Training a dog that's not yours

It's Easter weekend and I love having the time off.  I am actually at my friend's place watching her dog, Viili with the A-Man.
It's been wonderful - as always, I'm a bit nervous meeting a new dog (not by much) because I never know how strong they are or what they react to - compared to my own!

But I've found that while Viili is the same size as Milo (25kg) - he is much easier to walk.
Luckily, Viili is used to the halti - a nose harness - which I find the easiest to use for walking a dog that pulls.
Milo has only recently "graduated" from the halti himself and onto an anti-pull harness!

My friend has had Viili for a few months - he was adopted near where Milo is from funny enough and was 11-months old when she got him.  In photos online, he seemed like a massive dog but in reality he's a medium terrier/mini Irish wolfhound looking mix!

I had never met Viili before and only had to watch him for a day and a half or so - but I wanted to be prepared.  I brought treats and I also made sure I brought my clicker.
They haven't had visitors since getting Viili - just by chance - so I was the first one and he was ecstatic!  He didn't bark or growl which was a good sign.
He initially was disturbed by cyclists - of which there are plenty in Finland - and joggers.  But that has calmed down and his biggest hurdle was pulling to see other dogs and if they barked - he would get a little excited and pull a lot and of course bark back.

"Sounds just like Milo and Blue (my first dog) - I'm sure it'll be fine!" I assured my friend.
Just to be safe, I came over a couple hours prior to them leaving and once I was settled in the living room, I immediately initiated clicker training.

To do this - I said his name (he understands Finnish and English - but I tried to stick with one language) and when he looked at me - *click* then a treat.
Well, wasn't he surprised at this treat-bearing person!
I did it a few times and my friend advised me that his eye contact isn't so great (yet).  That was fine - the main concern for me was that Viili would recognise me saying his name and understand that if I call him and he listens - he will be rewarded.
If he doesn't listen - then no reward.

I made sure after our friends left that I took him for a short walk around the block on my own (A-Man was pleased with all the new toys he could play with) to see what would happen if we saw other dogs and just in general - what kind of dog is he like on a leash.
I made sure to ask every possible question about Viili before my friend left and in case you're going to walk your friend's dog (or consider a business!) - here's some things I asked:

• How often should I feed him and what?
• When?
• Any part of his body he doesn't like being touched?
• How does he react to putting the halti on?  
• What does he do when a dog comes nearby?
• What do YOU do when an unknown dog comes nearby?
• How often does he go for walks and for how long?
• Does he poop every time?  
• Has he been on a bus before? (I don't have a car and had to go to the pharmacy - we brought him with us.)
• Does he steal food?
• Where does he sleep normally?
• Is he allowed on furniture or the bed? (Mine have full access but I know many dog owners prefer to have dogs stay out of their bed or not on their sofa.)
• (Of course there are many other questions to ask and consider - but many were covered from our previous conversations!)

So naturally we saw a lot of dogs during that short walk and my friend advised me that they usually have Viili sit and wait until the dog goes by and try to block his view from the nearby dogs.

Dogs that don't bark at him - he's more likely to not be so interested in.  Fair enough - I'm more likely to ignore someone who is quiet than someone who is screeching or shouting at me too - right?

I first made sure that the clicker was attached securely to the leash and also that the treats were in my pocket with fast access and if I saw a dog approaching down the road - I made sure to have a fist full ready.

I noticed when he was getting close to a dog, he would start to crouch but still walk.  This was promising - as my first dog Blue would come to a full stop and lie down waiting like a psycho hunter.

A quick snap while a dog far down the road was approaching our direction.

Anyway, I was prepared for the pulling and kept him on a short leash as well - in case he pulled hard and I just called his name and as soon as he turned his head half-way toward me (if not all the way) - I put the fist of treats by his nose and had my right hand ready to "click" the clicker for good behaviour.  

I took him on the bus (as A-Man wasn't going to walk that far and didn't want him to use a stroller) and to calm him down - he got treats if he focused on me.

He is incredibly smart and it didn't take long for him to get the idea that I am the leader because I have treats!  And that clicker was a sign that he did something awesome and he was going to get a prize.

I also made sure to use a 1-word compliment, in case my friend doesn't have a clicker or forgets to bring one with her.

"Good"  - that's it.  Sure I could say, "good boy!"  "Good job!"  "Good Viili" - but sticking to a single word compliment seems to work better and sticks faster into a dog's brain (at least based on my dogs).

We've been on several walks since yesterday and there was only one time he got the opportunity to pull and that was my fault for not having the treats ready in my hand for him to smell.

And when I told all of this to my friend via chat - she was pleasantly surprised.

I even confirmed that we had walked near or waited for dogs to walk by that were barking, growling and snarling and pulling a lot - and Viili had learned to direct his focus to me.

Yes, I blocked his view as it's consistent with what his owner does and I didn't want to disrupt his regular lifestyle and expectancies by much.

Introducing a clicker and treats (with her permission) worked wonders and was something he wasn't used to already - add a complete stranger and a new child to the mix and I can imagine that this may stress some pets out.

I also introduced a hand signal to teach him to sit.  It's simply my hand in a fist and on my chest while saying "sit".  

I'm a huge fan of hand signals with training dogs because dogs can become deaf (or already are) as they age and of course if you're talking with someone and don't want to interrupt the conversation - you can simply do a hand signal and your dog should be able to recognise what it means and then of course - be rewarded!

Pros and cons of clicker training?

• Pro: Lightweight device usually on a key ring and can be attached to your key chain and onto a dog's leash. Found in most pet shops and pet sections of a grocery store (depending where you live).
• Pro: It's a positive & humane method to train your dog to listen and signals when a reward is coming. (You may want to try the clicker training at home a few times to initiate the bond with it and your dog before just going outside to use it for the first time.)
• Pro: It's pretty fast for a dog to learn (usually)!
• Con: Toddlers tend to enjoy clicking it and driving everyone nuts - and of course dogs expect treats whenever they hear a click sound! :) 

Viili was a breeze to walk and hopefully this helps my friend make walking in her neighbourhood easier! Turns out there are a lot of dogs in her neighbourhood! :D

And perhaps this will help you too!

BIMU

PS Disclaimer: I am not a certified dog trainer.  These techniques are based on my own experience with having had a dog that was 4-years old when adopted and had no training whatsoever (and now Milo with minimum training).  I also don't agree with rough-handling methods to train dogs.  I prefer positive handling methods like the clicker and treats. :)

New Year's Resolution Recipe #10: Slow Cooked Curry, Cauliflower Fritters & Naan!

I had been dying to make some Indian-style curry in my slow cooker and finally decided for last night I would.
I love my slow cooker for curries - it's so simple!  It wasn't my first time making a curry but it certainly had been awhile!

While I was cruising through Pinterest, I decided I wanted to do something more.  Something vegetarian to go with this and discovered "Cauliflower Fritters".  I first saw this recipe and thought they looked amazing!
Then I had a nap and didn't have enough time to let the mixture chill for 3 hours in the fridge and my balcony isn't cold enough to speed up the process.  So I found another recipe (can't find the link!) where they just boiled the cauliflower and mashed it up after draining it and mixed stuff in and pan-fried the fritters.
That worked and it was so tasty!

"I don't know what I'm doing Cauliflower Fritters"

• 2 small cauliflower heads (or use 1 large one)
• 3 large eggs
• A couple handfuls of flour (or however much needed to make the mixture not so wet)
• Your favourite spices and some fresh coriander.
• For spices I used:  salt, pepper, curry powder, tumeric and some mixes.

1. Clean your cauliflower and remove the stem and leaves.
2. Break the cauliflower up into little florets and boil until tender.
3. Drain really well and mash the cauliflower until it resembles baby food.
1. Drain it again.
4. Spray your cooking pan with non-stick cooking spray and while that's heating up:
1. Mix in your eggs and spices and flour until mixture isn't super wet looking.
5. Once pan is heated, drop by the spoonful (or blob-full) some fritter mixture and fry a couple minutes on medium-high heat until golden brown and flip them and allow to cook long enough that the other side is golden brown too.  (You might need to flatten them a bit if the blob is too thick).
6. Serve and enjoy.

I bought 800 grams of beef chunks (I realize beef isn't common in Indian-style curry for cultural/religious reasons but I'm not a fan of pork meat and wasn't in the mood for chicken!) and cut them in half because we were feeding 4 adults and 4 kids - and I love a hearty stew/curry!

• While the beef was frying in a bit of oil to brown it - I peeled and cut a few small potatoes (cut in quarters), a couple large carrots and a medium-sized onion went into the slow cooker.
• I added the beef pieces, Tikka Masala curry paste (monster-sized blobs), a box of tomato puree and a can of coconut milk (only because there were little ones and I didn't want it too spicy).
• I let it cook on low for 6 hours with the occasional stir here and there.  A bit of fresh coriander and some salt and pepper and it was all good to go!  I wish I had the ingredients before hand as I prefer to have it cook for 8 hours - but was waiting to hear from our guests if they would be coming or not.  (There's a baby on the way for them - so I just had to be sure!)
• I had topped it with fresh coriander and also had some in the pot while cooking.  I'm sure I could've added more spices but was pressed for time.

For the naan bread - I turned to my favourite recipe (I love my bread machine!) and tried 2 cups of all purpose flour and 2 cups of bread flour and they turned out bigger than my hand!
Instead of brushing it with water - I brushed it with ghee (clarified butter - or you can make your own).

Serve with basmati rice and ta-da!
BIMU

PS sorry for the delay in this!  Time to catch up on some recipes!
Originally posted here.

Overwhelmed - But In A Good Way.

I don't know what I would do without the internet.
Sure I can think of a few things like:

• Cook and bake more.
• Which leads to eating more...
• Watch more movies and television.
• Read more!
• Sleep more (hahahahahahaha!) - oh that was a funny one.
• Clean more (^ multiplied by a million).

I have had my ups and downs with the internet you see - like any person - it's a constant love/hate relationship with the internet.

And now I'm going to share with you the power of the Internet.

I love the Internet for a variety of reasons. Here are some of them:

• News around the world.
• Email, chat, video chat services. It's how I keep in touch with family and friends every day.
• Recipes. Pinterest.
• Blogging and vlogging. 
• Internet banking... and Internet shopping. 
• Tutorials on anything and everything.
• Google. Thanks to Google- I have won many arguments against the Hubster over which actor was in which show we had seen before. 
• Entertainment for the kids. Which means (as a parent of the V-Man)- endless YouTube video playlists and consistency when traveling.
• Finding out my kid might be on the ever so famous Autism spectrum. 

You get my point. I love the Internet and have a constant use for it and my phone battery hates me for it too.

So - Hubster and I aren't sure if we are going to live in Finland forever.

Initially, back in 2009, it was only a 4-years long contract. We brought our dogs with us, 5 large pieces of luggage, a couple carry one and a 26-weeks along baby bump.

We have been extremely fortunate in every service offered and available to us as parents of a special needs child:

* By "free" I mean government or city funded and we pay a ton of taxes here for good reason!
You can read more about his services and care here in this post.

His contract was renewed via a different university here and he was able to work locally with minimal travelling - so that has been awesome.
However, that contract is coming to an end by the end of this year and as we are unsure of whether or not his contract will be renewed but find out the end of next month....

My nerves have been been shocked beyond belief with this uncertainty and also the shock of "where did the time go?!  Wasn't I just pregnant with the V-Man?!"

Anyway, so the point of this is - I threw myself out there on Facebook and asked a Canadian-Finnish-based group for assistance in finding out what the Canadian healthcare system is like for children with autism and also which province/territory gives the best care.
Within less than 5 minutes, a lady e-mailed me from Central Canada with a bunch of information.  I am floored/shocked/in awe with a complete stranger coming forward and telling me the ropes - because let's face it -we're Canadians (Hubster and I - kids too, despite being born abroad) - but we know absolutely nothing about special needs assistance!
I also e-mailed every single Canadian or person who had a deep tie with Canada/Canadians (and not just from knowing me :P ) and they've been so amazing with information.

So in case you're in the same boat and moving to Canada or live there already - here's some info:

• Support in New Brunswick
• Holland Bloorview Kids Rehabilitation Hospital - Toronto
• Autism Canada 

Anyway, this is one of the many other reasons why I love the internet.  People helping each other out and being kind.
So to each and every one of you who sent me a message of support and answered my multiple questions about moving back to my native country - thank you.

BIMU

PS Sorry this is late - A-Man has had a nasty tummy bug for the past 48 hours but now it seems to have calmed down!

A Side of Autism: Speech Therapy = Torture

I am incredibly fortunate enough to live in a country where, for the most part, they take care of their people.
Of course, no system is perfect- and we have had our ups and downs with the Finnish system in a variety of ways but I'm here to talk about an up and not a down.

I'm currently sitting in a cafe after dropping off A-Man at his daycare far too early. I have an occupational therapy meeting to go to soon for the V-Man and forgot my gym gear- and thought I should try to be productive while waiting over an hour to get to my appointment.

Yesterday I had a double speech therapy meeting with both kids.
Shoot me - it was awful for the V-Man. A-Man's appointment was at 10 and V-Man's was at 11.
It was awful, not because of our new speech therapist "O" but because of the location.  It was downtown in some building that none of us have been to but apparently have walked by several times.
It was extremely brightly lit and the V-Man didn't want to stay.  I can't blame him as my eyes were hurting and despite the posh decorating and setting- V-Man must've felt extremely uncomfortable in there. Hubster pointed out it may have felt "too clinic-like" for him because he did nothing but fight and scream the roof off.
Nobody was wearing scrubs, there were no sounds of drilling or other kids screaming as if they were getting blood work done-but still.
Maybe it's because it was the first time. Maybe because he was hungry - despite having gone to McDonald's for lunch while I stayed with the A-Man.
It just was a major flashback to when he was younger and no amount of scrolling through his iPad photos or movie choosing made him happy.  Not even my phone was good enough.

Anyway, the point of this meeting was to meet the new speech therapist. Sadly, our last speech therapist for the V-Man, "R",  moved away and wasn't coming back to our city for therapy sessions anymore.
This was incredibly heart breaking for us because it took V-Man so long to get used to her and was quite well bonded with her. 4 years with the same therapist was amazing and she was also a nearby neighbour (not that we ever got around to having her over for dinner)- so it really felt like she was (and still is) a friend as well.

The original plan was to have the V-Man meet the new therapist WITH his previous therapist and that way the transition would be a bit smoother.
But we had a rough time getting a new therapist. Kela, the Finnish social services program, is undergoing a lot of budget cuts thanks to the government.
So. We went through 2-3 therapists that would potentially work with the V-Man -only to have it be cancelled or they changed their minds or they couldn't take him on.
Never mind the fact that A-Man also needs therapy -although not as intensively perhaps as the V-Man, since he can speak and point things out at least.

So the A-Man was up first and she more or less had to talk with me about his habits, his hobbies, things he needed work on speech-wise and whatever else needed work.
We agreed that A-Man is speaking a lot more compared to his assessment and now is curious about what things are called and will ask.
However, the issue remains that he doesn't understand longer or more complicated sentences or time frames unless a timer is used. For example, "when the timer goes off-game is all done!" is an acceptable sentence for him.
Saying something like "you need to be ready in twenty minutes to get the bus!" isn't something he would comprehend because he has no concept of time without a timer.
Also, A-Man still has a difficult time expressing himself. There is regularly crying and screaming meltdowns over little arguments between him and M-Girl mostly.
Example?

"My mommy."
"No! A-Man's mommy."
*repeat for a solid minute at least.*
"$@?!;$:$/&/$;&/&));/&!!!?!!;$;&:&{*}!#€\*{ !!  MY MOMMY!" (Symbols represent some sort of baby language combined with Finnish and English from the M-Girl.)
Cue massive sob fest from A-Man.  M-Girl is triumphant in whatever the heck she just babbled to him and stands proudly with her face flushed and her body ready for more baby babble throw downs.
Hubster and I sat back and observed this (I admit I was laughing inside because the M-Girl is a very strongly verbal child - even in the art of babble) and when we realized the A-Man was a hot mess over whatever his little sister screeched at him- I scooped him up into my lap and asked what's wrong.
He couldn't say it. He couldn't tell me why his feelings were hurt or why he was so upset or what his sister said.

Imagine how frustrating that is for a parent who want to do the right thing and console one child while lecturing the other at the same time...but even more so for the kid who can't express what he wants to say.
Whether it's because his vocabulary isn't big enough due to the two very different languages or because he can't simply string the words he needs together to form an understandable sentence- it's sad.
So I played what I call the "Guessing Game". I say anything and everything I could possible think of and he tells me when I'm right.
I managed to break down M-Girl's chatter down to being very hurtful and mean. And I took a wild guess and asked if she told him that Mommy & Daddy aren't HIS parents-only hers.  He nodded while still sobbing and with his arms flung around me and his snot dripping all over me.
Bingo.
But this is why he does need speech therapy. Sometimes I doubt myself because he is speaking so much more than before but also because compared to the V-Man's nonverbal autism- it doesn't seem like he needs therapy at all!
But it appears he does.  What if something very serious, more than hurt feelings, happens and A-Man can't explain what he's heard or witnessed?

Anyways, the V-Man came in for his turn and it was more or less O, Hubster and I shouting at each other trying to be heard over the screams and trying to tackle the V-Man and prevent him from leaving the room.
The V-Man wasn't having it and thankfully we stayed for only 30 minutes so I could fill paperwork for his therapy, answer a few questions and we could go.
In future, his appointments (A-Man too) will be held at school and a couple appointments here and there at home- so she can see them in their ultimate comfort zone.
I really need to invest into some good ear plugs...he can really break a headache in for you in a short & loud period of time!

If you're wondering how we apply for therapies here- it requires a 2-days assessment at that neurological clinic at the hospital. Then a doctor's recommendation plus some applications via Kela.
It can be time consuming, depending on the situation and also the queue for getting a therapist-but otherwise- I'm really happy and thankful I live here.
Even with budget cuts going on - I'm fairly confident my children will get the help they need.
:)
BIMU

Happy International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day - a day for women, females, girls and even those transgendered or gay (whichever way they feel best) to feel empowered.  Special.  Loved.  Happy.  Proud.
I never took in the importance of IWD until recently - like when I had a daughter two years ago.
I had never celebrated as it wasn't a "big deal" in Canada and based on my personal newsfeed - not a lot of women or men are sharing it as a status or sharing anything about it. Mostly my Finnish friends are!
And seeing as Facebook even made a notification and a status that you can share - I'm a wee bit surprised.

I guess having a daughter has changed my perspective on the importance of IWD.
I tell her everyday that I love her, she's kind and beautiful and most importantly - super smart.
I tell her, as she proudly shows me her large, round tummy - that it's gorgeous.
She's gorgeous as she is - no matter what.

I don't want my daughter (or any child!) to feel they're not good enough because of what social media (or bullies) paints as the "ideal body image" for a man or a woman.  For a teenager or for a child.
Especially those who use their "celebrity status" platform to promote themselves in a negative and inappropriate manner...no names or anything.  But you know - the nude selfies, the public social media banters/fights...just not necessary.
I want my kids to be healthy and active - that doesn't mean they have to be lean and muscular.  That does not mean they have to be anything.
They have to be and should only be themselves.

I want my daughter and any future nieces/goddaughters or granddaughters to know that they are important.  That they matter.
That they should be treated equally and despite the fact that it's 2016 and it's still not quite there yet - hopefully in their time it will be.

I have decided to make IWD important for my daughter in every way that I can. An extra cuddle and kiss. A lunch date if it's on a weekend.
Tonight, due to my school schedule- we had a mini pedicure. I painted her itty bitty toe nails a cute shade of pink. I also got her little hair clips with little fabric stars on the end because they're adorable and she's my super star.
After painting her little toe nails, I pampered her some more with a little foot massage and lotion.

I know I hate when people touch my feet but hey- she loved it and called it "Mommy sauce"...obviously some punctuation work needs to be done. :)

The point of this post is to celebrate all of the women in the world. Whether they're your friend, your teacher, your mother, your great-grandma, your colleague or your enemy.  Whether they're rich, poor, somewhere in the middle, large, small, short or tall!
Women all around the world should be proud of everything you do and everything you are!
It's your day.

For those of you unable to celebrate your womanly day- whether you weren't acknowledged or you just simply can't- that's okay.
You're still a woman. You're still amazing and you can totally keep trucking. Because that's how we roll. (Get it?? :) )

For those that complain/question/wonder, "What about men?"
It's on November 19th.  (And for some reason it's also World Toilet Day the same day too?!)
You should also celebrate and your partner, friends and family should fete you accordingly too!
And now that I know IMD is on that day (thank you Ricky Gervais and Google) - I will be treating my sons just as handsomely. My husband will also benefit with acknowledgement and a nice meal.
But with that- sharing with them why being a (little) man is such a wonderful thing.
That as a (growing) man they can grow up to be magnificent people. They can be kind to others and continuously learn something new everyday.
They can be just as powerful as they can be sensitive and kind hearted.
And that's fine because they too, are beautiful.
They have to be and should only be themselves.

I want my sons and any future nephews/godsons or grandsons to know that they are important. That they matter.
That they should be treated equally and despite the fact that it's 2016 and it's still not quite there yet - there is possibility.  There is hope that both will be on equal platforms and that hopefully, my sons can pass that on - the importance of equality.  The importance of being a man.
The importance of being a woman and to cherish and respect your fellow colleagues - regardless of your gender or sex.

But for now, congratulations women of the world.
Happy International Women's Day.
BIMU

A Side of Autism: F-ing Pop

This week is ski holiday in our  area of Finland. Also known as March Break (typically held in February though) or spring break.
We decided to keep all three kids at home as it means we don't have to wake up and run around to three different locations to drop them off and pick them up.
We are also back to trying to save money and pinch pennies here and there.
One of the biggest spendings we have every month is "treating" the kids to lunch on the weekends.
We seriously need to cut back -so I have been trying to time my errands or outings with the kids away from meal times.
The V-Man is determined though. Subway is his thing and it's located in our grocery store of choice. So I gave in this week- he had been relatively well behaved that day and I forgot my water bottle and thought he wouldn't like the orange pop.
Wrong.
He loved it so much I got a refill. Then he refused to let me have any and I worried about a diaper overflow (although he can hold it in for a really long time-usually when in public) and that's where Hell broke loose.
He refused to eat his sandwich, of which there was a third left and didn't want to munch on the little bag of chips either. He just wanted pop.
I was alone with him and tried to remain calm as he began having his meltdown. He screamed and yelled like he was being tossed in the hole on Scandal and by yelling -I mean the whole really big area of Subway was silent (of course there were other customers) and the cash register line ups (of the grocery store) were also silent too. Aside from the beeping of items being scanned- all you heard was my 6-year old slap his face, scream in pain from it and also from the pain of being denied pop.
Then he really got pissed off and tried to flip the table over.
Thankfully those things are pretty heavy- so he couldn't flip it half way...not yet anyway.

What the f*ck am I going to do when he's a teenager? Honestly?!
Never mind the fact that everyone can see and hear him and the strangers are being kind. They're staring but not for long, they're not offering help (which I prefer) and they're pretending like there isn't a large 6-year old boy trying to his his mother with the freaking Subway table.
Thank you strangers! It makes things much more bearable for me when you continue doing your thing-I genuinely appreciate it.
(This also reduces my chances of my own public melt down if I'm left alone to deal with V-Man.)

Sure, I could've gone back to the cash register and gotten him an extremely overpriced juice box that he would finish in 10 seconds.
But then he would win. He would learn that he gets his own way by tossing a fit the size of a tornado. He would learn that he could flip a table and eventually get more pop or juice.
I'm trying to keep my cool and compromise with him. I hid the pop and told him if he had more sandwich- then he could have more pop. But then he started rocking the table at me again and the slapping himself started too and I just slurped that pop and tossed away his 1/3 of a sandwich and the empty cup and we left.
I lectured him like crazy.

"That's not nice. You don't throw the table. Try to be a good boy. No more screaming- it's not nice. You didn't get more pop because your tooth just fell out and it's way too sugary for little kids anyway. If you are more sandwich you could've had a little more pop."

I'm the whisper firmly and logically mother in the grocery store- bracing myself for another meltdown. I'm occasionally the talk out loud to myself like I would inside my head mother - which means I'm using the "OMG DUH!! Give me a break!" tone as well.
I realize he probably didn't comprehend most of the longer sentences. But I had to get it out.
I had an instant headache and dreaded what grocery shopping would bring but he chilled out once we got into that rhythm and started dragging the shopping basket on wheels-he calmed down.
Maybe the line up beforehand was too much for him or maybe the sensation of pop in his mouth was overwhelming and exciting and he simply wanted to feel more of it.

I texted the Hubster about the stress of it all and that when I got home, I would be having a drink.
It wasn't even 4pm-never mind 5.
(Of course it's always 5 o'clock somewhere...)
So I got home, rushed past the V-Man to unpack groceries and avoid him for a bit.
I just needed space and knowing that two more kids would be climbing all over me once we walked inside- I definitely needed a drink.

I can highly recommend Bailey's mixed in to your hot chocolate, topped with marshmallows, whipped cream and sprinkles.
I don't own a shot glass- so I just slowly counted to 5 -both to calm my nerves and to signal when I should probably stop pouring Bailey's into my mug.
I don't do this often- I promise you. But it was either a cup of spiked hot chocolate while muttering my stresses away in an annoyed but quieter voice-or screaming my head off.

I guess the point of all this is to share that everyone has crappy days. From both sides of the fence- the kid side and the parent side. 

In retrospect, the V-Man had to wait in line (which he despises) and was robbed the opportunity to have more fizzy pop. 

I have to remind myself that he's entitled to want more of something and express anger (still-I can't justify giving in every time!) and hope to God he doesn't kill me with a table in public. 

I know a teeny part of me wanted to make him scared and I could've easily threatened to flip the table back in his direction. 

But what does it accomplish? People calling social services because they can't necessarily see autism and assume I'm the one trying to hurt him? Not saying that's his intent when he slams tables because it isn't. It's how he truly expresses rage - other than slapping himself. 

Sometimes the toughest part of being a parent is the ability to just let it go. Don't hold a grudge. Don't lose your marbles or your sh*t - both publicly and in private. Don't give in but also don't put up too big of a fight hat ends up pushing them away. 

It's a really freaking tough job- but someone has to do it.

And you can. 

BIMU

9

I've recently reached my 9th anniversary recently and I wonder where the time has gone.
It certainly has had its ups and downs but I'm finally happy.

For me, marriage takes 100% from each partner. It's not "team work" if you only give 50% in the hopes of reaching 100% together. Aiming for 100% each allows for the possibility of screw ups and unexpected surprises and if you really both give your 100% - you will reach 100% together - probably even more! Even if there are some unexpected events tossed in that may bring you down or hold you back a bit.
I also believe that no marriage is perfect. We have just reached our 9-years anniversary and I'm very fortunate because it honestly took me having an affair at 3-years and losing my husband and my dogs- in order for me to realize that a marriage shouldn't be 50/50.

What? Why? Who with?
I did something fairly stupid, and I don't support affairs at all generally speaking.
However, our marriage was crumbling because of my husband's Crohn's - he often felt too ill to be with me and the passion that used to be there had quickly gone kaput. I tried everything. Making fancier meals or meals that he craved and could digest, trying to like music he liked in the car, watching endless hours of television and for goodness sake-buying lingerie and prancing about in it.

What did it do? Nothing. And this was life before stretch marks and saggy boobs! He would just continue reading or working and I felt like I wasn't needed and certainly not loved at all. I'm not saying sex is the be all and end all of a relationship but for me, in a marriage- it plays a minor (but strong) role in comparison to the other parts of what makes up a marriage. And not just a crap sex life- just not spending time together other than a bit of television or a short dinner conversation- it seemed that work came before me at all levels.
So I sought comfort in a work colleague and stupid me again, that person turned out to be dangerous. An alcoholic since they were a teenager, living at home with their parents and while I was never physically abused- verbally and emotionally was another story.
But why? Because I was alone. I had 4 cats and 2 dogs that gave me unconditional love and I felt I couldn't get that quality of love from another human that was supposed to be my spouse for life!

Do I regret it? Of course I do.
Do I blame the Hubster? No. Never. I sought someone else and got the attention, the conversation, the partner I had been missing for over 6 months. That would be all on me and something I carry with me forever.

How did we get over this major bump in the road?
First- we separated. I eventually got out of the affair as quickly as I could and had to deal with constant harassment from that person. Punishment for my stupidity I suppose.
I moved in with a good friend whom my husband trusted and we did great. The Hubster and I had to be friends again and see if we could find any hint of a relationship first before jumping back into playing house together and planning kids and so on.
Next was therapy. I was fortunate enough to have an employee help program at work and we were booked therapy sessions quickly.
It genuinely helped having a non-judgmental and neutral (yet educated) stranger listen to our issues. I told the Hubster and the therapist the same things I told the affair person- "I genuinely didn't feel like I was in a relationship or being loved. I found a  co-worker that was a friend and from there - something clicked."
I then began to have horrible nightmares about that person to the point my therapist recommended I take some over the counter sleeping/calming drops. Nightmares about being called racist names (of which I had been texted regularly), being chased and found in my new home with my room mate, finding my husbands body murdered-it sounds cliche but it felt real and I couldn't stop or control the nightmare. (I normally can wake myself up or change the dream if I don't like what's going on.)

You know those movies where the woman is constantly looking over her shoulder for her stalker with the creepy music bursting in the background?

That was me. Every day until I boarded a plane to Finland.
Sometimes I still have those nightmares-and it's frustrating. I've dreamt he found my little baby V-Man and did a lot of bad things.
I've had to change my email address because I got nasty emails from the person suggesting I go die, and that their New Years resolution/wish is that me and my little family get in a horrible car crash.
Funny enough (I don't know how I can find anything amusing in this confessional post)- he wished that my son would be autistic.
And I don't believe he was religious whatsoever, nor do I believe in the strength of a prayer for negative things- but it amazes me.
It's obviously not his doing, mine or my husband's- but holy crap-we so have an autistic child and yes, it was hell the first 3 years of his life.

Do I regret having the V-Man? No. Never.
He has taught me compassion and understanding and is continuously teaching me something new.

You see, after weeks of constant therapy and deep conversations- we decided we would try for a baby. Moving to Finland wasn't official yet and when I did get pregnant, we found out we could move to Finland sooner and have the V-Man here.
I could leave my job- which was a constant stress session as I still worked near the person and while I still got regular nasty text messages- Hubster stepped up to the plate and did his 100% by dropping me off to the door at work and picking me up in person to walk me to the car.

It's a major reason why I don't want to move back to Canada- as I have a much larger family to protect and as a mother, I don't know what I wouldn't do to protect them.  You know - those "mama bear instincts"...

So now, I'm good. I had to have a nasty 5 months affair to realize something so horrible and traumatizing could've been avoided-had I given my 100%.
While I did aim for 50% back then- sitting my partner down and tell him how I felt I was being ignored and not appreciated would have been that extra 50%.

So if you happen to be in this kind of particular situation- please reconsider. Reconsider going through everything I just ashamedly wrote and experienced (while typing on my phone at 2:40am).
I am not proud of what I did. Not one bit.
I am however, proud of who I have become and what I have discovered about myself since then.

Number 9 itself is my favourite number. Perhaps because I'm born on the 9th and maybe it's the shape. But according to various sites- 9 is a good thing.
In Chinese, 9 is pronounced like "long lasting", it's the Aquarius' lucky number (which I am one), according to the religious aspects- it's been used 49 times in Scripture and symbolizes divine completion.
(Had to Google all that as honestly- I just like the number.)

I realize that some people have affairs for a variety of reasons and they often destroy people and their families.  For some people, it's a happy ending and is an escape rope from a dangerous relationship (whether it be verbal, physical or emotional abuse) - while for others it's a chase, it's exciting and you get those butterflies back in your stomach.
I had an intense conversation with two girlfriends last night and told them about this blog post and decided I would go ahead with this blog post anyway.
Nobody's perfect and there is always a learning oppourtunity in everything you do.

Thanks for reading.
BIMU