I'm Stuck

I grew up with a mother and father and a little brother. No pets other than an occasional hamster or my mother's Feng Shui gold and black fish.
I've known for as long as I could speak that I am adopted.

I was not born in another country then bought or brought over to Canada to be raised.
And luckily, you cannot tell that I'm adopted if you were to look at myself with my family.
I have an Asian looking mother and a Canadian father with Caucasian but slightly dark features (hair, eyes and he tans really well), my brother is biologically their son an he's a mix of the two.
My cousin had no idea I was adopted until four years ago because apparently I look just like my parents.
It's a compliment but if you look at my biological father - the resemblance is there.

I've had the privilege of traveling to China twice in my early twenties to meet my biological father and his parents. I've also met my half brother Sky on my first trip too and think of him often. Of course I'm about 17 years older than he is and hope he remembers me.
I have met my aunt and occasionally keep in touch with her - mostly at Christmas but after a huge fight with my biological father - I think I've become the black sheep of the family living in Finland.

I've debated on looking up my biological mother but there were simply too many people online in Facebook with the same name.
I'm curious of course to see what her life is like and to see if she would like to be acquaintances.
I'm not angry or hurt.  I'm past that phase and didn't think I'd ever find her.
I'm talking at least 8 pages of people with the same name.

Then I found her.  At least I think so.  Then when I found a comment referencing the province I'm from - I'm positive it must be her.
And then after some time - I realize it is.

What do I do?
I mean I'd love to talk and say hi, I'm married now and have three kids and live in Finland (hint: have no fear - I won't magically fly over and walk into your work place or show up at your home) - what's up?

I am trying to be as realistic as possible.

• I don't expect a relationship of any kind.
• I'm not mad or sad or anything more than neutral and want to say hello.
• I don't want money or anything materialistic from her at all.
• I realize that my writing her could probably terrify her and she'll never write back or maybe we can become acquaintances - as 30 years is a long time and hopefully any kind of issues she had with putting me up for adoption is laid to rest.
• She could have found me online easily and I didn't move until I was nearly 21 - so she probably doesn't want anything to do with me.  Phone number was always in the phone book too - so there were options to reach me if she wanted.
• What if she doesn't want to be found?
• What if she's embarrassed or ashamed and doesn't want to bother ME?

It's not that I don't appreciate what my family has done for me in raising me.  Not that at all.

I still love them the same and consider them my "real parents" like anyone else who has a family and when it comes down to it -the definition of "real parents" for most - simply means who did it all.

Who raised a child that wasn't wanted, needed or loved - the real parent(s).

That's one thing I got asked all the time, "But what about your real parents?"

Let's just put it this way - I learned how to pronounce and spell "biological" at a really young age.

I'm not aiming to replace my real parents whatsoever - I'm just super curious how things are for everyone.

On the other hand - I'm quite a curious person and after digging around am learning that I have a biological half sister.

No idea if she knows about me.

I remember writing in my dinosaur covered diary as a super young child (8 or 9 years old) a list of things I'd say if I ever met my biological parents and now that I have the possibility to do it - I can't think of a single thing to say.

What would you do?

Stuck in the middle,

BIMU

PS It should be noted that both my biological and real parents all knew each other at some point - so I wasn't adopted through the newspaper or an orphanage or anything like that.
It's a rather long story and perhaps some day I'll write it out.

PPS I sent a message.

A Conversation With My Son

Last night, I had the most intense conversation with the V-Man and even though it was completely one-sided - it felt as if perhaps he understood me. Even a little bit.

I found it almost therapeutic and I suppose as a parent of a non-verbal child or even a newborn - it seems and feels silly to talk endlessly about the weather, the food you're going to eat and so on.  So I usually don't say anything to him but the necessities (i.e. "This is our bus stop", "Time to wake up!") and after last night's experience - this will change.

I woke him up last night by covering him with a blanket on the sofa and that had him screaming. So I grabbed him and had him sleep beside me on our sofa bed.
I started to hug him tightly and soothed him with our "Alphabet Game", that we haven't played in months.
To play, I just ask what starts with the letter A, B etc and list as many words as possible with that letter. It seems to calm him down and give some comfort in the rhythm of my listing.

I got to letter "B" and he was calm and really listening.
Then I decided to talk to him. For the next fifteen minutes, lying in the dark - it was just us and nobody else.

I told him I'm sorry I'm mean and yell so much. I told him I love him a lot.
I told him I hope he's happy and that I would do anything to get rid of his autism and I really hope he does speak some day because I'm sure he has a lovely voice.
I want to hear his voice, his dreams and nightmares, his happiness and pain and to hear him talk and ask questions.
I want to know his goals and what he wants to be when he gets older. I want to know everything and anything he wants to share with me.
I want to know how his day at daycare was and how his time at overnight care was too, instead of reading about it from someone else in a notebook.
I want to know who his friends are, if there's someone he likes or is trying to play with.
I want to know why he fights with A-Man and what he thinks of his sister.
I want to know if there's something at home he'd like to learn, like cooking.
I tell him he's brave and I cannot imagine being voiceless and not in control of my body.
I tell him I understand his frustration.

I thank him for being born first and taking a huge one for the team.

For those fifteen minutes, while I'm quietly talking in the dark, he's listening. He's calm and not asleep. He alternates between holding a blanket over his head and holding my hand or rubbing my boob (which I push his hands away) -and looking me in the eye.

For those fifteen minutes - I forget he has a diagnosis. A label. A condition or two.
For those fifteen minutes - it's just us and we're having a deep conversation.
For those fifteen minutes - I am in tears but manage to get my thoughts out loud and clear.
For those fifteen minutes - his autism took a break.

Here's to the next fifteen minutes.
BIMU

Going (Semi) Crunchy: Reusable Cloth Wipes

I'm going (semi) crunchy in our household.
We tried being mega crunchy about a year ago but it didn't stick.
I say "semi" because SH still uses disposable wipes and when we travel or go out (and actually remember to bring wipes or diapers with us).

However, I'm back at it again.

We have 3 children and 2 of them are still in diapers.
While M-Girl refuses to lie down for a diaper change, now that she has the power to stand/walk/run/bounce - we've stopped using cloth diapers on her.
V-Man also stands on the toilet seat for diaper changes and we go through a lot of wipes.
So much that I was getting frustrated by the cost, the waste and the complaints radiating from SH's mouth about how we ran out of wipes, his fingers still smell like poo (despite washing his hands with liquid hand soap, body wash and sometimes shampoo!) and how it was taking about 8 wipes to clean up V-Man's tush.

Showering constantly seems like a waste of water and seeing as we're still waiting for a plumber to come and install our bathroom sink (thanks to that Christmas Day incident - um over 3 months ago) - I can't even use that handy little spray hose attached to the sink for M-Girl.

I am a hoarder when it comes to yarn (just celebrated 3 months of not buying yarn for myself!) and while I love the idea of hand knit or crocheted wash cloths - having my yarn stash go to my son's buttocks just seemed - like a waste.
However, I also had a lot of fleece!

So I roughly cut up squares of fleece and soaked them in water and lightly scented baby oil in a container with a lid.
SH doesn't use them as much as he should but I've noticed he does use them occasionally to wipe the kids!

Benefits of our crunchy baby wipes?

• Puts a dent in my fabric stash.
• Soft 
• Durable
• Re-usable
• Washable
• No need to dry - just toss 'em back into your container when they're washed!
• Colourful!
• Cute!
• Can teach kids colours, how to recycle, shapes and whatever you like - depending on the pattern/colour of your fleece.
• Doesn't fray - so no need to stitch/embroider/crochet the edges - unless you want prettier poo wipes for your baby...
• You can use them yourself
• Scentless if you want
• Super pretty smelling if you want

Once they've been used up and beyond - you can toss them away and cut up some new ones!
We've had ours for a long time - about a year - and still they're like new.

So for about 7€ - I can get 4 packages (64 wipes a pack) totaling 256 wipes and that brings me to 0.02 cents per wipe.

Or just invest maybe 2-5€ worth of fleece (I consider it nearly free as it was already in my stash to begin with and picked it out of the bulk pieces bin and not off a roll) and have these wipes for years.

I rinse the bin occasionally (once a year count?) and regularly add more scented baby oil and water when needed.

To wash them, we have a nasty bucket in the bathroom - for anything wet, super soiled (i.e. puked/pooped/peed on) and I toss them in there.  Or if the washing machine is open (we only have the space for a top loader style) - I pretend to be Michael Jordan and toss that rag in the machine.

Just kidding...I'm far too short and it's not that far to throw the wipe into the machine! :)

I also soak them in vinegar if I don't plan on doing a load immediately and typically wash them at super high temperature (my machine goes up to 90).

However this rarely happens because we always have laundry to wash!  (The soaking in vinegar and the washing at 90.)

Also, I know a friend questioned me using fleece because of the fabric being absorbent but not leaking (which is why it's awesome for cloth diapers, breast pads and cloth pads even) - but they do get wet in a box of water! :)

Another friend suggested adding a couple drops of tea tree oil into the container to help soothe baby's soft skin and making it smell nice.

Your (semi) crunchy blogger,

BIMU

30 Days Done

So I wrote here, here, here, here, got super lazy and finally remembered to write here and it finally brings me to now.

I finished my 30 days juicing challenge today and am proud of myself.
I didn't fast - because the main point was to just try to make juice everyday.
There were also days I didn't juice and therefor felt like crap without.

It's something I'm going to continue and because I'm not noticing a huge weight loss - about 2-3kg give or take - I'm going to keep going and keep my portions of regular food as healthy as possible, minimum cheating and small.

What I did notice?

• Better use of the bathroom - my body is doing its thing regularly and I'm no longer going 2-3 days without having used the bathroom (the oh so mighty "#2").
• More energy and alert - I don't drink coffee or tea often - so for me, this is a nice alternative.  (Caffeine from coffee gives me headaches I've learned!)
• Drinking more water and eating better.  I had McDonald's once (maybe twice) this whole time, didn't eat out as much and cut the kebab out too.  And if I did eat out, especially with my kids - I didn't consume my whole portion and shared a lot of it.
• Seeing as I used to eat out every weekend when taking the kids out to do errands - this is a huge step up for me!
• Bought more vegetables and fruit and experimented a lot more with combinations!
• I actually look forward to juicing.

So, I'll keep juicing once a day and try to push for twice a day - especially in class (the wait for the microwaves is annoying)...we'll see how this goes! :)

Time to go to the post office!
Take care,
BIMU

Let's Chat Apps: Photo Grid

I couldn't figure out how people were posting on their Instagram accounts all these cool collages and adding stickers or text and it made sense to me instead of posting individual photos of the same thing but in different positions/angles.

So I did a search in the App Store and looked up "photo collage" and came across this gem, "Photo Grid".

Why I like it:

• Simple to use
• I can do a grid-style collage or a pin-board
• There's a wide variety of background options as well
• Free but there's some updates available for purchase but I haven't explored those (yet).

Checking out an Easter Market at Toivolon Vanha Piha!

A photo of pizza made with the delicious Craig Beckley's sausages and biltong!

Walks with my dog and his rolling about.

Soap making.

Doing some occupational therapy with V-Man!

Took him to Hop Lop to run about one day.

Made some juice with M-Girl!

I guess the point of these collages is to showcase several photos (perhaps about the same topic or location or even the same item) but in various angles in 1 photo.

Anyway until next time!
BIMU

Backing Away...

In one of my previous posts - a reader asked me directly after Easter dinner if I was referring to her in the line where I refer to someone as a snobby bitch and that I've been pretending to like them for X while.

Nope.
And as her husband pointed out - I probably wouldn't have invited them over for dinner if I had felt that way.

It was just a general statement overall - and I generally am not the type to bitch about people I know on my Facebook (or in this blog) and there are very few exceptions (this post being one of them and I'm keeping the bitching to the extremely bare minimum).
I try to keep bitching to a minimum and as a general statement about something that truly irked me (IE that time the bus completely drove past me and other waiting passengers and I had to be home in 10 minutes for V-Man's taxi to arrive.)
It's also why after having V-Man, I didn't announce A-Man or M-Girl's pregnancies at all on my Facebook.  Not even a hint of it.  Because I was like any other pregnant woman: exhausted, aching, sick, having migraines, barfing my guts up, starving, craving pop and pickles and eventually going in labour.
Why bother drowning my FB and my friends' with all that repetitive information for 3-pregnancies worth?  So I didn't.  But that was my choice and I got a lot of heat afterward from some people because I didn't share with the world that I was feeling fat, nauseous, round, depressed, pregnant and exhausted for 18-months worth.
I've also noticed I don't post as many photos of the kids (or videos) and not near as often as when V-Man was a baby (of course because he was the first)...I still take them but share their faceless photos on Instagram instead.  Or once every couple of months, I add some photos here and there.

For years I have hidden people on my Facebook and only went to their profile occasionally to like this and leave a small comment here and there.
"Happy Birthday!"  "That's so cute!"  "Great work!"

Then I went through a spring cleaning fest of my Facebook and figured those that I already have hidden and rarely talk to, with the exception of bumping into the store occasionally - I probably am truly not really friends with them.

I've also restricted my personal profile to some people (and it's growing) because I cannot handle the stress that's brought on by other people virtually bitch slapping each other and usually it's about religion or politics.  I typically don't comment on these - I just mainly shared an article for other reasons than the political or religious bit.
OR I share it to read later on when I'm wide awake at 2-5 am (most days of the week) and don't even have an opinion on the matter but wanted to read it later.

I don't talk religion or politics because it causes too much drama, heat and un-necessary hate (often but not always).

I recently posted an article about a father disowning their child because the child came out of the closet.
It was rather sad and the fact that the father claimed their child being gay was "MUCH worse than death" - I'm picturing slow torture and extremely painful types of dying - I was disturbed by how a parent can suddenly shut off the "love my kid" valve and that's that.  And then think "Well I'd rather die because a gay child is just the absolute worse possible thing in the world."

I've since had to remove that from my personal wall because it sparked so much controversy between two of my friends.  One whom I've known for nearly 15 years and the other less than two.
I didn't bring up the religious part but the two of them did and I snapped inside.
It's not the main reason - however it was just another basket of straw on the camel's back.  
I hate that I had to remove it because it was a really eye-opener of a piece for me, parenting wise, and I hate having to think of every single person's feelings or points of views when I share something.

(So please remove me if I repeatedly offend you - I don't mind at all.)

I contemplated removing myself entirely from FB but that doesn't do anyone any favours and since nobody e-mails anyone anymore - thanks to the convenience of FB and other social media - it's just easier for me to update in one place about the kids or their photos.

So what did I do?
I restricted my profile - and yes I noticed that they also decided to do the same to me - which is weird but that's their choice.

3 years ago, I stopped talking to my oldest friend because religion got in the way.
This isn't a religion bashing post - I assure you.
So I just blocked that friend (since they were going to do it to me and did for all of 1 day) and didn't talk to them again until I found out through a relative that their grandmother had passed away recently.
Now they're expecting a baby and I think/hope we've both matured enough that we can socialize online and not cause each other anymore unnecessary grief.

I have nothing against religion but am against the inequality there is in the world (regardless of what your beliefs are).
I'm just little miss neutral here.

I do have very religious friends and I think the reason why we get along so well is that they don't try to convert me or preach to me and I don't try to make them find a unicorn.
Same with my vegetarian/vegan friends or my friends that eat raw...I don't shove a cow cut up down their throats and they don't try to force me to be vegetarian/vegan/raw.

It's all about respect and mutual grounds for me.  If I truly don't like something I see on FB - I just hide it so I don't have to see it anymore.  And if it's continuously ongoing - I just politely and quietly remove that friend from my newsfeed ("hide them") and if I am offending someone - I certainly hope they remove me from their friends list if I annoy them that much or what have you.
Nearly 95% of the time - most people don't recognize that they've been removed as a friend on FB.  And for some reason, people get really upset when you've removed them and they didn't notice for 6-months to over a year...

I just think restricting is a great way to "stay friends" (or are we still?  Hard to say.) without getting anyone's knickers twisted in a bunch.

Do I have any regrets?
Nope.

Now I'm going to crash in bed as I was indeed awake from 2-4am (FOR NO FREAKING REASON) and feeling a bit flu-y.

Cough cough,
BIMU

Let's Chat Apps: Instagram

I'm a bit slow when it comes to technology - I totally admit that.
Prime example:  Netflix was first founded in 1997.  It's 2015...we JUST got it about 48 hours ago.

While everyone had Instagram for months (years?) - I only got it less than a year ago.
Now I'm borderline an Instagram skank.  I don't do selfies but I do take a lot of photos throughout the day and think, "I'll post these while I'm trying to fall asleep/waiting for the kids to fall asleep onto Instagram!...Oh this will look good....oh this even LOOKS like an Instagram photo...."

Yeah - mega nerd.

Anyway, I figured I'll do a blog post about my favourite apps (there aren't many yet - but I'm totally open to suggestions!) and rate them and whatnot.

Guess I'll talk about Instagram!
I debated for months whether to download Instagram.  Mostly because at the time, I had a Windows Lumia 620 and wasn't sure if Instagram was downloadable on anything but a snazzy iPhone.  Turns out it was and I became ADDICTED.

There are certain things I take photos of when I travel for example:

• Emergency vehicles
• Gardens (my mother in-law is a green thumber)
• Animals
• Mail boxes (I have a wonderful aunt that works for Canada Post!)
• Food
• Icons of the town
• Toilets - only if they're super weird (i.e. China's hole in the floor style - but I haven't been there in years!)
• Local crafts or yarn shops etc.

Anyways, the reason why I downloaded Instagram wasn't for selfies - haven't posted any actually. But because I think it's a great way to share little photos without having to get into Facebook and find a specific folder that this picture would belong to.

So easy.

And I try to be conscious of taking photos when at a restaurant.  I won't post it on Instagram immediately - unless the restaurant is really empty.
It's a courtesy thing and after reading this article about slow service and poor ratings from a popular NYC restaurant - it makes sense to post photos at a later time, to help speed up the service of the wait staff.

But that's just me.

I've since upgraded to an iPhone 4S and convinced hubby to use my iPhone 4 so we don't have to pay for text messages anymore (iMessage - did you know this?  It's a huge selling point for me that nobody seems to tell you about...) and since he won't use internet on his phone - Whatsapp is out of the question. :)

Anyway, I like that I've bonded with a lot of people over photos and I've been able to share some pretty funny photos too of stuff my kids and I do use hash tags quite a bit.  

For example my daily juices I've been making for the past 26 days have hash tags like: "#juice, #juicing,  #vegan (because it is even though I am not), #30daysjuicingchallenge" and so on.

I recommend Instagram (especially if you travel!) and I personally don't post photos of my kids' faces on Instagram because there's no control (either your account is "private" or "public") over who sees your account or who can follow you.  And some of my followers are spam bots - bit annoying, but ah well.

It's easy to use and I do use the filters they've provided and have recently discovered another app for making photo collages (and a separate one for making memes...again - super nerd)  - so a lot easier to combine photos into one instead of posting 2-6 photos individual of the same thing but different angle. :)

Until next time!
BIMU

PS Not sponsored - just really enjoy these apps I'll share!  Here's my Instagram account by the way!  I'd love a follow!