9

I've recently reached my 9th anniversary recently and I wonder where the time has gone.
It certainly has had its ups and downs but I'm finally happy.

For me, marriage takes 100% from each partner. It's not "team work" if you only give 50% in the hopes of reaching 100% together. Aiming for 100% each allows for the possibility of screw ups and unexpected surprises and if you really both give your 100% - you will reach 100% together - probably even more! Even if there are some unexpected events tossed in that may bring you down or hold you back a bit.
I also believe that no marriage is perfect. We have just reached our 9-years anniversary and I'm very fortunate because it honestly took me having an affair at 3-years and losing my husband and my dogs- in order for me to realize that a marriage shouldn't be 50/50.

What? Why? Who with?
I did something fairly stupid, and I don't support affairs at all generally speaking.
However, our marriage was crumbling because of my husband's Crohn's - he often felt too ill to be with me and the passion that used to be there had quickly gone kaput. I tried everything. Making fancier meals or meals that he craved and could digest, trying to like music he liked in the car, watching endless hours of television and for goodness sake-buying lingerie and prancing about in it.

What did it do? Nothing. And this was life before stretch marks and saggy boobs! He would just continue reading or working and I felt like I wasn't needed and certainly not loved at all. I'm not saying sex is the be all and end all of a relationship but for me, in a marriage- it plays a minor (but strong) role in comparison to the other parts of what makes up a marriage. And not just a crap sex life- just not spending time together other than a bit of television or a short dinner conversation- it seemed that work came before me at all levels.
So I sought comfort in a work colleague and stupid me again, that person turned out to be dangerous. An alcoholic since they were a teenager, living at home with their parents and while I was never physically abused- verbally and emotionally was another story.
But why? Because I was alone. I had 4 cats and 2 dogs that gave me unconditional love and I felt I couldn't get that quality of love from another human that was supposed to be my spouse for life!

Do I regret it? Of course I do.
Do I blame the Hubster? No. Never. I sought someone else and got the attention, the conversation, the partner I had been missing for over 6 months. That would be all on me and something I carry with me forever.

How did we get over this major bump in the road?
First- we separated. I eventually got out of the affair as quickly as I could and had to deal with constant harassment from that person. Punishment for my stupidity I suppose.
I moved in with a good friend whom my husband trusted and we did great. The Hubster and I had to be friends again and see if we could find any hint of a relationship first before jumping back into playing house together and planning kids and so on.
Next was therapy. I was fortunate enough to have an employee help program at work and we were booked therapy sessions quickly.
It genuinely helped having a non-judgmental and neutral (yet educated) stranger listen to our issues. I told the Hubster and the therapist the same things I told the affair person- "I genuinely didn't feel like I was in a relationship or being loved. I found a  co-worker that was a friend and from there - something clicked."
I then began to have horrible nightmares about that person to the point my therapist recommended I take some over the counter sleeping/calming drops. Nightmares about being called racist names (of which I had been texted regularly), being chased and found in my new home with my room mate, finding my husbands body murdered-it sounds cliche but it felt real and I couldn't stop or control the nightmare. (I normally can wake myself up or change the dream if I don't like what's going on.)

You know those movies where the woman is constantly looking over her shoulder for her stalker with the creepy music bursting in the background?

That was me. Every day until I boarded a plane to Finland.
Sometimes I still have those nightmares-and it's frustrating. I've dreamt he found my little baby V-Man and did a lot of bad things.
I've had to change my email address because I got nasty emails from the person suggesting I go die, and that their New Years resolution/wish is that me and my little family get in a horrible car crash.
Funny enough (I don't know how I can find anything amusing in this confessional post)- he wished that my son would be autistic.
And I don't believe he was religious whatsoever, nor do I believe in the strength of a prayer for negative things- but it amazes me.
It's obviously not his doing, mine or my husband's- but holy crap-we so have an autistic child and yes, it was hell the first 3 years of his life.

Do I regret having the V-Man? No. Never.
He has taught me compassion and understanding and is continuously teaching me something new.

You see, after weeks of constant therapy and deep conversations- we decided we would try for a baby. Moving to Finland wasn't official yet and when I did get pregnant, we found out we could move to Finland sooner and have the V-Man here.
I could leave my job- which was a constant stress session as I still worked near the person and while I still got regular nasty text messages- Hubster stepped up to the plate and did his 100% by dropping me off to the door at work and picking me up in person to walk me to the car.

It's a major reason why I don't want to move back to Canada- as I have a much larger family to protect and as a mother, I don't know what I wouldn't do to protect them.  You know - those "mama bear instincts"...

So now, I'm good. I had to have a nasty 5 months affair to realize something so horrible and traumatizing could've been avoided-had I given my 100%.
While I did aim for 50% back then- sitting my partner down and tell him how I felt I was being ignored and not appreciated would have been that extra 50%.

So if you happen to be in this kind of particular situation- please reconsider. Reconsider going through everything I just ashamedly wrote and experienced (while typing on my phone at 2:40am).
I am not proud of what I did. Not one bit.
I am however, proud of who I have become and what I have discovered about myself since then.

Number 9 itself is my favourite number. Perhaps because I'm born on the 9th and maybe it's the shape. But according to various sites- 9 is a good thing.
In Chinese, 9 is pronounced like "long lasting", it's the Aquarius' lucky number (which I am one), according to the religious aspects- it's been used 49 times in Scripture and symbolizes divine completion.
(Had to Google all that as honestly- I just like the number.)

I realize that some people have affairs for a variety of reasons and they often destroy people and their families.  For some people, it's a happy ending and is an escape rope from a dangerous relationship (whether it be verbal, physical or emotional abuse) - while for others it's a chase, it's exciting and you get those butterflies back in your stomach.
I had an intense conversation with two girlfriends last night and told them about this blog post and decided I would go ahead with this blog post anyway.
Nobody's perfect and there is always a learning oppourtunity in everything you do.

Thanks for reading.
BIMU