A Side of Autism: Future Grandkids

We have these great friends that come over weekly for dinner - a little less frequently now because of work schedules - but anyway, they give us adults the chance to act like adults (with kids) and we are able to chat away and the usual topic always involves what we did with the kids.

Naturally, it's hard to NOT talk about the kids when they're in the same room or bouncing off the sofa nearby!

A couple weeks ago, my friend C asked me,

"Do you ever think of the V-Man having kids?"

I was thankfully sitting down and whispered that I do think about it all the time.  (Not ALL the time - but every now and again!)
This somewhat surprised my friend and I explained:

As a mother of a special needs kid - with no way of knowing his future developments or skills, I constantly stress about what will happen when me and the PIC (partner in crime) are gone.

• Who will take care of the V-Man?
• Is it fair to assume or ask his siblings to step up to the plate?
• Will they?
• What about THEIR own family?
• What about our younger siblings? 
• It's not fair for me to ask my half sisters to help their nephew - they they may never meet (depending where we all live) and if they're still in the USA - then no.
  Nothing against the USA - but the medical bills are crazy expensive and the horror stories I hear about disabled people getting hurt by law enforcement that aren't properly trained to recognize (or refuse to) disabilities scares me.
• Will we live in a country that cares about people with special needs?
• Will he have a job?
• Will he be able to afford a basic but comfortable lifestyle with assistance?
• Will he be independent enough?
• Will he ever fall in love?

(By this point - I'm in tears.  Like "Holy sh*t I can't stop crying and now - the f*cking snot is running out of my nose like there's a zombie apocalypse to escape from in my sinuses...)

I worry that V-Man will be left behind - alone, scared, unable to speak.

I worry that he'll never know what it's like to fall in love with someone.  I do not care if it's a man or a woman.

I worry that maybe he'll never find someone that truly loves him for WHO he is - AS he is.  When you "forget" he has autism and doesn't speak or act like the younger two - he's an amazing kid.  Of course, he's an awesome kid for having autism - but let's be honest, autism isn't exactly my favourite thing 24/7 - especially PRE-diagnosis...and when it comes to big things like doctor appointments or travelling/moving...

(I'm not saying I "HATE" autism - I don't.  I have a love/dislike relationship with it and when the going gets tough with him and us - especially when he was younger - it was more of an extremely dislike - borderline 'hate' session for the day.)

I worry this potential partner or spouse will abuse him - whether it's physical, emotional or straight up neglect.  He deserves the best - and I want him to be with someone that'll care about him as much as we do.

I'm curious (but I don't worry about this much) if he will ever be able to experience a safe, sexual relationship with someone.  

(Let's be realistic for a second here on why I'm saying that.  I'm not trying to come off as perverted in saying I think about my kids' future - way down the road when they're consenting adults - safe sex lives.  Most people in the world - get to experience that (hopefully positively and with proper consent and safely) - and I don't think that someone with special needs should be excluded from that list unless it was a danger to their health or someone else.  And if the original question is about him having kids - there's one main typical way to make/have them...So....time to get the elephant out of the room!)

I'm realistic in thinking that I will most likely NOT have any grandchildren to help raise from the V-Man.  Maybe all 3 kids will torture us and not have any kids at all.  (Which would really suck because PIC and I already have plans on spoiling the grand kids to pay them back for their trouble-making ways as they grow up! :P )

But I would absolutely love and cherish any of the V-Man's pets if he has one and is responsible enough to take care of one.

A grand-fish baby or a grand-puppy/kitty - I'm so there.

I don't do worms - nasty phobia - sorry.  But anything else is alright.

I worry all the time about the V-Man the most because he's the most vulnerable and yet, the strongest of my three.

Mentally, he must be exhausted trying to find some control in his physical movements and speech attempts - never mind trying to understand us and figure out how to do something as simple as playing.

(His current definition of playing with M-Girl is shutting her in the bathroom and sometimes in the dark if he's feeling giddy.)

As a parent, it's extremely frustrating to know that I have no way of predicting the V-Man's future.

With a neuro-typical kid - you can guide them and help them out with making choices about clothes, friends to hang out with (or avoid), colleges to apply to and so on.

You know that unless there's extreme circumstances - your kid most likely won't relapse and suddenly become mute or unable to use a toilet or unable to communicate at all.

I worry about ALL of these things and more - and he's only 1/3 kids!

But I'm just trying to teach him to be the best he can be, pushing his limits occasionally and to be a nice person.

I know if I worry constantly (what parent doesn't?!) - I'll miss seeing him grow up.

I'll try and make a video about this - but most likely I'll be a snotty tear-soaked mess mid-way.

But these - are some of the very sad and terrifying realities of worries that a special needs parent go through on an everyday basis...

And it could always be worse given different situations.

Thanks for reading and thanks to C for asking me the bold question.
BIMU

My New Year Resolutions for 2017

2017 has already started and I'm super delayed in writing this post...go figure.

I'm currently working at my second work practice, going to the gym 5-6x a week and I have continued running!
(Yeah I'm shocked too.  Trust me.)
I mean - running/walking/jogging - henceforth known as 'wogging'! in the MORNING with the dogs....

Anyway, here's my NY Resolutions:

• A new recipe a week - this is manageable and realistic! - although, blogging about it - seems impossible.  Hence I have Instagram! Give me a follow! :D
• BLOG more!  Vlogging has gone down the wayside thanks to my phone microphone not working well - at least no guarantee when filming with the front facing camera...
• Get abs - by END of 2017! - They don't need to be a 20-pack.  I'd be happy with a 4-pack...who am I kidding - a 2-pack would be a dream...because I HATE ab exercises!
• Keep fit: I've taken up "Wogging" with the dogs and V-Man...2 days in the row (as of me writing this) I've woken up early and gone out the door around 6am...successfully.  In the cold.  
• Eat well but smaller portions and chug that water back!
• Speak Finnish more: I apparently annoy my teachers with my English a lot...ah well.
• Reduce waste in the home: I'm bringing my resuable bags to the grocery store more and if I forget or need more bags - I opt for paper bags so I can use them for compost!
• I also turned my veggie scraps into frozen veggie stock!
• Using and feeding leftovers to the family whether they like it or not.  
• Knit myself a sweater: it's started.  It's in roving (which means it falls and breaks apart easily as I knit - which causes me to curse the wooly gods....) - but the pattern can be found here and I love how simple it is.  
• I've told myself for YEARS to make myself one...it's about time I get on it.  I'm using the #BIMUKnits - so you can follow along my journey and my sweater's journey of wherever I may knit it!  It's pretty new - like 24-hours old...so - give me some time! :D
• Embrace myself as I am and try to better myself as much as I can - mentally, physically and as a parent: self-explanatory.
• Teach the V-Man basic kitchen skills: actually - all the kids.  But especially him.  I have big plans for his future and I'm confident he can do it with a lot of practice and repetition. 
• Learn something new every month and push myself: Not just recipes but new exercises, new things to do with the kids and so on.
• Take better care of my skin: I have super dry skin and live in a fairly dry climate.
  Dry skin + dry climate + cooking student life = eczema, cracked grandma heels, nasty scaly dragon-looking skin...(*cue a joke about being the Mother of Dragons....*)

I think these are all fairly reasonable and necessary for me.
My older resolutions used to be about not cracking my knuckles...guess what? I still do it.  It's my equivalent to smoking or drinking...I just have to!

Do you stick to your resolutions for a long period of time or do they go to the wayside after a week or two? :)

BIMU

Kids Are Funny Part 1: Body Parts

So I have a 7, 5 and almost 3 year old and I'm not ashamed to say that my 5-year old A-Man and his sister/partner in crime and side-kick nearly 3-year old M-Girl - know their body parts.

I mean more than head, shoulders, knees and toes.

While potty-training the M-Girl, she noticed immediately that her brother has different body parts than her.

I immediately told her that her brother has a penis and she has a vagina.

There shouldn't be any shame or taboo about body parts (in my opinion) and for the past month and a half - they've been going to the bathroom or shower and saying, "I'm M-Girl and I have a CHINA!"
And naturally, A-Man's response is "I have a PEE-MISS!"

I see nothing wrong with teaching the kids their body parts and what (on the outside) is the most easily distinguished difference between boys and girls at that age.

I recall baby-sitting a little boy who was about 2½ at the time and while pushing him on the swing, he advised me that he and his daddy have penises and his mommy has a vagina.
It wasn't about being crude or disgusting or anything - he was simply stating a fact.

I was impressed and confirmed that he is correct.
It was a little brazen with him shouting it - but still, he's right!

However, the parent and child swinging beside us was not impressed I guess because they left.

I'm thinking of this years later because the PIC told me, "Great - now the kids are going to point out the other kids' genitals and tell their teachers they have 'Chinas'".
I shot him a death stare.

I feel, there's nothing wrong with calling and acknowledging your body parts by their proper names.
As long as you're not being mean about it and making fun of someone else's body parts - then what is the harm in saying, "I'm a girl and I have a vagina" or "I'm a boy and I have a penis!" ?

I don't know about you - but I would much rather have my children say (and hear!) their body parts appropriately than the wider range (and far more inappropriate) terms.
I would be more likely to cringe hearing a kid using curse words and filthy terms in replacement of a simple "vagina" or "penis"...

And M-Girl is quite proud of herself when her older brother teased her and told her she has a "pee-miss" - she dropped her pants in front of him, pointed and screamed at him:

"NO! I HAVE A CHINA!"

And this is why kids are funny.
BIMU

PS: M-Girl is now interested in bones - we've covered the skull, spine, knee caps, fingers and pelvis so far...

My Running Diaries

I'm the first to tell you, that a week or two ago - never mind even longer! - I would never dream that running could be fun.

This is coming from a nearly 31-year old woman - a mother of 3 - that originally defined running as:

"When I'm late - I run for the bus.  When I'm chasing kids in the grocery store and outside on our way to the bus - I'm running then.  That's it."

I decided that running on a treadmill at the gym was flipping boring.
And I would run by a window and people watch and there's only so many times I can watch a bus go by, cars and people - just boring.

So I decided today after a trip to the cottage with friends, that I would start running.

And I'm not doing it solo.

I have not one but two dogs...Milo is still a bit immature when it comes to running and likes to go at break-neck speeds - especially while trying to drag me in front of cars that he deems as driving too fast...

Loki is 9 and an excellent running partner.

People are always amazed that I live near woods and good running trails and have two dogs and don't run.

Well, time to change that.

And Loki and I aren't doing it solo.

That's right.  I dragged a kid with me.
Today, January 15th, 2017 - I ended up running/walking with both V and A-Man.
A-Man was tired and hadn't napped but played a good sport and did more walking than running.
V-Man absolutely loved it and kept up.

He's not wearing a safety harness anymore - so it was a real eye-opening experience running with the V-Man.

Here's what I learned during our first run - that consisted of 30 minutes:

1. V-Man absolutely loves running.
2. He has grown a lot in the past two years, where I've tried to go jogging (before M-Girl was born) with him and Loki before and it was a Hellish nightmare.  
1. V-Man would stop randomly and trip me, wouldn't run unless he had a stick or rock in his hands...not enjoy whatever route I took etc.  In other words, running was a real pain in the neck.
3. He understands a lot more than I thought when it came to safety.
1. A car was turning in and cutting us off and I simply had to tell him to "Wait - stop.  Car coming" and he immediately stopped running and turned to face me while we waited for the car to turn in.
4. I trust him more.  Maybe because he's 7 and I'm treating him like one (exception of potty-training - which he's still refusing)  but it's made a difference.

It was a really positive and energetic experience I have to say - and I'm looking forward to doing it solo (so I can listen to music and clear my head and go faster) and also with just Loki and V-Man because he could really keep up for a 7-year old child and there was very minimal fuss when it came time to coming home.

As for Loki?

He was pretty confused about me running.  Pretty sad when the dog realizes something is up because I usually don't run at all when with the dogs, unless I have plans and need to bring the dogs home faster.

But he's currently curled up on the sofa with the A-Man dozing off.

My goal with this running business is to just go running every day - minimum 30 minutes total and increase it every week if possible.

It'll be especially useful when going to the gym isn't possible.

I felt super energetic afterward (still do!) and like my head is quite clear even though I was rushing with the boys to make sure they stuck nearby.

Until next time!
BIMU