Meet Milo

I don't know if I believe in ghosts or religion or anything like that to be honest - but I totally believe in signs.

A few nights ago I had a sweet dream of lying in bed with Blue (who has since passed away 2 months ago) and I asked if it was okay if we got another dog because Loki is so darn lonely.
He nodded, took a deep breath and put his front leg on my arm and we snuggled tight and I woke up - yep you guessed it - a sobbing mess.

I took it as a sign that things will be okay and I didn't feel so bad about adopting another dog.

I know we didn't plan on having a second dog - so I had already sold a bunch of Blue's stuff already - thinking we truly wouldn't get another.
Loki as a solo dog is fantastic!  He doesn't bark, he's easy to walk, he responds well to clicker training - so why bother getting another?

Because Loki is pretty depressed.  He doesn't howl or bark when he's alone - and we tried putting calming music videos for him while we were away.  But still - as soon as he saw we were leaving without him - he'd sulk away.  And whenever we came home - we were nearly tackled with his 35 kg body.

It was time to look for another one.

I know there are several dogs being flown into Finland from countries that cannot care for them due to overpopulation - i.e. Spain, Cyprus etc. - but they were quite expensive.
Of course it covered sterilization, vaccines and their flight ticket (almost 500€) but I couldn't justify paying that much for a dog - regardless of its breed or sad story.  Trust me - I'm a sucker for sad stories!

After some time - I found Milo.  A Karelian Bear Dog mix with a striking looking face and he was wearing a scarf in his photo - I mean, who can't resist a dog in accessories?!  Well, my husband for one can - but anyway.  Even HE was impressed by the scarf!

Anyway, after bouncing the idea around and finding out we had to wait for another family - who were ahead of us - we got confirmation last Sunday that we'd be getting him and my lovely neighbour and I zipped out there with Loki in tow.

The first meeting was a bit awkward as I didn't know he would be SO protective of his home and lunge at me.
I was trying to remain calm and not break a sweat or have him smell fear.  I've never been bitten or attacked by a dog - and I certainly didn't want to experience it any time soon.
After I passed his sniff test - I was allowed in his home and we decided that since we drove 3 hours to see him - we may as well adopt him and bring him back home.

He barked the whole way home and managed to get into the front seat during the last forty-five minutes of the trip.

I know not everyone thinks it's a great idea getting another dog - it's obviously not the smartest idea I've had in the world.
Milo has issues we need to work on and we'll be working with a trainer next week to try and smooth out the few bumps he has in his behaviour. :)  Like barking, being extremely protective of me during our night walks, separation anxiety and stealing food...
But as you can see in the photo - Loki is pretty darn happy and so is Milo - and that's what matters.

It's been 6 days and Milo has experienced a lot of firsts in such a short time!
Like being off leash in the woods, going to a dog park, living with another dog, travelling by bus and learning clicker training.
Something really special is that when V-Man first met Milo - he immediately went over to pet him and that was that.  Milo immediately sniffed the air and around V-Man and noticed something different and doesn't mind V-Man's erratic moves - which can be quite unpredictable!

"With love and patience, nothing is impossible." - Daisaku Ikeda
BIMU

PS You can meet Milo here on YouTube!

#Seeamazing

Sorry it's been awhile - you know how it is!
I'm finally done my Finnish language course and exams and am eagerly awaiting to find out if I got a cooking school position in the new year.

Some big changes have happened to my blog lately - well, more so my Facebook page and I'm still in shock.

I don't know if you heard - but Sesame Street is rolling out an autism awareness initiative program and I think it's a fantastic idea!
I've already seen the first music video, "The Amazing Song" - and I was so touched and amazed with it - I sobbed my eyes out.
It was AMAZING because I saw kids in that video that looked just like my V-Man.  Kids that screamed and cried, communicated not with their voice but with a tablet or pictures....kids that also smiled and were amazed by the simplest of things.
Poor Hubster didn't know what to do with my overflow of emotions (or why I was THAT ecstatic) - he just hid in the bathroom.
Then I filmed a video right away - while I could express exactly how I was feeling in that specific moment.  I had already filmed a video and honestly, couldn't even tell you what it was about - I was such a sobby-happy mess.  (I guess "sobby" isn't a word - but you know what I mean!)

So this video went viral I guess - of me blubbering and crying and thanking not only Sesame Street - but "Autism Daddy" for helping with their project too and I really didn't think Autism Daddy/Frank from Sesame Street - would ever see my video.
I was floored and beyond starstruck when I got a mention from his Facebook page, a few hundred new followers and he commented on my video personally - that yes, he did see it and was happy I liked it and that I made him cry too.
*Cue the water works* and my husband wondering if someone died.
Yep - that's me - a crying machine.

Anyway, I'm still in shock and I wanted to address all of this in a blog post (before I pick up my dog - Milo!).

A friend shared the Sesame Street autism awareness program on her Facebook and wished her daughters were still into SS.  I said I think it's worth getting them to watch it because it's an excellent way of educating neurotypical children about what autism is.
If my V-Man didn't have autism - I'd still watch the whole thing and get my kids to watch it too. Here's why:

1. It shows what autism is in a positive manner.  That's not to say that autism is so incredibly awesome and everyday is perfect - but that autism isn't the WORST possible thing in the world.
2. It shows what autism is in a safe environment.  There are some autistic children who react to meeting new people in a negative or violent/aggressive way - or heck - they're having a crap-ass day too.  So being able to show this to a child in an environment that's determined by you, the parent, makes it possible.
1. This would also be awesome to watch in schools/day-cares.
3. Maybe you don't know anyone with autistic kids to try and meet up and have a play-date with.  That's certainly true for where we live.  We know two - one is 13 with verbal capabilities and the other is 4 with semi-verbal capability.
1. Maybe your child is recently diagnosed and currently you're lost and confused as to how best to help your child.
4. It doesn't hurt to educate your child that there are children/people in the world different from them. Not everyone can speak, hear, see or walk on both legs.  

I was a wee bit embarrassed to post a sobbing video of myself - but I'm glad to report that the response has been positive and a lot of people felt the same way too.

And the best thing that came out of it - was being able to connect with SO many families in the same boat as me and having this new community to be part of - no matter where we live.

So thank you so much for making my week.  

I appreciate each and every one of you reaching out to me - it means the world to me! :)
xo BIMU

A Side of Autism: Time For a Reality Check (and Music Therapy!)

So if you didn't know - I've been filming YouTube videos lately mostly "vlogging" (video blogging) my experience (thus far) as a mother of 3 kids and 1 having autism and another with SLI.
I will be filming about other topics soon - but so far - the things that have come up most frequently in my life lately - has been V-Man's autism!
That and a friend has asked me a list of questions - so I thought it'd be cool to try and make short less than 10-minutes videos about those various topics!

He's currently at overnight care and I took a short 39-seconds long video of what a V-Man melt-down is like (then added some of my own vlogging in there).
So please, turn down the volume PRIOR to watching it or don't watch it at work because your co-worker is probably wondering why you're watching such a sad and torturous video!
As you can see in it, he's screaming, yelling and slapping/pinching himself.
He was actually quite easy on himself to be honest!!  Normally it's a straight 5-minutes (or more) of slapping his own face.  He was just done with music therapy and wanted to leave and he couldn't figure out how to open the door.

A few weeks ago, I was approached by a Master's student inquiring if I'd be interested in having the V-Man try out some music therapy.
I warned the Master's Student (MS) that V-Man is non-verbal, I'm not sure how he'd react or if he'd even sit in one spot for 30-45 minutes...and I stressed that I was worried it'd be a waste of time for him.
MS said it was fine because he wanted to study children of a particular age and with both a disability and without.  The key thing for HIM is that the kids understood English to some degree - as the instructions and songs would be in English.

The first meeting was a brief intro and once V-Man discovered the CD-player - he was done with learning about instruments or singing songs.
I'm happy to say that the second meeting (it's twice a week until almost Christmas) was more successful on my end because he was familiar with the bus stop compared to the first meeting - where he kicked and screamed and I had to drag/carry him to the building.  So that made it easier.
He even touched the drums with his feet (which we had to nip in the bud because he wanted to stand on them) and then with his hands nicely.

WAHOO!

Then I started filming during the good-bye song because V-Man was having a melt-down and was just simply done with it all.

I have been debating internally with myself on whether or not I should post this video but then I thought, "Why not?"

Here's my reasoning, before you think I'm a crazy parent:

• I didn't start the tantrum/melt-down.  I didn't want to - but I did want to show my friends and family and also others - what it's really like for us to have an autistic child cry.  
• The oppourtunity to share a snippet of his actions was enough for me and I believe, enough for your own ears too.  
• Just imagine hours of this on and off throughout a day...
• That I really don't beat my kid and that those slaps and pinches are truly self-inflicted.  Not that I think nobody believes me - but also if you see another child with a disability - perhaps they really did do it to themselves.  Here's my proof that my kid does it to himself at least.
• That not all autistic children react the same.  The spectrum is huge and the big league scientists are constantly trying to figure out what an autistic person feels/thinks like.
• I wouldn't put all of the autistic kids I know in one group and say they're the same because they're not.
• It is in NO WAY a "shaming" video because that is simply not my intent whatsoever.  It's my only way to share what he's truly like when having a melt-down.  Other than have him visit you and have one in front of you.
• I have no reason and no urge to embarrass my children so publicly on a platform like a blog or YouTube - especially since I would never want the same to happen to me.  So please keep an open mind when watching the video.

I cannot soothe him properly in this video because I am filming (and with limited memory space on my phone) and trying to calm him down with my voice and with one hand.  Normally we take both of his hands and stroke our face or hair and try to remove him from the uncomfortable situation.

I truly am terrified that some day he'll yank my hair out - but for now will keep my fingers crossed.

We've TRIED giving him something to hold in his hand (something I forgot to mention in the video) and he ended up beating himself with whatever the item might be.

• Plush toy
• Dinky car
• Jingly keys (yes that hurt a lot)
• Food (pretty messy and apples are also painful)

So I know the video might be painful to watch but I hope you're able to see what it's like on my side of being a mom of an autistic kid with super strength and I hope this video somehow, raises autism awareness.

I was initially inspired by this article in the Huffington Post to share a snippet of my son's life on YouTube.

Thanks so much for reading my blog, following me/subscribing and so on - and for tolerating my 4-hours of sleep last night/super tired tears (but hey! class finals are finally done!)!!
BIMU

A Side of Autism: Phases

I went to a parent/teacher/therapist meeting today and it was awesome.
It was long (about 2 hours) but it was well worth it because I learned a lot of things about the V-Man's newer habits at school.
In Finland, children start the year they turn 7 years old but because V-Man is diagnosed with autism - he gets to start a year early - with the aims of graduating at the same time as his peers of the same age, who would start at 7.

Out of nowhere and near the end of the meeting, I had a light bulb moment.  A real "OMG I totally forgot he did that moment!"
So I thought it'd be cool to make a quick video of some of his more memorable phases and list here in this blog - as many of the phases he's gone through since being born.
Of course they might not apply to all children - autistic or not - but I found it really interesting!
My goal is to keep my videos 10 minutes long or less - hence this longer blog post! :)

• From birth to almost 1 year old:  V-Man absolutely could not be tolerated being held by the Hubster or anyone but me.  Unless he was nearly asleep, I had no freedom.  He didn't take a soother or a bottle ever.  Boob juice all the way.
• Physical contact was hard for V-Man.  He didn't care for anyone touching him, holding his hand or being held in someone else's lap.
• Now, he quite enjoys being cuddled a bit - on his own terms - and will grab random strangers hands.  Or bums.  That's awkward on the bus...
• He was potty trained (both #1 and #2) between 6-months old and 9-months.  Then he had an abscess on his rear end and absolutely refused to sit on a potty.  There went that out the window.
• He has been obsessed since he was 1.5 years  old with rubbing breasts and chests.  I truly think it's just a cause and effect reaction for him.  Not only the cause and effect of someone telling him "No - don't do that" after rubbing someone's chest but also the skin to t-shirt contact.  The fact that if you rub a nipple (let's just be blunt here) the skin gets hard.  But it's harder for him to get the same physical reaction from a woman because they're usually wearing bras.  
• Watching Disney Cars DVD - we're on our third copy.  
• Dear Disney, thanks to you changing the cover of the DVD - V-Man refuses to watch it now.  Despite the fact that nothing else changed otherwise.
• Watching Shrek 1-4 - he loves them all. But I think the first three films are his favourite.
• Biting/Chewing clothing and people - either his clothing or us - we ended this by buying him a really soft bunny on a string with a strong clip to attach to his coat/shirt.  Whenever he threatened to bite - we just popped that bunny in his mouth and he chomped hard on that instead.
• Grinding his teeth was my "OMG" moment this morning during our meeting and I just realized that he hadn't ground his teeth in ages!!!  He is a loud and hard grinder and his front tooth is actually chipped from grinding his teeth.  The dentist said there's nothing we can do but get him to use a mouth guard (yeah - that's not happening!) and hopefully he grows out of this phase before his adult teeth settle in!
• Poor diet: He could tell the difference between Chiquita and Dole or store-branded bananas.  He only ate bananas, yoghurt, bread, French fries, crackers and certain kind of burgers from a local chain.  That was the extent of his protein/meat intake.  Once we got him into a wonderful specialized day-care - he learned how to taste new foods and become a toddler/child with a teenager x5-sized appetite!
• Still doesn't like blood tests, needles, doctors or nurses.  He had a rough first blood test when he was younger and it was something out of a nightmare - blood squirting everywhere and 3 nurses plus myself holding down a 2-year old little boy.
• Jumping - enough said.
• Dropping breakfast on our face - to wake us up he'd bring either: bread, bunch of bananas, butter or an empty glass if he was thirsty and because our bed was against the wall - 1 parent got un-lucky with the V-Man alarm clock.
• Running away/wearing a safety harness - Here's the original blog post and a video to go with it.  

  

  2014

• Climbing - he still does.  He can get on wall radiators and arrange furniture just right for his climbing needs.  So far - no broken bones. *KNOCK ON WOOD*
• Not sleeping - this phase has passed I think - thanks to the wonders of Melatonin (an over the counter sleeping aid).  And he even sleeps in his own bed which just took persistence and ensuring A-Man went to sleep after V-Man did so it was nearly silent.



He did this on his own. 5-years old

• Ear Infections were an issue from 1.5-years to recently.  Thanks to tubes surgery - he is able to sleep better.  Oh and probably because his nose is clear too...remember that orange booger?
• Ear infections do seem to be a common thing among youngsters with autism - just a trend I've noticed in reading other blogs, books and so on.
  ** Not a medical expert - just a Mom. **
• Slapping himself when angered/not getting enough attention or what he wants or when siblings scream:  the difficulty with this one is I get frustrated pretty easily and I'll admit - while spanking a child is illegal here - I feel like absolute crap for wanting to spank a child who IS screaming the roof off and driving my head into the ground with a pounding headache - but there's absolutely no point because he's already slapping himself harder than adults slap each other.  Anyway, that and I'm trying my hardest to approach my kids temper tantrums with a calmer mindset.  The other issue with that is that if we try to give him something to hold that has texture - to use as a distraction - it doesn't work.  He still slaps himself like crazy with it.  
• I'm sure my neighbours (we haven't met) think we're beating the crap out of him - but I swear we're not.  He's a 1-man show that one!
• Sniffing and touching with his lips:  this sensory test can be your skin, your clothing, new food, food he's used to - anything.
• Escaping: V-Man seems to have the tendency to know how to escape any place.  Whenever he arrives somewhere he immediately scans the room for all the potential exits.  This is a major issue because he does run away - we have to be extremely careful where we visit (i.e. playgrounds and people's homes or BBQ parties) and unfortunately, have kept those to a bare minimum.  We have a fire pit in our yard and haven't used it since moving here nearly three years ago because there's no fenced in area for him to run about.  


• His new thing, is that when he's bored - he grabs his shoes and leaves.  It means he needs a break from us, from the humming of the computer I suppose and just needs a personal time-out.  So Hubster will grab the leash and Loki (who has his own YouTube video by the way) and they all go hiking together and I've noticed when V-Man returns - he's calmer and happier.
• Another new thing is that when he's returning from overnight care - he likes to carry his own backpack (which does have some weight to it!) and he'll even carry his own booster seat (for the taxi) home!  It's about a 15-minutes walk from our home - so I'm thrilled he's interested in helping out!
• He's interested in chores: V-Man enjoys putting the dishes in the dishwasher - it's not perfect but it's the effort that counts!  He likes putting soap in the dishwasher, and in the washing machine (he was being too quiet - that was the first sign...) and "hanging laundry", and cooking!  He tries to stir food and likes to sniff spices. :)
  

I'm curious what other phases or trends he'll go through :).

Anyways, the kids are getting rowdy (V-Man is already out like a light) - so I better sign off and prep for the next video! :)
BIMU

I'm On YouTube!

I'm totally throwing myself out there and putting some home-made videos from my phone whenever I have a quiet moment and made myself a YouTube account.

I've had a YouTube account before where I did craft tutorial videos and while some friends requested I start that up again - I've currently filmed and posted two videos that are closer related to autism.

In my first video - I shared some signs our first child was autistic.
Sorry it's so darn wobbly and don't ask me why it cut off at the end so suddenly - because I have no idea! I was using YouTube Capture app for the first time too.

In the second video - I talk about using PECS and why we use communication boards with A-Man as well.

I'll have a tab up top with each video and the link - I'm still working on how to get that video bar set up so you can watch it from this blog!
Thanks for your patience!
BIMU

Update:  No guarantee it'll be just my videos in the video bar - every time I refreshed the blog - it showed me my videos and some others that might not be deemed appropriate!

"Well It's Not Autism!"

I ranted and rambled a lot in my previous post (it happens when I'm tired!) and if you stuck around long enough to read the whole thing - KUDOS TO YOU.
Thanks so much for all of your wonderful comments, thumbs up of support, sharing of my blog and for just being awesome.
It's not easy to be fairly raw in my feelings - but apparently being tired and waiting for my kids to fall asleep certainly help with that.

ANYWAY, I have some pretty friggin' awesome news.

We had been waiting for over a year for A-Man to get tested for autism (or something) because last year was a nightmare with him.
I get it - he was in the terrible 2's and quickly obtaining a black belt in terrorist 3's (as I lovingly call it) and we were so sure he had some level of autism. Or Asperger's.  Or somethingism because there's no way a neurotypical kid can have such a massive temper tantrum over this and that and everything in between.  And I mean really stupid petty crap!

So a bit about the A-Man:

He's almost 4 and mouthy, and has an attitude galore.

He's also funny, caring and sneaky and clever.

He can speak a bit, he's potty trained and is full of energy.

He's athletic, brave and crafty.

The reasons why we got him checked out were:

• He couldn't seem to get ready when we asked him to and got easily distracted.
• I'm talking about giving him 30-45 minutes warning and continuously reminding him to get dressed every 5-10 minutes.
• Very defiant and he's a screamer.
• We thought he might have ODD (opposite defiance disorder).
• Got seriously upset if we broke routine - like moving away from the bus and he wanted to wave good-bye to it.
• He was held back in his last day-care because he couldn't really speak a lot and the older group didn't have enough staff to handle him.
• The staff in the youngest day-care group (where he was for 2 years and was the oldest child) - believe that his language may have been delayed as well because he was the oldest child the second time round.
• His eating habits were nearly identical of his older brother, V-Man.  Yoghurt, crackers and bread or bananas but no other fruit, no meat and no vegetables.  Plain rice or plain pasta was okay.  No meat or fish.
• But daycare food is great and awesome and he ate 3 portions at his last one and now at the new place, is willing to try new things on bread.  Just like V-Man did.

Well, we had those tests done where he met with an occupational therapist, a school specialist and a speech therapist and a doctor at the end - and they've finally come up with a diagnosis.

"Well, it's not autism!  We believe A-Man has SLI.  SLI means Specific Language Impairment."

The most beautiful sound other than a freshly born newborn crying - rang in my ears.

It's not autism.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Now, before you jump down my throat bitching me out that:

• "Autistic kids are a blessing."
• "Autistic kids tend to be mega smart and have memories like elephants and can recite anything and everything" - I have yet to see that with the V-Man.  So I'm not expecting my kid to go viral because he can draw something from memory, recite scripts from Shrek, Cars etc.  Not that I have low expectations but I have realistic ones.
• "You're lucky to have a second autistic kid because you've been through the ring once already (and continue to do so) - so you should be used to this."
• "Why are you so happy it's not autism?!  It could be worse!"

I'll tell you why.

Having a second autistic child was seeming more and more likely because A-Man IS a boy and if you don't know the stats - boys are 4:1 more likely than girls to be autistic.

Anyway, having a second one wouldn't be the end of the world- no, but it would probably drive me insane.  My patience is near level 0 everyday it seems and I do get a break from the kids by going to class regularly!

Yes it could definitely be worse than autism - for sure - but I'm just personally glad it isn't and am entitled to feel such.
You don't have to live in our home where it's not a happy household when V-Man is home because the moment he's upset - he's slapping and pinching himself.  By "slapping himself" - I mean if you're not watching him do it - it sounds like an adult is slapping another in a movie.  You don't hear the moans, shouts and the screams.   You don't feel the tension, the pursuit for inner calm or feel the need for peace.

So this is what we now understand about SLI - because honestly we never heard of it prior to this appointment:

1. "Specific language impairment (SLI) is diagnosed when a child's language does not develop normally and the difficulties cannot be accounted for by generally slow development, physical abnormality of the speech apparatus, autism spectrum disorder, acquired brain damage or hearing loss." - internet Google search
2. He's at a comprehension level of a 2-year old or younger - in both Finnish and English.  His English understanding seems to be a bit stronger but still - he'll be 4 this month.
1. He doesn't understand reasoning or instructions regardless if we put the prize first or the prize second.
   Example: "You can get a cookie if you wash your hands first" or "You have to wash your hands THEN you can get a cookie."
3. His speech is the same.  2, max 3 words-long sentences in either language.
4. He will most likely have difficulty with reading and writing when he starts going to school because his vocabulary is limited and he doesn't like when we read to him (as an example he'd rather point out what he knows in pictures and occasionally ask "what's that?").

What can we do as parents of a child with SLI?

• Be more patient than the Pope.  Working on that one daily and trying not to shout so much at him because he simply doesn't understand.
• Provide him a visual way of communicating - like picture boards for example.  Where he can "say" a sentence without having to say it. Where he can learn words and also express how he's feeling or what he wants.

A-Man's Communication Board he uses at day-care and at home for meal times.

• Teach him sign language - which is a bit of an issue because Finnish and English sign language does differ!  However, he does seem to enjoy using these communication boards thankfully!
• He'll be attending speech therapy weekly while at day-care.  And the fantastic part of this is that it's the same speech therapist as V-Man's.  So we have that wonderful connection with her already and adore Mrs. R.

People have been asking how we feel about having a diagnosis and we feel relieved!!!
It's just wonderful knowing that we weren't in fact crazy, it wasn't a phase, the terrible 2's/3's etc. and we weren't wasting the hospital's time (or ours).
And it totally fits the bill.  It explains his meltdowns, his frustrations, his delay in speech, his lack of vocabulary - all of it.

So that's been my week!

And I have big news for you.  I'll be starting a YouTube series soon!!
My classes end this month and I will be dedicating my bit of "vacation" towards blogging a heck of a lot more, promoting myself more here and there and also doing reviews!
And of course those YouTube videos as well! :)
My aim for the YouTube channel is to have some tutorials, reviews, Vlog on the go and see where it takes me. :)

Keep an eye here and I'll keep you updated!
Thanks as always,
xoxo BIMU

Rambling Update

I am a mother of three lovely children.  V-Man (almost 6), A-Man (almost 4) and M-Girl (under 2).
I am also a mother of three children who are screaming, fighting and trying to push me over the edge.
From my seat, there is finally silence (bed time) and I see a noodle cup lid on the floor, dog food un-eaten by anyone (dog or human), a bra, books, a box and a bag and a belt.  I don't dare try and describe my desk because there's so much junk here - it's crazy.
I am the mother who would rather give my kids cookies first thing in the morning because then the hyperness will burn off by supper time.
I look like a hot mess - so to speak.  I have a blueberry stain on my foot, feet drier than any dessert in the world and while a shower would be amazing before I crash in bed - I'm just too lazy right now.  My hair could use a trim, I don't remember the last time I treated myself to a face mask (which is silly because I keep buying the tubes of stuff in the hopes I remember to use them!) and I'm sort of falling asleep typing this.  Cool - huh?!

When I have V-Man at home, who is precious in his own way and at the same time viciously violent to himself - slapping his face hard - I worry about what happens when he gets older.  What happens if this phase doesn't end.
I wonder if I'll be physically strong enough to hold him back from his best friend and his worst enemy - his own body - out of control.  Slapping, pinching, screaming until he gives himself headaches and his ears ringing.
What will I do if he fights me back?  What will we do if we have to leave this wonderful, beautiful and helpful country that we now call home?
I hear of horror stories.  I read other blogs and see videos that people send me every week.
I'm honestly scared crap-less.

I can hope that things will change and we need things to change because I am at the brink of losing my sanity every time.
Every hard slap, every scream and pinch and these lead to bruising.
Trust me - I'm trying meditating, breathing in and out.  Counting quickly and slowly and slower again - just to calm my mind and my temper.
I've tried giving V-Man other things to do and the little ones something else for them to do, while we ride out these little (but feel extremely massive in the moment) stormy tantrums.
I've tried to give him something to hold- something distracting and lovely and full of texture (but not too much!) and instead of it becoming an educational toy or distraction - it becomes a weapon.

"Shit - what was I thinking?  What were YOU thinking? Why can't you just STOP and CALM DOWN?!"
I don't know if I'm screaming, saying this out loud or just all of it in my head.
The tears threaten to stream down and I bite the inside of my cheeks hard if we're in public.  It gives me something to do and focus on.
If I'm at home, I yell.  I cry and sob because I cannot stop feeling like such a horrible mother.

A parent should be able to protect their kids - put the cleaning products up high and out of reach, turn the pot and pan handles away from little fingers that can just reach, make sure they know to hold hands and not run out in the road.

But I'm failing horribly.  So I feel - based on the bruises on V-Man's face, the ones on his chest and the chipped front tooth from grinding his teeth like they work at a local flour mill.

I feel responsible that I cannot help with the prevention of bruises that I'm sure look much worse to an outsider.  A stranger.  Someone not in my shoes - not even in my socks.
I am trying and do try, and you're right - "You probably shouldn't have had more kids if this first one was going to be such a handful!"
I've thought of that several times and if I had the ability to change things - I probably would.  But then again, maybe I wouldn't.

I don't have a six-pack - not even close.  I have a chubby muffin top/mama pouch - but I'm also one of those naughty stress eaters.  I'm the one walking super fast for a Steakhouse Meal at Burger King plus mozzarella sticks - depending on the day.
I have dry skin like a snake and heels like a grandma.  I can't tell you the last time I wore a full face of make-up because that simply doesn't exist in my schedule - seriously probably about 9 years ago.
But hey it was date night tonight and I managed to wipe my eye lids with eye liner.  That has to count for something! :)

But I'm learning.  I'm trying to take an extra ten seconds after my 5-minutes shower to toss on some moisturizer.  Winter is coming you know.
I'm getting stronger mentally by taking mini time-outs for myself.  If I cannot handle the kids - I put myself in the bedroom and bury my head and cry and get that done and over with.
If I'm overwhelmed and don't feel like watching a show immediately once the kids are asleep - I take a breather and know that tomorrow could be a better day for all of us.
I'm learning to let it go and just come to terms with the fact that my kids love acting out the domino effect to ensure everyone is screaming and/or crying at the same time.  Especially when my husband isn't home.
I do knit and crochet and have been too tired to even do that.
But I'm a champ at pinning things on Pinterest on my phone - for you know, when I'm a grandma and need to make stuff for the grandkids!

I willingly admit that I was becoming 50% Momster and 50% Mom.  Or is it 50% Mom and 50% Ster?
A-Man's been getting tested this past week to see if he's on the Autism Spectrum whatsoever.
Tomorrow's the final day and hopefully we'll have a diagnosis.
"It's because your first kid has autism - A-Man is otherwise normal and just going through a phrase..." is what you're thinking.
No.  It's more than that.  It's not being able to rationalize with him or reason whatsoever.  It's his inability to say a proper sentence in either language.  It's the constant guessing and tip-toeing.
It's his tantrums and his moods that have him shut down entirely and block people out to the point he's mute - but if you speak to A-Man - he'll scream as if he's being buried alive.
We have hope though - thanks to communication boards.  (Will blog separately about that - hopefully soon.)

And where's M-Girl and Loki in all of this?
M-Girl now hits herself when she's mad.  She still screams and she bites those that attempt to "destroy her soul and happiness" "steal her stuff".  But she hits herself.
How can I teach a child to love and care for themselves when the older role model slaps himself on a regular basis across his face?
Other that that - she's lovely.  She's obsessed with skin to skin contact and will rubs my ears while she falls asleep.  Strokes my face or shoves her toes into my face for me to sniff and shout "YUCK!" repeatedly.  Or sometimes, she just wants to be held and I cherish that too.

And Loki, despite being showered with weekly treats - is still lonely and depressed.
We've tried Youtube videos for when we're out and new bones and toys and they're only temporary band-aids.
However!  I recently bought a slimmed down fanny pack and will be starting jogging with him.  Mostly because I'm tired of getting asked if I'm pregnant and also because it turns out this "slimmed down fanny pack" as I call it - turned out to be a jogging belt for wearing while - jogging - with your dog!
Just need to find the right sneakers and we'll be set.  Then perhaps I can sleep the whole night, and finally get some real rest.

My kids don't eat veggies and fruit everyday but they do eat.  My home will never, ever be shown on a magazine cover - but we're happy and they're healthy and that's good enough.
As the saying goes, "Cleaning with children living with you is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos" - absolutely pointless and I've come to appreciate and fully live my life by this motto! :)

Anyway, this is a slightly poetic-off-the-top-of-my-head update on what's going on lately.
I'm now going to crash for the night!
I swear I'll write a new blog post soon - a few of them.  But it's been busy with class, all the stuff I wrote above and trying to apply for a cooking school here (and it's in Finnish!)!
Good night!
BIMU