to:  walk more, try planking more, try doing some yoga or set up the exercising games for the Xbox thingy or the Wii (can't find 1 stupid cord to get it set up!).
• I see NO point in getting a gym membership because I don't know what my school schedule will be like and I don't want to waste money.  I've done the gym membership before and I didn't use it a lot.  And that was life BEFORE kids.
• Keep bringing my backpack and reusable grocery bags to the store and fill it as much as I can handle and that'll be my weight lifting.  (Or push the baby in the stroller filled with stuff.)
• Or push stroller with 15kg of dog food and groceries and carry nearly 1-year old M-Girl. :)
• Ditch the stress.
• I get a lot of weird inquiries on Facebook that I spend far too much time trying to sort out.  Again - I'm probably being too nice.  Again - I need to not waste so much time on it.  (I'll blog about it later...)
• Money is a big stresser for me - so I'm trying to cut back on spending on un-necessary things.
• Clean as I go.
• Organize better (I am constantly losing my wallet!).
• Take better care of me.
• If you cut a chunk of wood off a tree and handed it to me - my heels could probably smooth it to a polished shine.  THAT'S how cracked and disgusting my feet are.  Yep - I'm admitting it.  It's nasty and I need to work on them.
• Let's not even discuss the state of my nails, cuticles etc. 
• I don't actually care about the state of my hands - but with the winter here - the dry air is cracking my hands up.  And not in a funny manner! ;)
• Mentally.  I'm a bottle-it-all-up then have a massive melt-down type of person.  This typically happens around my period and sometimes I bottle things up for months.  Whenever the SH is out of town on conference or at meetings - I'm usually on the brink of a melt-down...my kids don't know who I am and it's overall quite messy.  I cry like I'm at a massive funeral (and probably shed a pound or two in doing so) and have a swollen face the next day.  I need to stop letting myself get to THAT point.
• I so rarely wear make-up.  I'm terrible at it.  I don't do the cat-eye, the smoke-eye, the smudged eyes...the sunset eyelids...nothing bold or over the top.  I honestly feel like I'm wearing a lot when I use a bit of dark brown eyeliner and remember to moisturize my face before heading out the door.  Which is 1% of the time and typically for "special occasions".
  (I'm terrified of wearing red lipstick...something to add to the bucket list I suppose.)

Whenever I (rarely) whine to my spouse about feeling fat and flabby, he chooses wisely to not say anything.
He has a medical condition (Crohn's) that has him looking fit and athletic.

"If I say you look fine - you say I'm lying to you.  If I say 'Yeah - you're fat ' - I'm an asshole.  It's just easier to say nothing at all." - SH
Yes opposites attract!

So where the heck this post come from?
I was just heating up in the sauna (can't really say I was chillin'...), looked down at my flubby belly and realized I want it gone.  It's obviously not going to go away immediately by lotion or magic chants...so if I want to look better by the time I'm 30 - I better start now.  And seeing as I do all the cooking - I'm the one that has to make sure what I put in my body is something the kids should be eating too - and because food is addicting to me as my yarn, fabric & second-hand shopping is- the only one responsible is me.

So who am I doing it for if the SH doesn't seem to care?
Me.  My kids.  (Because nobody likes being seen panting and drenched in sweat while chasing their kids in the playground as they run in 3 separate directions...I'm sort of predicting next summer...)
But mostly me.  I'd like to be fitter, fit in my clothes better without shopping for new-to-me stuff in increasingly larger sizes and in general - just feel happier about my appearance overall.
Time to take a bit of selfishness up to the next level!  And not feel bad about it.

So - that's that.
BIMU

Let's Be Honest: Life With An Autistic Child

This is going to be a tough one and if most of it comes off as negative - it's because I'm being honest.
Of course there are pros and cons to everything in life and this is just a closer glimpse into our lives with an autistic child.

For those new to my blog - welcome! :)
I'm an almost hitting my 30's mom of 3 children and one (V-Man) has nonverbal autism and mental retardation.  He's 5, very strong, extremely determined, kind of funny and is fearless.  Unless needles are involved.

* I'll use the term "they" - mostly basing my list on personal experiences with V-Man but every child can be different.
So here we go!

Things like this just don't bother us anymore.

• As a neworn - V-Man seemed like a neuro-typical child (aka "average", "normal").
• In retrospect, little things like visiting, travelling, being held by someone else, trying a bottle of pumped milk or a soother were absolutely horrific for him.  Teething was a nightmare.
• It's shocking when they are diagnosed but at the same time a huge relief.  The younger the better!
• It's not the end of the world - it's autism.  It can always be much worse.
• But yes it still totally sucks and YES, OF COURSE if there was some magic cure - I'd go for it.  To be able to hear him speak his mind, hear how his voice would sound, have a conversation with him - have him tell me he loves me (or heck - even if he hated my guts to Hell and back for whatever reason) - just to hear his voice and not have to guess what he wants, change his diapers or explain his "weird actions" (i.e. hands flapping, random shouts and running away or feeling up strangers)...it'd be a route I'd take.
• This may hit some nerves - but no amount of praying and hoping will make the autism go away.  If possible - get your child into therapy, get help for around the home or with your other children, get prescription meds to keep your sanity going smoothly...
  Because if it were truly that easy - praying and hoping for a change - nobody would be autistic (or at least for not very long!).
• I don't mean to knock ANY religion.  Just stating that there are other productive measures to help your child (i.e. therapy, counselling etc.) and yourself.
• He goes to speech and occupational therapy - with limited sessions a year.  This is thankfully covered by Kela (Finnish social services) and I know we're super lucky.
• I worry that trying to teach him things - like cooking - may either be a useless effort or he'll genuinely not be overly interested.  
• I do teach A-Man to cook a bit - and he's younger and it's something that separates the two of them from fighting each other constantly...so perhaps I'm "living my 1st child's childhood through my 2nd"?
• There are pros to him not being able to speak, as much as there are cons.
• He doesn't ask for toys, video games, clothing brands or anything really (exception being food).
• But because he doesn't speak - when he does want something - there's no budging him.
• He was a picky eater up until 2 years ago, when he started at a new day-care that caters to special needs children and learned how to at least try new food.  Prior to this, his diet was mostly:
• Bananas - only Chiquita brand.  Yep - by taste and then by feel - he could tell the difference in brands.
• Junk food.
• Yoghurt.
• Grilli 21 burgers in Finland.
• Crackers.
• He's still not potty-trained but we're working on it.
• We don't decorate a lot during any holiday or even birthdays because if it can get torn down by me - it'll get torn down by him first.
• This is the first year I put up a 12-inches tall Christmas tree and by 10am, we had put it on a shelf that's impossible for him to reach currently.  And there weren't any lights - just in case he chomped on them.
• It's worth mentioning again - he's obsessed with the same DVDs to the point that we've bought them a second or even third time because he's watched them so much they wore out!
• Madagascar and #2 (#3 isn't such a huge favourite)
• Shrek 1-4
• Cars
• Sesame Street
• Teletubbies (Perhaps because their facial expressions don't change much.  I heard this is common and  Thomas the Engine is also a popular one for the same reason.)
• Fröbelin Palikat - a Finnish children's band from the 80's/90's and are still performing, touring and making new music!
• We repeat ourselves a lot (i.e. "No don't do that!") and this repetition only creates a comfort for him.
• For a couple years - getting him dressed and getting him to keep clothing on was extremely difficult.  Now it's gotten easier.
• He doesn't like waiting in lines.  So I try not to bring him to stores when it's busy and we can't stand anywhere for a long period of time either.
• I can only dream that some day he and I can go to a "fancier" restaurant than McDonald's, Hesburger or a not-so-healthy all you can eat pizza buffet.
• I try to take him for weekly "Mommy and me" dates - where we go for lunch and I can usually get to 3 shops without him freaking out too much.
• We'll probably never be able to take him to a movie theater - no matter how awesome the child's movie is.
• It's hard to find a baby-sitter that can handle the V-Man.  He's exhausting to watch!  I mean - just sit there and watch him go, go go - makes my eyeballs hurt.
• Take advantage of any babysitting offer you can!! Your date needn't be super expensive or extravagant - a walk in the park, yoga in the basement, a trip to the grocery store...go for it!
• There's no point in cleaning when he's around.  Everything gets un-done immediately or some other trouble is concocted! 
• V-Man loves taking down laundry...the wetter and freshly washed - the better.
• GET HELP IF YOU NEED IT.  Don't be ashamed or embarrassed.  You're not the first and you're certainly not the last parent to have an autistic child.
• He has a ridiculously amazing sense of balance (see photo above).
• Every autistic child (and neuro-typical child) has a special talent.  Some are math whizzes, some are artists and can draw things from memory, some can recite lines from seasons of shows and remember laws.  
• My child seems to be the next Spiderman, super strength and part-time escape artist.
• If we're invited to a party and it's outdoors or has access to outdoors - V-Man usually stays home unless it's completely fenced in.  He's very talented at escaping.
• It's nearly impossible to NOT make exceptions for the autistic child in your family.
• Of course they should follow the house rules but if they don't understand them - you tend to bend them a bit (within reason) and naturally.  At least we do.
• Date nights are few and far between.  You get creative and do more stuff at home - or you're super lucky and have family and friends nearby that can handle your autistic child.  Not our situation...so we do try to make it out when he's at overnight care.
• The SH and I have taken turns going to a movie - because we both badly wanted to see it...
• You tend to not get invited to as many things because the host(ess) remembers the last time they invited you - there was a scream fest when the autistic child woke up in an un-familiar environment.  
• Don't be surprised or offended.  You'll get used to finding out about so-and-so's birthday party after the fact and being asked why you didn't go (of course not from the host(ess)).
• If they're not used to having an autistic child/person around - they're quite clueless as to how to make your family comfortable and would rather just not ruin the party for everyone else.  Also they don't want you to feel un-comfortable either!
• It is really and truly difficult to think of positive things about your autistic child when you're exhausted beyond measure and are trying to not kill your child.  I'm going to try saying to myself, "What can I do to make this BETTER calmly..." instead of "What am I going to do (with him)?!"
• Yes, this is also why I try to write these semi-motivational posts for all you other Autism-Parent warriors!  And yes, I do re-read these to give myself some HOO-RA to keep going...
• Things I, as a parent of an autistic child, constantly stress about:
• Moving - it takes him about 2 weeks to get settled into a new home.
• Moving out of country just depresses me.  But if SH gets a permanent job offer - we have to go...although Finland is all that V-Man knows.  And the care for him is top notch.
• Travelling - we rarely do it because he needs to be in his familiar surroundings.
• Bullying - yes it happens and it happens now (although lightly).  People staring and pointing and whispering at us when he eats with his hands and wipes the food face-down on the table first before putting it in his mouth or when he has a public meltdown.
• Puberty - I follow Autism Daddy's blog who has a son that's much older than mine.  Puberty is just a whole other level of stress on its own.
• Will he be aggressive?
• Will he be horny?!
• What do we do?!  (Yes he's only 5 - but still - it'll be here before we know it.)
• Love - I worry he'll never find someone to love and care for him and he'll be very lonely.
• I don't care if it's a man or a woman - I just want him to be happy.
• And on the off-chance he does have children - how will he help to care for the baby??  (This is just a random thought - not something I stress a lot about.)
• Death - How the Hell do you explain why the dog is gone and not coming back or your parents and you're stuck in a big and terrifying world all alone?
• Or someone hurting/killing him because they don't realize he's not able to defend himself verbally...it happens ALL the time in the USA.  Sorry dear Americans - we won't be moving there anytime ever.
• I truly hope if he doesn't find someone - that his siblings will watch over him and help him in every way.
• Development - Will he be able to:
• live semi-independently?
• Cook
• Clean up after himself
• Shop for his basic necessities and groceries 
• Able to ask for help or assistance?
• Wash himself?
• SHAVE?!
• Get a hair cut at a barber shop (I do it at home currently - buzz cut is the easiest!)
• Use money or a bank card? 
• Know right from wrong on his own?
• Write his own name
• Walk a dog or be able to take care of a fish?
• Discover his true talents?
• His happiness 
• Did we do everything possible to make him happy?  (I don't mean spoiling him rotten.)  I mean did we take him to exciting and new places?
• Does he have some sort of wish that we can grant?
• Is there something we've done that he extremely disliked?  (I.e. moved?  Didn't bring him somewhere?)
• Did we teach him enough life skills?
• He doesn't do/enjoy the following things:
• Speak
• Read or show an interest in books other than to destroy them or rotate them around.  Occasionally bites them.
• Write
• Use his imagination
• Acknowledge babies - even his own siblings.  He mostly ignores our dogs too.  But I think they bring him comfort by being present everyday he comes home.
• Travelling is very rare and we have to be extra prepared with WI-FI or a good internet connection for his Youtube favourites or bring DVDs.  The key is that these are things that don't change regardless of what country we travel to.
• Play with toys like the way they're meant to be.  Example:  everything gets sniffed and takes a trip between his lips and teeth.
• Play with others - except organized games with a therapist and it's only one adult and him.  And it's random when he wants to change the "game".
• Socialize
• Wash himself or his hair
• Wash his hands on his own
• Recognize danger and will run out into the roads.  That's why he wears a harness.
• Butter his own bread
• Fill a cup with water or juice
• Use a fork, spoon or knife really well.  (We haven't tried the knife yet but are fully prepared with plastic Ikea butter knives from the kids' section.)
• Sleep (I'll write a separate post about melatonin later.)
• Take a nap
• Do well in a hospital or health clinic setting.
• Sit still.
• Have his own friends to call his own.  Most are a mix of my other two children's friends that greet him.  Of course there are children we've known and introduced to him when they were younger - and keep in semi-regular contact with.  But they don't know how to play with him and that's not their fault.  Nor is it easy to explain!

Inspecting the fried rice being made awhile ago. 

•  Things he seems to be good at (or enjoys):
• Pooping at home - like non-stop.
• Not pooping in public in his diapers...
• Eating - again - non-stop.  You have seen the evidence!  Hiding food is nearly impossible now.
• Asking for food by climbing or bringing one of us to the kitchen and guiding our arms into the direction of what he wants.
• Jumping
• Not feeling pain...he's only ever cried 2-minutes tops at anything...even when he knocked over a massive old-fashioned television and twisted his knee cap...nope.  2-minutes.
• Taking the bus - as long as the wait for the bus isn't long.
• Holding hands - this is fairly new.
• Trying new food! - also very new.
• Climbing.
• Defending himself - sounds silly but A-Man has become a bully almost overnight and V-Man IS the oldest and has been fighting back.
• Using PECS (picture exchange communication system) - this is more at day-care because he doesn't have access to everything all the time (i.e. food).
• Using objects to communicate what he wants (i.e. a plate for food).
• Helping to get dressed.  He won't do it himself but he can guide his arms into the sleeves and is much more patient with waiting while we get the other kids dressed.
• Swimming
• Cuddling
• Ripping up cardboard boxes
• Indoor gym activities 
• Smelling spice jars before I put them in the pan (see photo above where he's trying to sneak food out of the wok...)

Barefoot and in a large fenced-in playground.
Summer 2014
(He doesn't seem to enjoy the playground this autumn/winter!)

Running around this large playground - we still have to watch him because he will take other people's food...

Keep your chin up.  Be strong.  

A friend once told me he thinks that I was "chosen" to have V-Man because the big guy above thinks I can handle it.

I totally fucking can't and if there IS a big guy upstairs - you're NUTS! - but I'm going to try my hardest.  It may take a lot of extra pounds (I'm a stress eater), Pepsi (not a coffee lover) and patience...but we DO celebrate his birthday (just us parents) - because it's another year we didn't kill each other. survived and lived to tell the tale.

True story.

BIMU 

Let's Be Honest: Things We Say Outloud at Home

Instead of giving a play-by-play of what a day with an autistic child in our home is like - I figured I'd do it a bit differently.  Here are things we say/yell on a regular basis to our kids:

• Don't do that!  Leave it alone!  No! (And every other variation...)
• Keep it in your pants!  Put your penis away!  Put it back in the diaper!
• Did you pee on the floor?
• Don't step/stomp in your poop!
• Could you stop pooping for a day - PLEASE?!
• Let's go this way...
• You have to stop kissing your friends at day-care...that's why they separated you two.
• You're getting a shower - you're not dying.
• Will you just PLEASE co-operate?
• When does day-care start again?  
• Is it Monday yet?!
• Why are you awake?
• Go to sleep.
• Shut the lights off!
• Put it back.
• Stop eating dog food! (Only seemed to happen when my kids are teething thankfully.)
• Stop emptying the dog water bowl!
• Stop putting stuff in the dog water bowl...
• Stay still!
• The stove is HOT!  Don't touch please!
• Don't lick the wok.
• Did you put this in the food you're mixing?! (It was dish soap and A-Man did say "Yes.  Mix-it, mix it."
• Leave Daddy's bum/privates alone!
• Stop headbutting people in the privates...
• Stop groping the ladies!/men!
• No, we don't touch people we don't know...
• Keep your hands to yourself...
• Don't bite me!/him!/her!
• Stop hitting!
• Stop jumping!
• Are you nuts?! (usually refers to some crazy parkour-like technique that looks like the child will break every bone in their body and they don't...)
• Don't eat their food - please eat your own...
• Aww - you hit your head?  Let's hug.  Now let's talk about why racing under the tables was a bad idea...and the cause of your bumped head.
• Hurry - the bus is coming!
• Stop eating snow.
• I hope that's not yellow snow.
• Do you need to potty?/pee?/poop?
• Are you sure?
• (Various swear words.)
• Santa's always watching...
• Want to meet the Tooth Fairy?  Fall on your face again and it just might happen...
• Yes unfortunately we have to:
• Shower you.
• Clean your ears.
• Cut your nails.
• And your toenails too.
• Cut your hair.
• Put clothing on you.
• Put outdoor clothing on you.
• Clean and temporarily ignore your every single demand for us to see what you're doing.
• I can't wait until you have kids some day... 

I'm sure this list is fairly short... and yes, it's mostly true. :)
BIMU

See ya 2014

Well, it's officially 2015 around most of the world by now...Finnish time - it's 1:21pm.
So happy new year to you!

I know I've read a lot of people (via Facebook) say that New Year Resolutions don't work.
If they're not realistic or too grand - of course they don't.  I agree!
But I'm hoping and trying hard to make mine stick.

I should probably add some more common-sense resolutions (not necessarily New Year ones but general overall...) in there - such as:

• Say what I really mean.  It'll lose me a few friends for sure and I've been told repeatedly throughout my life that I'm "too nice".  Blame the Canadian in me.
• Isolate myself a bit more.  Trying to back away from Facebook and the internet in general and spend more time in the real world.  How else will my resolutions be complete otherwise?!
• Clean up my Facebook friends.  I do this about 2-3 times a year.  If I don't speak to a person in about 6 months (and it's not because they passed away or went into FB hiding - aka the real world) - I usually remove them.  "Oh how mean of you!" - yeah well - there are worse things I can do in life than "un-friend" someone.  
• I wouldn't be offended if someone un-friended me if we didn't talk.  But that's just me. 
• I also don't understand why people I un-friend throw a fit 3-6-12 months after the fact I un-friend them.  If it takes 3,6 or 12 months for you to realize it...
• By some un-spoken law - of course the family members and the ones I see the most in person have to stay on my friends list...or else shit hits the fan otherwise - right?

Anyways - loads of people are playing "My Year in Facebook" videos.  Something FB created so you can see what has happened in the past 12 months.  Generally, it's the most popular posts and photos.
I see no point in sharing mine because if we're friends on FB - then I have probably seen your year in Facebook on Facebook and you've seen mine.
Still it's a neat idea and reminds you of all the stuff that happened 12 months ago.

Well, here's my year:

• Had a baby.
• Surprised FB friends with said baby news. 
• Found out there were some crap blogs IN MY NAME made about me with various racial slurs and so on.
• Been to the hospital with the kids for various infections, appointments, tube surgery, split forehead...
• Dealt with several fist fights among my boys.
• Went to parent/teacher meetings galore this past year.
• Paid bills.
• My friend got a puppy.
• Had my whole computer hacked, blogs erased (funny enough someone took up the Learning About Finland blog URL pretty fast), e-mails broken into and the cops couldn't do anything about it.
• Started a new blog.  This one! :) 
• Became friends with the neighbours beneath us (this took two years).
• Lost my wallet and had it returned.
• Saw Fröbelin Palikat in concert with all 3 kids.
• Fell down a bunch of times.
• Bought a fuckton of yarn.  Didn't knit it all.
• Went to Helsinki a couple times. 
• Dealt with: hand-foot-mouth disease x3, Norovirus x3, chicken pox x3...
• Went to Tampere's Ikea.
• Threw a double kids' birthday party.
• Got a spot to learn Finnish again starting in about a week.
• Hosted Christmas and New Year's Eve dinner.

Aims for 2015?

• Less trips to the hospital with the kids.
• Not get pregnant.
• Not give birth.
• Not get my blog hacked (yay 2-step verification this round) by jealous ding-dongs (again - too nice to say something worse).
• Not buy yarn. #UseMyStash is my hashtag I've been using on Instagram whenever I complete a project.  So far there's only one.
• Go to Helsinki on a Saturday or Friday even...instead of Sunday - when nothing's open.
• Read more.
• Stop wasting time on idiots of all levels.

Fairly straight forward - some might say blunt - but here's to 2015 and whatever could possibly happen this year!
BIMU