Hey You...It's Going to Be Okay.

Hey you...

Yeah you.  You know exactly who you are.

I know who you are - and I want you to know - it'll be okay.

It's okay to cry.  It's okay to yell and shout.
It's okay to be frustrated and sad and happy - all within a half a day (or less!).
It's okay to feel like it never gets better and it's okay to feel hopeful for the future.
It's okay to try your absolute hardest and give your 150% because 100% sometimes doesn't seem like it's ever enough.
It's okay to step back and take a moment to collect your thoughts and to breathe or to count to ten - or even a thousand.
It's okay to feel like the world's shittiest caregiver or parent every now and again - especially when people think you're doing an amazing job.
It's okay to feel like you love your kids like no other - and it's okay to feel like you detest them too.
It's okay to have one child only - or more.
It's okay to adopt or foster.
It's okay to not have children too.
It's okay to feel weak.
It's okay to feel strong.
It's okay to say "no" and take a break from some responsibilities.
It's okay to sob your head off, stuff your face with your guilty pleasures like chips, over-priced ice-cream and take-out.
It's okay to think "you're not cut out for this" - I don't think anyone thinks they are in the beginning.
It's okay to vent.
It's okay to explore new options and changes.
It's okay to go to counselling for your marriage or your family or even yourself.
It's okay to feel like you're to blame for a bit - and it's okay to feel confused. But some things just happen out of your control.
It's okay to take medicine to help you sleep or help you cope with everything going on around you (please refer to your local medical practitioner for this.)
It's okay to keep a secret to yourself and not share with your best friends or family.
It's okay to think the wildest and worst things - acting on them is a different story.
It's okay to be selfish once in awhile.
It's okay to admit you need help - even with the little things that society has deemed you should be able to handle on your own.

It's more than okay to ask for help too.

"It can always be worse" - is something one of my best friends had preached into my head when we worked together and I would get frustrated over the little things.
It's true, even though it's a thought that will never cross through your mind during a moment of rage, shouts, screams, fights and while dodging the pinches and bites.
This does not mean that your concerns are less than another's! This is my personal way of trying to think positively in a moment of frustration and when I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. This may not work for you.

"There's no other tougher critic of yourself than you" - I don't know where I found this quote but I want you to know that while you think you're having the worst day in the world and you feel down in the dumps over how you handled your kid's reaction in public or at home - you're not alone.

It might not seem like it - but it's going to be okay.
You.  Do.  You.

If you feel like there is nobody to talk to, to listen to you or help - please try the applicable hot line for your country - found here. I know it's not easy - but you can make it through this rough patch in life.

Much love,
BIMU

Birthday Cake!

Let's admit it - with all those billions of ideas on Pinterest, saved ideas and recipes from Facebook - there are several choices for a birthday cake!

Well, this year was no different.

We decided to host a small birthday party of the A-Man and V-Man's closest friends and it was more or less (unexpectedly) dinosaur themed.

Let me first point out a few things when it comes to me hosting a birthday party:

1. I am lazy AF.  I don't really decorate - mostly because it's too late and I forgot.
2. I am on a budget.
3. My home is a single bedroom flat - hence I only invited 4-5 kids.
4. I keep it to 2 hours.  One hour for playing and hanging out, another hour for eating and gossiping with the other parents.
5. I put the most effort into the food.  Mostly so I can Instagram it later on and inspire other lazy AF parents like me. :) I also keep it simple!

So!  The cake request from A-Man was originally some super hero thing - that was last year.  Then as it got closer and his interests changed as well - he started leaning toward dinosaurs!

Well, I didn't have to search far for ideas - I am happy to say I didn't even go to Pinterest yet!  I planned something simple like a round cake, frosting or fondant on top and stick some dinosaur toys on top.

EASY RIGHT?!

Then I told the boyfriend (we will discuss this later) about my cake idea - and he got really excited (as most guys do about dinosaurs and big monsters that go ROAR!) and suggested boldly, "You know the cake needs a volcano right?"

WELL YES IT DOES!

So I got really excited...I mean - the little kid that cannot sleep before Christmas morning excited.

THAT is when I went to Pinterest.  And discovered some people made a cake with a volcano and they poured some liquid jello (before chilling it - that liquid stuff) and popped some dry ice in there and POW! Erupting and smokey effect volcano on a cake - easy!

So I planned a chocolate cake, green butter cream frosting, crushed Oreo cookies for dirt, Rice Krispies volcano, red Jello and the dry ice...The boyfriend was not able to attend the party this year - however, he contributed by picking up a bag of mini dinosaur toys - which came with some greenery, a fake stone and a plastic log too!

That damn dried ice doesn't exist in Finland.  Apparently I have to order it as if I am having a raving house party!

I just wanted a tiny piece.  That's it.

Well - seeing as that was a no go - I decided to just make red Jello (including refrigerating it) and pouring that into the volcano.

Here is my step by step tutorial!

Dinosaur Birthday Cake - With a Volcano!

What you need:

• A cake - pick your flavour or boxed cake mix. I threw one together from the top of my head. I baked it the night before...or the morning of at 2am with a glass of wine with a girlfriend - depends how you look at it!
• Buttercream frosting - if you end up with extra - save it or slap it on cupcakes (which I did).
• Crushed cookie crumbs - I used Oreo because it closely resembles dirt/volcanic rocks.
• Dinosaur toys - we honestly found that bag of toys at the second-hand store and disinfected them well! (We also don't have a dollar store here in Finland - so I got lucky and found something on the cheap!)
• **Rice Krispy Square mix (Rice Krispy cereal, marshmallows, butter and chocolate): I added the melted chocolate into the melted mix of marshmallows and butter then the cereal!
• A bowl or cup to form the RK volcano around.
• Red and/or orange ready to eat Jello!
• Birthday candles!

** Make the volcano a few hours beforehand or even the night before so it's really nice and dry and sturdy!  I made mine the morning of the party and popped it in the fridge.  I ended up downsizing it because the bowl was too big and it took up too much space on the cake.  Make sure there's a wide enough opening to fill it with Jello at the top.  If it spills over - it'll look more natural! :)
** Part 2: When making the RK volano - just stick it onto the bowl or cup - I originally tried a plastic cone-shaped sieve and tin foil wrapped around it with cooking spray and it did not stick at all! :)

Once your cake is baked and cooled, frost it, and transfer the cake to your display or serving platter.

Sprinkle some cookie crumbs around, place the volcano on top, fill with Jello and assemble the dinosaurs randomly and evenly around the cake and add your birthday candles!

And there you have it!

Hopefully this helps and I apologize there aren't more step by step pictures!  But you get the idea I hope! :)

Take care and thanks for reading!

BIMU

PS A-Man was really tickled pink about the cake and V-Man was happily helping me out with some things too with it.

Momster: Solo Parenting

Soooooooo I've been solo parenting for approximately 8 days and the PIC comes back home tomorrow late at night some time.

PIC had a work trip to Canada and seeing as he's awesome at me going to the gym nearly daily at night for a couple hours - along with trips with my girlfriends - I wished him the best and told him to go.

I PROMISED myself and him that I would not text him on Whatsapp unless it was urgent or positive.
I wanted him to have fun, enjoy himself and have a SOCIAL LIFE and a break.

Here's what happened so far (please bear with me as I look through my newsfeed on Facebook):

Day 1: Everything was normal.  We did a lot of walking...7km of it! and I am obsessed with my "Map My Walk" app (because "Map My Run" just doesn't happen in my life) - and although it's a battery killer because it tracks your location - I still love it.
Oh wait - then A-Man and M-Girl napped a solid 5 hours. I was in a genuine panic because they kept sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.  This never happens! A friend of mine swung by (she works in the healthcare field) and confirmed my kids were fine.
PIC and I were worried about sunstroke from the outdoor playing the day before - but it was fine. They woke up for ice-cream...just nothing else.

Day 2: Nothing weird.  I made a pesto and gouda-stuffed chicken breast wrapped in bacon and slapped that on top of some coconut milk noodles and some spices - pretty darn tasty!
We walked 3.35 km.
Oh! I found out my daughter is pregnant with a teddy bear - and I'm going to be a grandma.

Day 3: M-Girl "girl-splained" my period to A-Man.
She has a tendency to just burst into the bathroom and after her last accident months ago - when we actually tried to have privacy and locked the bathroom door for a somewhat peaceful crap -  we've kept the door mostly unlocked.
So - M and A burst into the bathroom - not because they needed it - just because.  Because they're kids and that's what they do.

I was in the process of cleaning my cup and A-Man panicked and asked what I was doing.

Me: "Um I'm..."
M-Girl: "Se ("it" in Finnish) Mommy's cup.  She has pee-wood (period) and it goes in her China (vagina) because there's blood. Then it no go in Mommy's underwear."
A-Man: "Okay."
M-Girl looks at me, hands me a pad and says: "Here's your band-aid.  Your underwear band-aid.  Put it there.  Okay?"
Children exit the bathroom and slam the door.

She's 3.

Day 4: I made chicken and pesto nachos with the leftover chicken meat :D.
Oh and my daughter corrected my manners when she asked me if I wanted to jump on a crack on the sidewalk.

"Momma - you want to jump?"- M-Girl hopping over cracks on the ground.

"No."

"No THANK YOU. Say it again."

"No thank you M-Girl."

"Good job. That makes me happy. I jump now."

She might be a parrot - but I'm happy she corrected my manners (I was chewing ice-cream).

Day 5: M-Girl had a growth spurt and screeched her head off and wanted a banana.  From this night on - she woke up in 20-30 minutes spurts.

I FELT LIKE DYING.

Day 6: Utter crap.  Kids refused to listen AT ALL.  No amount of bribes or threats could do the trick.

On the flip side - I made home-made gummies using this recipe.  Easy-peasy! Loved them and the kids did too!

I have since made more...they're chilling in the fridge.

M-Girl decided sleep was for the weak and pathetic and offered her skills of waking every 10-15 minutes.  LIKE CLOCK WORK.  

Told the kids we could have a "Super Cleaning Party" only if they're good.  They're pretty pumped.

M-Girl barfed in the middle of the night.  Wahoo...and then continued her 10-15 minutes spurts of sleep.  AKA power napped all night.

Day 7: She barfed again this night but we got to the bathroom in time!! And there were pink streaks. AKA blood.
Boys were asleep and it was nearly 2am.  So we called a cab and returned by 4.

Learning how to prep a throat swap test...

She wore her awesome science girl pajamas and had a blast with the remarkably sweet and kind nurse.
She was thrilled to donate blood to a worthy cause (aka a finger prick test for infections) and it turned out to be really bad strep throat.  Got the prescription to pick up in a few hours and went home via cab.

4am: "Mommy - we need to walk the dogs.  They don't pee and poop in the potty."
She's wide-awake.  She's absolutely correct.  We did it.

I had been awake for 22 hours.  I slept a broken up 4 hours...

Day 7.5 (it felt like they kind of merged together...): We get up and go to downtown via bus to get her prescription of penicillin filled.  Just our luck - none of the downtown locations have it because there was a gap in delivery times.  Had to wait a few hours and go across town to another location - once our family doctor approved the different brand and dosage...

0 shame in admitting I had a meltdown of grand proportions.

Soooooo I washed A-Man's face and he freaked out and it began to BLEED.  I was honestly just trying to do my motherly duty of wiping off the crusty milk stains and poof - blood.
Looked closer and it turned out his face was covered in bump-like zits.

Sent a pic to my nurse friend who said "looks like impetigo - it's highly contagious".

GREAT.  It's after 5pm - so we went to the ER because I have no way to be guaranteed a doctor's appointment the following day...(This comes from experience as it's been 2.5 weeks and I am still waiting on my doctor to send a text to make an appointment...)

I can't get a sitter because my daughter has strep throat...so I get all three dressed and hope it isn't busy.

First thing A-Man says while observing a patient being pushed in a bed by a nurse:
"LOOK MOM! HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD IN THE BED!"
30 seconds later:

"AND ANOTHER ONE! HE'S SO DEAD."

I managed to convince him (once I recovered from trying not to laugh) that the person was asleep...

Within an hour and a half  - which is "forever" in kid language - the doctor writes up a prescription for antibiotic cream to apply to A-Man's face.  And yay - the rest of us can use it too in case it spreads.  Because it's contagious like a...I'm too tired to think of something clever.

But naturally - the system hates me this week.

Mr. Doctor says: "I'm sorry - the prescription isn't going through online.  There's some technical difficulty...are you able to pick it up tomorrow instead?"

Yeah buddy.  I'd rather wait until the following day than wait around or go between pharmacies again within 24 hours.

Then our bus driver didn't acknowledge our request for a stop - and we missed our direct connection to home.  Got home 40-minutes later because my kids have adopted a tortoise/snail/sloth hybrid-lifestyle when it came to walking home from a different bus route...which normally takes 15.

******* At this point - I've lost it.  I'm internally feeling like a beat-up exhausted piece of crap mother with 3 kids that simply don't give a sh*t about my mental health and haven't listened to a word I said after Day 1.
I reached out to a mutual friend of me and PIC and asked her to get his attention so I can call him (she's at the same conference).

He answered within 3 rings (impressive as usually his phone's on silent) and he had read my near violent text messages about everything going on with the kids' health...and I just sat on the floor waiting for M-Girl to finish pooping for the billionth time that day and sobbed my head off.

He was his typical PIC self and said, "Whenever I travel - something comes up.  You know - if it was reversed - it would've happened to me. *awkward chuckling*"

Not, "You got this.  You're awesome.  Drink wine.  Eat ice-cream."  Just his simple matter-of-fact support. 

Plus side of this day?  V-Man apparently knows how to use my roll-on deoderant and smelled way better than any of us.  Especially his knee caps.

I had to buy a new one because he used it all...but at least he knows what to do - right?!

Day 8: Apparently my daughter can scream so loud in a massive grocery store that the live accordion band will stop and wait before continuing to play.  And they're on the other side of the building.  And there was a strip show involved.  Her - not me.

She also spilled a full cup of milk because I went to throw something in the trash...I left the kitchen for all of 4 seconds.  Then V-Man followed her out of the kitchen with a duvet to soak up the mess.

Day 8.5-ish: She peed in the bed today.  Not her own that has a protective sheet.  PIC's.
But at least she's sleeping a few hours at a time now before whining and screaming for me.
Kids went to bed around midnight (V-Man) and 12:30am ...which is the ONLY reason why I am awake writing this...at 2:21am.

Good grief this was a crazy long post!

But - PIC is back within 24 hours...then I plan on taking the dogs and escaping to my flat.

SURELY WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN IN 24 HOURS?!

XOXO
BIMU

PS Kudos to all you single parents/caregivers/guardians out there...I have supported my local alcohol shop by slowly drinking my bag of wine and completely forgot to celebrate Midsummer with my cider that's chilling in the fridge.

Embracing the "Student Life"

I've been a student of some kind for the last 4 years or so of living in Finland.
I was studying Finnish once my boys got into day-care and then from there, decided I would like to get some sort of diploma and applied for a cooking vocational school.

The difference in the past years is living situations.

I've now completed my first week of living alone and this is what I have noticed:

• The kids are adjusting just fine.  As I've mentioned before - I normally went to the gym at night once they went to bed anyway - and they saw me first thing in the morning - so this in theory- for them-, has not changed.
• Loki is totally cool - Milo not so much.  :(
• There is 0 oppourtunity to fight with the PIC - not that we fought much anyway.  I don't like fighting - but now, there is really no space or time for it.
• PIC is socializing more and going out - which gives me a couple more hours with the kids if one protests bed time while he's doing things with friends.
• This is huge because he's quite shy and is always with his nose in a book for work-related purposes.
• I'm budgeting so much better and able to say "No" more to friends that want to go out.
• I'm budgeting my time so much better too.  I book time (mentally) for school, gym, kids and travelling about via bus to get them.  I'm not budgeting enough time for sleep - but I blame Milo and my permanent (?!) crappy sleeping schedule.
• I might not get to everything I want to do WHEN I want to - but it's getting done.
• I've gotten rid of crap and will have a table to sell stuff as well early next month.  Still a long way to go - but it's progress for me.
• I'm only buying food that I will eat, aiming for the discounted stuff regularly (within reason because I do not have a freezer!) and within reason.
• I aimed for discounted food regularly anyway (especially meat) - but because I don't have a freezer - I am not buying an excessive amount and I don't eat a lot of meat at home now either!
• I'm eating healthier.  I don't have the pressure of junk food of any kind (exception nachos - which I make healthy with cooked leftover meat, cheese and homemade guacamole for example) and my landlord had left behind some healthy goodies too - which was motivating.
• My kids hate anything healthy it seems and PIC's Crohn's doesn't help or motivate them to eat better either.  So I try to do my best with the kids and hide stuff regularly into food - but for myself - I'm happy that I can eat vegetarian occasionally and with whatever spices and ingredients I like without the kids nagging my ear off!
• I'm not eating as much - as in, I am not porking out on the regular. At night time I typically just have a sandwich, some yoghurt and a lot of water.
• I feel healthier, my pants are getting looser slowly and I have a bit more energy than before - for the most part.
• I do stuff my face at school.  Yep - free lunch until the end of the month - and I find I'm not as hungry at night time or the following morning because I am putting my heavier meal mid-day instead of late evening like before.
• Less food is being wasted at PIC's home.  This is because I typically don't eat there with them.  I'm present and helping when wanted or needed.  But I only eat the leftovers or extras.  This has resulted to less food needing to be prepared and therefor, less waste.  
• I'm learning that I had been overeating way too much before - and now that I don't factor myself in with his meal planning - he's saving a bunch of money from food not going to waste due to the kids.
  Think of me as a little portable compost machine.  HA HA.
• I'M BLOGGING MORE!  I know - it's crazy.  I'm actually at school writing this all out or in the morning while I wait impatiently for A-Man to get dressed for daycare!
• AND! I tested out my phone and I can vlog again while looking amazingly dorky with earphones plugged in!  So I will try to get back into that ASAP.
• I'm exercising more without realizing it.  This is because I take the dogs with me at night time - and bring them back in the morning - so there is about 15-minutes walk between our flats.  Yes, I can bike to and from and it's 5-minutes one way.  But because I value my life - I'm not cycling and bringing the dogs at the same time.  :P
• On the weekend there's a lot of extra walking too because I can do laundry then and brought the V-Man to come chill while we did laundry together (30-minutes/cycle).

For those thinking, "Oh you must get a ton of sleep now - all those years of broken sleep - you must finally be getting what you need now!"

Big fat NOPE.

Milo is stressed out - despite me doing everything in my power to make him comfortable.  My clothes are everywhere, I got new bones for him and Loki and while it is a small flat- there is space for them to sleep comfortably.
With that said, every morning - I have to bring the dogs back to PIC's place because Milo has separation anxiety when it comes to me leaving the new flat.  I can't let him bark all day (he would - trust me) - and the walls are quite thin and hearing him howl and bark would definitely drive my neighbours nuts I am sure.

And because those walls are thin - Milo hears everything.  If anyone is leaving their flat or entering - he goes wild.
I've tried to calm him down, I've told him to come to bed with me and so on - but the fact that my life is "clearly in danger" - he has to tell everyone to get away from my door and that he lives there.  :/
Unfortunately, I am moving again in August - so this is another issue for Milo and making it all the more stressful for everyone.

So I'm sleeping about 5 hours or less due to this and because I don't drink coffee - it's really taking a toll on me mentally.

And my body is programmed after 3 kids - to wake up between 2-4am for a feeding anyway...even though I haven't nursed M-Girl since she was 11-months old (she's now 3 years old).

Thankfully, I have a super long weekend coming up and then two more days of class before summer holiday.

Zzzz...
BIMU

A Side of Autism: The #NightLightGate

Something we never had to deal with before is our kids being afraid of the dark.
Until about a month ago - I was crashing on the sofa and noticed a light was on coming from the kids room.

I walked in and saw A-Man was asleep, M-Girl was in the "big bed" with her dad and V-Man was in bed falling asleep.
So who turned on the light?!

I was assuming it was A-Man because he had done it in the past and usually it involved waking up his sister to play.  But she was sound asleep with her dad and A-Man was snoring - even with the light on!

I shut off the light and immediately heard a whiny groan from the V-Man.

A quick look at my cell phone confirmed every parent's worst nightmare - it wasn't even 4am.  It's going to be a long f*cking day.

So he immediately jumped out of bed and turned the light back on and crawled back in bed.  V-Man pulled his blanket up over his head and that was it.

I adjusted the settings to my phone so the auto time-out on my phone would last for 10 minutes and I laid down in A-Man's bed nearby and tapped my screen so V-Man had some light.

It worked, he settled down and after an hour of tapping my phone whenever he woke up whining - he finally crashed.

The next day I shared this thought that perhaps the V-Man was scared of the dark.
PIC thought I was kidding - until I snapped due to lack of sleep.

Here's his argument:

1. He falls asleep in the dark.
2. It's dark all night in their room as they have thick, dark curtains - so it couldn't be the sunlight bothering him. (In Finland it gets bright very early during the summer months!)
3. Perhaps he woke up from a nightmare.
4. He's never been scared of the dark before - so why start now?
5. He is falling back asleep not because of my cell phone lighting but because of my presence.

So I whipped out my phone and went on the Whisper app and asked if it was possible for an autistic child to suddenly have a fear of the dark out of nowhere and what to do about it.

Someone autistic wrote back within minutes stating she's also afraid of the dark, never was before and a nightlight and a stuffed toy (if the V-Man's into them) should do the trick.

I told the PIC that I was going to buy a nightlight.

*Cue - biggest petty argument ever.

His reasons for not getting a nightlight:

1. It's a waste of money if it doesn't work.
2. He doesn't need one because he's "not scared of the dark..."
3. I need to stop spending money on things not being used.
4. Then he'll be dependent on the nightlight and the other kids aren't.
5. It was probably just a one-off kind of night.

I stared at PIC for a moment and decided - F-it - I am getting one.
I did the reasonable thing and waited to see what would happen the next night - lo and behold - the exact same thing happened before 4am.

I was a bit better prepared and made sure to nap a couple hours before dog-walking - so this way, the early wake-up wouldn't hurt so much.

After my experiment (as short as it may have been) - I battled back my arguments for getting a nightlight:

1. V-Man uses melatonin to fall asleep.  I've tried it once and it's quite hard to fight sleep once you've taken it.
2. I'm the one waking up - sure I could let V-Man sleep with the light on but it's a waste of electricity and I don't want to risk the other kids waking up.  I'm nasty when I don't get enough sleep - as pathetic as that sounds.
3. It's not a waste of money if it works.
4. We can wean a kid off a nightlight.
5. He crawls back to his bed to sleep.
6. If he had a nightmare - wouldn't he whine or cry?  He's absolutely silent when he turns the lights on.
7. My presence has nothing to do with it because it's just the light.  I'm not in the room when he turns the light on and crawls back in bed.

I bought a little nightlight and waited.

Third night in a row and he woke up between 2-4am and I quietly shut off the light and plugged in the nightlight.  It was a rotating one - so I pointed it downwards so it emitted a soft light in the room without flooding the whole room with light - and poof.  V-Man quieted and fell asleep.

So my new routine is putting the nightlight when I get back from walking the dogs - and we haven't had any issues since.

Now that I've moved out, I'm sure the nightlight doesn't get used all the time - but if the V-Man needs it - there is one available.

Naturally, PIC won't agree I was actually right about something and is probably still in denial about having a kid being magically afraid of the dark (last discussion about this - his response was simply "you've got him needing light now"...*eye roll) - but the main point is that everyone gets their much needed sleep and V-Man feels safe.

BIMU

PS Overnight care confirmed he needed a nightlight well before we got one ourselves - for some reason that information just never got to us....so another point for me! ;)

Update 30.5.2017: Nobody has needed the nightlight in a few days! :D  So perhaps it was just a phase.

The "D-word"

First and foremost - this is going to be a simple, matter of fact kind of post.

For those wondering why I've been quiet here - I've been busy.  I've been crying.  I've been stressed to the max.  I've been happy and have good days too.

First of all - I apologize I've been absolutely crap at updating this blog and making vlogs.  My phone speaker is busted - but today I realized (over a year later) that I could just look like a dork and film with headphones or earphones for the sound to work properly.  Duh.

So, my goal is to get back onto that.

Now, the D-word.
It's not pleasant - it's not a happy thing.

The PIC (Partner in Crime) and I are getting a divorce.  I filed it this past week.
I'm sure you're wondering why - simply, we just fell apart and didn't love each other anymore.  Of course there are a variety of little things - and funny enough, it's always the little things that mean the most and can impact the most as well.

He's still my PIC.  He's my friend - one could even say he's a best friend (which I define by how comfortable I am with farting around someone to be honest!) .
He's a great father and I will even go further and say he's a great guy.
He's the better parent in terms of patience and the ability to think things through.

We are just too opposite.  We want different things.
But the main thing we want is our kids to be happy and ourselves as well.
Our kids are the main priority currently and the transition of things has been noticed by the kids within the last few months.

First of all, this was not an easy decision.  PIC and I had been together for 10 years (2016) before I decided I would be filing.
We had been through a lot - moving from one country to another, having separated temporarily for a couple of months prior to moving to Finland and so on.

It's something that I was going to write about a year ago, after careful consideration and thought for a few months last year.  PIC requested I didn't say anything publicly until it was official.

While it takes 6-months to accept and be fully processed in Finland - I feel it's safe now to post this.

I do not want to glorify divorce.  I don't have an opinion on those divorcing, fighting through to save their marriage or whatever their situation may be.  Their situation is their own thing and for us - we are doing our thing.
We tried therapy several times, we tried to patch things up - but it all boiled down to the same things that set us apart and eventually we couldn't take it anymore.
Or I guess I couldn't - since I am the one filing.

I will not have a celebratory party like some people do - nor, will we do a divorce selfie (apparently this is the latest trend??).
Although, I totally get those that trash their dress when in the situation where they escaped a really negative and hurtful marriage!

We didn't tell many people about the divorce because we didn't want people to feel bad for us.  We wanted to keep a strong, united front for the kids (and dogs) and also, financially - it was just smarter.

We continued to live together contently and our kids never noticed that Mommy and Daddy didn't hug or kiss.  They're young and forgetful and it worked in our favour.
We still hung out and watched movies when the kids went to sleep.  We still took the kids to places together - we just simply didn't wear our wedding bands and nobody said anything.
In all fairness, he rarely wore his anyway due to Crohn's affecting his weight and him not wanting to lose his ring.
When I started cooking school - I wasn't allowed wearing it during kitchen hours - so just left it at home.

But recently, things have changed and I moved out.

So I decided I would take advantage of all these students moving out nearby and rent a tiny student flat for the summer.
I tried to bring the dogs with me - while it had enough space - Milo couldn't handle it.  I truly believe he had a panic attack of grand proportions and because I only will have this flat for now until August - it doesn't make sense to condition and teach him it's a safe space - only to start all over again in 2.5 months.

For me, moving to a tiny TINY flat - forces me to get rid of my crap.  I had so many things in the bedroom that I was embarrassed.
I found gym clothes I didn't even know I had - and hadn't worn in years (or ever).
I dug out four 150L bags of garbage from the bedroom.  I hadn't even gone under the bed yet!
That is sad.

For me, it is like hitting rock bottom with my second-hand shopping obsession and craft supplies etc.

So, I'm cleaning out this summer.  That's my summer holidays with the kids.
I'm splitting a table at the second-hand shop and only posting stuff there I KNOW will sell!

So! How have the kids been handling it?
V-Man probably hasn't noticed much.

You see, I have been going to the gym at night time once the kids are settled in bed around 7-8pm anyway.  So they never see me at night typically and now that I've moved out - I leave about the same time and come back for the dogs then drop them off before heading home again.

A-Man noticed that I had packed DVDs and was asking why I did it.  I told him I was cleaning up.
Of course everything I packed didn't and couldn't come with me.  But I wanted to plan for August, where I planned to move then anyhow.

Here's a conversation we had:

"Mommy why you have a new place?"
"Because Mommy and Daddy fight a lot and we are not happy.  But we love you, M-Girl and V-Man and the doggies very much!"
"Well, I'm going to fight with Daddy!"
"No.  Daddy is super nice and you need to be nice to Daddy and listen.  No fighting."
"Well, if you get a new home - then we don't have a Mommy."

*Cue tears.
I then had to explain that he'll always have us as parents and that we aren't replacing anyone or anything like that.
We did try our best to not fight in front of the kids after our first major fight a year ago and A-Man boldly told us to go in different rooms on time out and then after we had to apologize and hug/kiss each other to say sorry.
Thankfully, we never fought much to begin with!

M-Girl has been a bit up and down with me having my own space - even though I'm a 15-minutes walk from door to door - but of course, being the youngest - she's a little confused.

So as it stands right now - we will continue to co-parent the best way we can and eventually when I can get a larger flat and preferably closer to V-Man's school so there's less stress about the taxi - then we can attempt some bi-weekly arrangement so we both get equal free-time.

And that's pretty much it!
It's been an interesting journey and writing this all out has been incredibly therapeutic for me.

So I thank you for reading and following and tolerating my poky self when it comes to posting here!
XOXO
BIMU

Talking With a 3-Year Old

M-Girl is now 3 and she's doing great. She's growing, speaking more and in general- is a pretty awesome kid.
She's finally stopped sucking her fingers too finally!!!
With that said, she still hasn't left her "Terrible 2's" entirely yet but at least she compensates for those nasty mood swings with funny chats.

Whenever it's "shark week" - M-Girl loves to ask about periods.
She understands the term "bleeding" because she's bashed her fingers and knees so many times (along with biting her brothers occasionally!), plus she has a book about the human body and we talked about being careful so she doesn't get too hurt and that bleeding from a cut is normal.

Of course, during my last "shark week" - she burst into the bathroom and questioned everything.

"What's this?"
"A pad."
"It's a band aid?"
"Yeah something like that..."
"You bweed (bleed)?"
"Yes."
"You hurt?"
"Nah I'm okay. You will get this when you're older!"
"When I'm 6?!"
"No. When you're 13 or so..."
"It's a sticker for your under-vare? (Underwear)"
"Yes exactly."
"You bweed (bleed) out your China (vagina)?!"
"Yes sometimes. I'm okay!"
"Ahhh ok."

And then she left and I could finally finish up my bathroom break alone.

I had debated on whether or not to have some version of a puberty chat with her (and the boys) but she seems to have a lot of interest in herself and the human body in general.  So I didn't really have to think about it.
I saw no harm in telling her the bare basics.

Sure, I could've locked the door but she has a habit of banging the door down until we open it - that or she's already in the bathroom...and she simply doesn't give AF what you're doing - she just wants to hang out.

And seeing as I'm a woman and the shark weeks are still going to be a part of my life for the next many years - and PIC is probably not entirely comfortable with talking about it to her (he lacks experience from a female perspective) I may as well prepare her and she'll just be better prepared.

But at least she's aware that in about ten years or so - her nasty mood swings will be a  bit more justified and she and I can discuss cups versus tampons versus pads (aka band-aids/"stickers for under-vare").

BIMU

PS/Disclaimer:
I highly doubt I'll be the mother that tosses her kid a "First Period" or "Aunty Flo's Here!" party.  That would just make it super awkward for everyone.
I learned about puberty and sex ed in elementary school around the age of 11.  We had a school nurse come in to go over the basics, saw some videos and I felt I was quite well informed back in the 90's.
Things and times have changed - but I think it's important to have sex ed in school.
There's a variety of slang and terms these days that did not come across my ears when I was 11!!

I would rather my kids are aware of what they are capable of doing and contracting from having sex at any age and I think making sex "taboo" just increases risks of teen pregnancy, rape and STD's.
But this is entirely based on my opinion and based on my experience as a kid - I would want to have a more open relationship with my kids about these kinds of "sensitive" topics.

Of course she's only 3 and she'll probably forget ever having this chat.  But seeing as she asks me every month what's going on - I'm guessing it'll be fairly permanent eventually!

A Side of Autism: Then and Now

Today I had a date with the V-Man.  I try to have a date of some kind with each child during the week - usually weekends are best for these things - so they feel special and I try to talk things over that happened during the week with them too.

We left his siblings to nap (as they were up at 4-f*cking-30) and we went to our local grocery store - which conveniently, has a Subway.
We sat down and every time we go out to eat, I have to prepare mentally for a few things:

• That there will be a line.  He hates waiting in lines but refuses to walk around and come back. 
• That means meltdowns.
• That he's going to strip at the table.  Typically he takes his coat, sweater, shoes and socks off...
• That he's going to make a mess.  He actually is the neatest eater out of the three - but keep reading...
• That he'll wipe grease or sauce and crumbs all over his head.

Today we got lucky.  No line up.

He sat down nicely, didn't strip (probably helps he's in a 1-piece snowsuit) and used a napkin!

He also lost a tooth - and seemed thrilled - I can't blame him because it's lucky number 7 and he's been popping them out for weeks.

I guess the biggest things I've noticed is that again, he's changed within the last year and a half.

How so?

• He doesn't always hold my hand when we are out together.  He used to - to the point that I had a hard time letting his hand go because one hand would be pulling the shopping basket on wheels and the other would be tightly gripped by him.
• I don't know if this is a form of imitating his siblings or if he realized our trust has increased and he's 7.
• He also knows we will end up back home at the end of the day.
• He doesn't run away.  He seems to know his limits - and ours - and comes back when he knows it's time to.
• He also stays away from the roads.
• He doesn't rip open packages of food at the grocery store...this was embarrassing and for a few months - I refused to take him grocery shopping with me because I don't have the strength to deal with a kid who would run off, fill the basket with 2-5 packages of junk food and begin to rip them open before we got to the cash register.
• He's incredibly helpful.  He absolutely loves doing chores - I suppose because he's autism - it's the regular routine of it.  Everything has a place and everything has a schedule.
• He's reaching out to his siblings.  His idea of playing and theirs differ greatly in comparison but he is trying.  They don't get it - they don't understand autism really - but the bigger deal is that he's trying.
• He understands more.  He loves to point at things and look us in the eye and we have to say what the item is.  It was a tad annoying for awhile because he would point at a water bottle twenty plus times in a row and we were expected to say it out loud repeatedly.  BUT! I've noticed I can say longer sentences to him now - and he smiles.  
• This makes it so much easier when we have to go a different direction or eat somewhere he's not used to.
• Due to him understanding more - there's less tantrums and meltdowns.  Of course if someone doesn't understand you and you couldn't say "in their language" what you needed or how you felt - you'd freak out.  
• We trust each other more.  Of course it takes time to trust a non-verbal person and to trust a person with a voice - but we're getting there.

I think that's pretty much it for now.

Until next time,

BIMU

A Side of Autism: Future Grandkids

We have these great friends that come over weekly for dinner - a little less frequently now because of work schedules - but anyway, they give us adults the chance to act like adults (with kids) and we are able to chat away and the usual topic always involves what we did with the kids.

Naturally, it's hard to NOT talk about the kids when they're in the same room or bouncing off the sofa nearby!

A couple weeks ago, my friend C asked me,

"Do you ever think of the V-Man having kids?"

I was thankfully sitting down and whispered that I do think about it all the time.  (Not ALL the time - but every now and again!)
This somewhat surprised my friend and I explained:

As a mother of a special needs kid - with no way of knowing his future developments or skills, I constantly stress about what will happen when me and the PIC (partner in crime) are gone.

• Who will take care of the V-Man?
• Is it fair to assume or ask his siblings to step up to the plate?
• Will they?
• What about THEIR own family?
• What about our younger siblings? 
• It's not fair for me to ask my half sisters to help their nephew - they they may never meet (depending where we all live) and if they're still in the USA - then no.
  Nothing against the USA - but the medical bills are crazy expensive and the horror stories I hear about disabled people getting hurt by law enforcement that aren't properly trained to recognize (or refuse to) disabilities scares me.
• Will we live in a country that cares about people with special needs?
• Will he have a job?
• Will he be able to afford a basic but comfortable lifestyle with assistance?
• Will he be independent enough?
• Will he ever fall in love?

(By this point - I'm in tears.  Like "Holy sh*t I can't stop crying and now - the f*cking snot is running out of my nose like there's a zombie apocalypse to escape from in my sinuses...)

I worry that V-Man will be left behind - alone, scared, unable to speak.

I worry that he'll never know what it's like to fall in love with someone.  I do not care if it's a man or a woman.

I worry that maybe he'll never find someone that truly loves him for WHO he is - AS he is.  When you "forget" he has autism and doesn't speak or act like the younger two - he's an amazing kid.  Of course, he's an awesome kid for having autism - but let's be honest, autism isn't exactly my favourite thing 24/7 - especially PRE-diagnosis...and when it comes to big things like doctor appointments or travelling/moving...

(I'm not saying I "HATE" autism - I don't.  I have a love/dislike relationship with it and when the going gets tough with him and us - especially when he was younger - it was more of an extremely dislike - borderline 'hate' session for the day.)

I worry this potential partner or spouse will abuse him - whether it's physical, emotional or straight up neglect.  He deserves the best - and I want him to be with someone that'll care about him as much as we do.

I'm curious (but I don't worry about this much) if he will ever be able to experience a safe, sexual relationship with someone.  

(Let's be realistic for a second here on why I'm saying that.  I'm not trying to come off as perverted in saying I think about my kids' future - way down the road when they're consenting adults - safe sex lives.  Most people in the world - get to experience that (hopefully positively and with proper consent and safely) - and I don't think that someone with special needs should be excluded from that list unless it was a danger to their health or someone else.  And if the original question is about him having kids - there's one main typical way to make/have them...So....time to get the elephant out of the room!)

I'm realistic in thinking that I will most likely NOT have any grandchildren to help raise from the V-Man.  Maybe all 3 kids will torture us and not have any kids at all.  (Which would really suck because PIC and I already have plans on spoiling the grand kids to pay them back for their trouble-making ways as they grow up! :P )

But I would absolutely love and cherish any of the V-Man's pets if he has one and is responsible enough to take care of one.

A grand-fish baby or a grand-puppy/kitty - I'm so there.

I don't do worms - nasty phobia - sorry.  But anything else is alright.

I worry all the time about the V-Man the most because he's the most vulnerable and yet, the strongest of my three.

Mentally, he must be exhausted trying to find some control in his physical movements and speech attempts - never mind trying to understand us and figure out how to do something as simple as playing.

(His current definition of playing with M-Girl is shutting her in the bathroom and sometimes in the dark if he's feeling giddy.)

As a parent, it's extremely frustrating to know that I have no way of predicting the V-Man's future.

With a neuro-typical kid - you can guide them and help them out with making choices about clothes, friends to hang out with (or avoid), colleges to apply to and so on.

You know that unless there's extreme circumstances - your kid most likely won't relapse and suddenly become mute or unable to use a toilet or unable to communicate at all.

I worry about ALL of these things and more - and he's only 1/3 kids!

But I'm just trying to teach him to be the best he can be, pushing his limits occasionally and to be a nice person.

I know if I worry constantly (what parent doesn't?!) - I'll miss seeing him grow up.

I'll try and make a video about this - but most likely I'll be a snotty tear-soaked mess mid-way.

But these - are some of the very sad and terrifying realities of worries that a special needs parent go through on an everyday basis...

And it could always be worse given different situations.

Thanks for reading and thanks to C for asking me the bold question.
BIMU

My New Year Resolutions for 2017

2017 has already started and I'm super delayed in writing this post...go figure.

I'm currently working at my second work practice, going to the gym 5-6x a week and I have continued running!
(Yeah I'm shocked too.  Trust me.)
I mean - running/walking/jogging - henceforth known as 'wogging'! in the MORNING with the dogs....

Anyway, here's my NY Resolutions:

• A new recipe a week - this is manageable and realistic! - although, blogging about it - seems impossible.  Hence I have Instagram! Give me a follow! :D
• BLOG more!  Vlogging has gone down the wayside thanks to my phone microphone not working well - at least no guarantee when filming with the front facing camera...
• Get abs - by END of 2017! - They don't need to be a 20-pack.  I'd be happy with a 4-pack...who am I kidding - a 2-pack would be a dream...because I HATE ab exercises!
• Keep fit: I've taken up "Wogging" with the dogs and V-Man...2 days in the row (as of me writing this) I've woken up early and gone out the door around 6am...successfully.  In the cold.  
• Eat well but smaller portions and chug that water back!
• Speak Finnish more: I apparently annoy my teachers with my English a lot...ah well.
• Reduce waste in the home: I'm bringing my resuable bags to the grocery store more and if I forget or need more bags - I opt for paper bags so I can use them for compost!
• I also turned my veggie scraps into frozen veggie stock!
• Using and feeding leftovers to the family whether they like it or not.  
• Knit myself a sweater: it's started.  It's in roving (which means it falls and breaks apart easily as I knit - which causes me to curse the wooly gods....) - but the pattern can be found here and I love how simple it is.  
• I've told myself for YEARS to make myself one...it's about time I get on it.  I'm using the #BIMUKnits - so you can follow along my journey and my sweater's journey of wherever I may knit it!  It's pretty new - like 24-hours old...so - give me some time! :D
• Embrace myself as I am and try to better myself as much as I can - mentally, physically and as a parent: self-explanatory.
• Teach the V-Man basic kitchen skills: actually - all the kids.  But especially him.  I have big plans for his future and I'm confident he can do it with a lot of practice and repetition. 
• Learn something new every month and push myself: Not just recipes but new exercises, new things to do with the kids and so on.
• Take better care of my skin: I have super dry skin and live in a fairly dry climate.
  Dry skin + dry climate + cooking student life = eczema, cracked grandma heels, nasty scaly dragon-looking skin...(*cue a joke about being the Mother of Dragons....*)

I think these are all fairly reasonable and necessary for me.
My older resolutions used to be about not cracking my knuckles...guess what? I still do it.  It's my equivalent to smoking or drinking...I just have to!

Do you stick to your resolutions for a long period of time or do they go to the wayside after a week or two? :)

BIMU

Kids Are Funny Part 1: Body Parts

So I have a 7, 5 and almost 3 year old and I'm not ashamed to say that my 5-year old A-Man and his sister/partner in crime and side-kick nearly 3-year old M-Girl - know their body parts.

I mean more than head, shoulders, knees and toes.

While potty-training the M-Girl, she noticed immediately that her brother has different body parts than her.

I immediately told her that her brother has a penis and she has a vagina.

There shouldn't be any shame or taboo about body parts (in my opinion) and for the past month and a half - they've been going to the bathroom or shower and saying, "I'm M-Girl and I have a CHINA!"
And naturally, A-Man's response is "I have a PEE-MISS!"

I see nothing wrong with teaching the kids their body parts and what (on the outside) is the most easily distinguished difference between boys and girls at that age.

I recall baby-sitting a little boy who was about 2½ at the time and while pushing him on the swing, he advised me that he and his daddy have penises and his mommy has a vagina.
It wasn't about being crude or disgusting or anything - he was simply stating a fact.

I was impressed and confirmed that he is correct.
It was a little brazen with him shouting it - but still, he's right!

However, the parent and child swinging beside us was not impressed I guess because they left.

I'm thinking of this years later because the PIC told me, "Great - now the kids are going to point out the other kids' genitals and tell their teachers they have 'Chinas'".
I shot him a death stare.

I feel, there's nothing wrong with calling and acknowledging your body parts by their proper names.
As long as you're not being mean about it and making fun of someone else's body parts - then what is the harm in saying, "I'm a girl and I have a vagina" or "I'm a boy and I have a penis!" ?

I don't know about you - but I would much rather have my children say (and hear!) their body parts appropriately than the wider range (and far more inappropriate) terms.
I would be more likely to cringe hearing a kid using curse words and filthy terms in replacement of a simple "vagina" or "penis"...

And M-Girl is quite proud of herself when her older brother teased her and told her she has a "pee-miss" - she dropped her pants in front of him, pointed and screamed at him:

"NO! I HAVE A CHINA!"

And this is why kids are funny.
BIMU

PS: M-Girl is now interested in bones - we've covered the skull, spine, knee caps, fingers and pelvis so far...

My Running Diaries

I'm the first to tell you, that a week or two ago - never mind even longer! - I would never dream that running could be fun.

This is coming from a nearly 31-year old woman - a mother of 3 - that originally defined running as:

"When I'm late - I run for the bus.  When I'm chasing kids in the grocery store and outside on our way to the bus - I'm running then.  That's it."

I decided that running on a treadmill at the gym was flipping boring.
And I would run by a window and people watch and there's only so many times I can watch a bus go by, cars and people - just boring.

So I decided today after a trip to the cottage with friends, that I would start running.

And I'm not doing it solo.

I have not one but two dogs...Milo is still a bit immature when it comes to running and likes to go at break-neck speeds - especially while trying to drag me in front of cars that he deems as driving too fast...

Loki is 9 and an excellent running partner.

People are always amazed that I live near woods and good running trails and have two dogs and don't run.

Well, time to change that.

And Loki and I aren't doing it solo.

That's right.  I dragged a kid with me.
Today, January 15th, 2017 - I ended up running/walking with both V and A-Man.
A-Man was tired and hadn't napped but played a good sport and did more walking than running.
V-Man absolutely loved it and kept up.

He's not wearing a safety harness anymore - so it was a real eye-opening experience running with the V-Man.

Here's what I learned during our first run - that consisted of 30 minutes:

1. V-Man absolutely loves running.
2. He has grown a lot in the past two years, where I've tried to go jogging (before M-Girl was born) with him and Loki before and it was a Hellish nightmare.  
1. V-Man would stop randomly and trip me, wouldn't run unless he had a stick or rock in his hands...not enjoy whatever route I took etc.  In other words, running was a real pain in the neck.
3. He understands a lot more than I thought when it came to safety.
1. A car was turning in and cutting us off and I simply had to tell him to "Wait - stop.  Car coming" and he immediately stopped running and turned to face me while we waited for the car to turn in.
4. I trust him more.  Maybe because he's 7 and I'm treating him like one (exception of potty-training - which he's still refusing)  but it's made a difference.

It was a really positive and energetic experience I have to say - and I'm looking forward to doing it solo (so I can listen to music and clear my head and go faster) and also with just Loki and V-Man because he could really keep up for a 7-year old child and there was very minimal fuss when it came time to coming home.

As for Loki?

He was pretty confused about me running.  Pretty sad when the dog realizes something is up because I usually don't run at all when with the dogs, unless I have plans and need to bring the dogs home faster.

But he's currently curled up on the sofa with the A-Man dozing off.

My goal with this running business is to just go running every day - minimum 30 minutes total and increase it every week if possible.

It'll be especially useful when going to the gym isn't possible.

I felt super energetic afterward (still do!) and like my head is quite clear even though I was rushing with the boys to make sure they stuck nearby.

Until next time!
BIMU

Reflecting on 2016

I have to warn you that this post is going to be sprinkled with curse words.  SO if that's not your thing - just cross your eyes as you skip along them.

2016 is coming to an end and let me tell you - it fucking sucked.
Sure - I decided that turning 30 - this would be the year of the "Fuck it".
I applied that to most of my year I have to say.

And now I'm going to push forward and end this year off with a bang.

I haven't slept in (anything past 7am) in months.  I've been having crappy quality sleep every.  Single.  Night.

Which says something because I'm spending 40% of my time at home and 40% of my time at another person's home dog-sitting for them (because their dog doesn't get along with Milo) and 50% of my time on a bus between the two (yeah I know - the math doesn't add up) and you would think I would get a ton of good, solid, melt those saggy bags under my eyes away sleep - right?!
Hell no.

My body is still programmed to wake up at whoever gives a crap-o'clock (aka between 2-6am repeatedly) and I am not a coffee drinker.

I had this conversation with our guests last night around the dinner table for Christmas last night - I don't know what's worse:

• Being so tired I can barely function. 

or

• Riding an excellent caffeine (Pepsi preferably) and sugar high and then crashing horribly.

Either option demands I take a nap (none of this "power naps" crap either!) that isn't interrupted and ends with me in tears typically.

These past 3 days - have been a fucking mess.

It doesn't matter how often we drag the kids out hiking with us and the dogs - and it's been an absolute sheet of ice outside (until this morning - yay snow!) - they've protested every nap oppourtunity and sleeping in?!

HA HA HA.

A-Man has been waking up around 4:30-5:00 am - every single freaking day.  Of course playing by oneself isn't satisfying enough - he insists on waking his sister up and she insists on waking V-Man up - who doesn't nap at all.

So let's recap shall we?

School: I did a work practice and while stumbling through it all - it was fun and I'm going to a new work practice across the street from my son's day-care.  So I can't complain about that!

When I did return to school, I was placed with a different group that just started in August.  I took this on as a challenge and an oppourtunity to practice more Finnish.  I get along with most of the group but there are a few - they're incredibly special and push my nerves at every oppourtunity.

Of course, being a mom of 2 special needs child (one moreso than the other) - you would think I would have endless patience for practical strangers that have "something".  

The answer is nope.  And trust me, I've questioned every thing I've said or done that may not be considered 100% super nice.  I'm not saying I beat them with a shovel or tried to knock them over with a pot of soup.  

There were times where my patience was tested with endless Facebook friendship requests and an overabundance of personal questions - or silent observations of reading my text messages over my shoulder...so I just shut down around them to save my sanity.

Maybe it's selfish of me to say that I go to school to get away from my life at home which involves special needs and so I can try to enjoy my time away from home - but it's true.

Things like that.

However, I'll be off to my work practice and can't wait to get lost in a mess of a U-shaped kitchen, not knowing anyone and going under the assumption that nobody speaks or understands English.

I was supposed to practice more Finnish this holiday break but with the unexpected hate relationship between Milo and the guest dog - that kind of went out the window...

Christmas: 
Milo turned 6 on Christmas Day and celebrated by pulling his back leg.

I kept it simple for gifts this year.  Sugar scrubs for all of the teachers.  I skipped the chance to work and sell handicrafts at a Christmas market because I was just simply exhausted.

For friends - pictures of the kids and Christmas bark (melted triple chocolate and sprinkled with toppings and chilled).

I was even psycho enough to think I would get Christmas cards made and ready and on time.  Silly me - I started on the 15th of December. HA.

Needless to say, they're not done or filled or mailed out.

I kept it SO simple - I didn't even put up the window sticker Christmas tree!  Mostly because I couldn't find it.

My dishwasher was perhaps worked too hard and despite regularly deep cleaning it - it crashed on me.  There was a water overflow onto the kitchen floor.  Then a friend popped in with her husband and it worked!
And then it died again and the pump wouldn't push water in after a round.

I'm trying to think positively in the sense that while I'm back to hand-washing dishes - I now have a very suitable two level drying rack beside me...

Dinner went great and the kids were all hyped up on being around each other - that M-Girl opted to refuse a diaper for a solid 25-fucking screechworthy minutes.  It was bed time and she's not 100% potty-trained...so diapers are still necessary for our mattresses and her.

Literally hanging off the bathroom door handle (it was locked) and screaming like a banshee.

I'm honestly surprised she didn't barf.

Today is Boxing Day and I had the pleasure of falling asleep last night while watching Suicide Squad by 11:30pm with the PIC (Partner in Crime - "Hubster" is a real pain in the ass to type repeatedly with auto-correct fixing things up and calling him a "Hipster" ;) ) sitting beside me and I can't tell you what happened in the movie because I passed out after twenty minutes.

I was awoken to "MOMMY - V-MAN SPILLED JUICE!"

That gets me to haul ass pretty fast because we have old wooden floors that soak up anything and everything.

Luckily it was in the kitchen.

Along with about 6 chocolate bars that I needed to finish making gifts for people we were going to see before the New Year.

Oh and M&Ms...and about 3 cups of apple juice all over the fucking floor that PIC just washed yesterday.

Do you see red? I did..

It got to the point this morning - I was losing my voice from screaming so bloody much.

I've been crying for the past 3 days because of my kids.

Following that Willy Wonka display on my floor - I tried to take Loki and the guest dog back to his home - so then there's some calmness in the household.

Well, I offered to take the little two with me and we missed the bus.

WHY?  Because they refused to listen.  They didn't get dressed and decided to jump around and play and dick around plenty.

On our way to the bus stop - there was a slim chance we could still catch it - but no.

A-Man and M-Girl had to stop every two feet to grab fresh snow to eat, knock snow off of bushes and so on.

I know - they're just kids.  I'm the adult.

I can't and shouldn't have the same expectations of them as I would a friend my age.

But when I'm running on little sleep, regularly being told "NO"/screamed at and so on - I begin to test what sanity I have left and therefor question myself as a motherhood.

That certainly was the case today.

I had a hundred thoughts fly through my mind at warp speed and I can confidently write here that I absolutely hated my kids for the better part of today.

Not "hate" to the point you'll read about me murdering them on the front page of the Finnish newspapers!

But they were being awful little shits and I just could not deal with it all.

Between the dishwasher breaking down, the regular screaming and 2/3 male dogs testing each other and trying to rip each other's throats off occasionally - I'm pretty fucking worn out.

Then finding out a family member had a mini stroke last summer - while guests were over and while eating dinner...and nobody felt like telling us - I mean, to each their own...but still.

I'm hoping your holidays were WAY better than mine!

I know it can always - ALWAYS be worse...3 Christmases ago - we had a massive hole in our bathroom sink...so I'm trying to be feeling "blessed" and happy and thankful.

I'm just - having a shitty day and had to get it all out here.  And I clearly need to boost my alcohol consumption and tolerance levels...

Thanks for reading and happy holidays to you and yours. 

<3

BIMU

A Side of Autism: Lack of Decor

The holidays are quickly approaching and you would never know looking in our household.

Every year since V-Man was 2, I have drawn a tree on the glass window of the balcony door or balcony window with snowflakes, an angel and lights etc.

Why? I honestly cannot be bothered to go buy a real tree and have to deal with the possibility of allergies (I don't think I have any - but I don't want to find out 20€+ later), watering it, needles everywhere and the inevitable - kids yanking it down and breaking ornaments or lights in their mouths etc.
As for plastic or fake trees - they're lovely and all - but can still be knocked down repeatedly.

It's hard to get into the spirit of the holidays I suppose - but I rely on the fresh snow outside and my sanity being rather calm and happy because I don't have to keep an extra set of ears/eyes/hands on the kids while I try to do anything and everything.
(Not saying the Hubster doesn't help - he totally does!!  I just mean if he happens to be in the bathroom or out with the dogs - then it's a temporary solo parenting job.)

That and I'm sure my neighbourhood appreciates me not yelling my head off every thirty seconds - if we did have a proper any kind of fake/real tree/decorations for the kids to tear down repeatedly.

However, this year - there's a new shop downtown (the same place where I got his YES and NO buttons) and they have some cute tree alternatives.
There is a little glass Christmas tree that I am thinking of getting and putting out ONLY on Christmas Day morning for present opening.

Of course we have stockings for the kiddos and that's that.
We will probably have our friends over for Christmas dinner again, as we have had in the past - and that's always super fun!  We all end up with super sore tummies from eating so much but that's the joy of the holidays for me.

We do try and catch up with family and friends back in Canada - but of course, Skype usually crashes those days because everyone is trying to reach back home.

As for the kids:

V-Man doesn't get Christmas - as far as we can tell.  He doesn't care about the Santa walking around the grocery store or at the Christmas markets (because he refuses to go to those) and I'm not sure if we will wrap presents this year or just put them in individual big boxes (or reusable shopping bags) for the kids to haul out.

I kind of feel bad wasting wrapping paper and tape...although, I do love wrapping gifts! HA!

A-Man remembers Christmas.  He talked about it for around a week after last year's and this year he has already asked about it!!

M-Girl kind of tags along with whatever A-Man says and whether or not she "gets it" - we shall find out.  She mimics him a lot and repeats things he says as well.  So it's kind of difficult to tell if she has her own true and real opinions yet or if they're just copied off of a particular big brother.

I guess the biggest adjustment for the holiday season is no day-care.  We could put the kids in one but then we would have to do a lot of running about and it's nice to have the kids home and try to remember to NOT nap the whole break (I mean me).

I guess the point of this lengthy post is:

• Don't sweat the small or big stuff.  Trust me - two years ago,  the Hubster went and broke the bathroom sink (massive chunk out of it) 5 minutes before our guests walked into the door.  6 adults and 5 kids...and no usable bathroom sink....and of course my kitchen sink was overflowing with pots and pans!
• It can always be worse.  It's my go-to philosophy.  Kids are hyped up on sugar?  Kids won't sleep because of Santa coming?  It's okay - they make wine for a reason.
• Sleep when you can.  I get you - trust me.  My kids have been waking up for the past few MONTHS between 4:30-6am (including summer holidays).  
• It's almost over.  I love the holiday season as much as the next person - and while I look forward to it - I also look forward to it being over too!

The main thing is that everyone has a safe and happy (as possible) holiday season.

Cheers!
BIMU

Ciao Birthday Parties - An Update!

So, it's been ages - sorry and all that jazz.

I've been swamped with my work practice (done that in October) and now back in school and slightly bored out of my mind!

Bear in mind I was cooking and prepping food for minimum 1500 people - and now, 100.

So, it's a massive change in pace and I'm back in school and trying to survive studying in Finnish!

Kids are all doing great and are all alive!

V-Man and A-Man recently had birthdays (7 and 5) and while I love throwing a birthday party for the two of them (since their birthdays are 2 weeks apart) - I decided not to this year.
Why?

• Time - I simply didn't have time to book a place, grocery shop for the party and plan.
• Money - Trying to save some as much as possible because we have no idea where we will be in the new year.
• Stuff - While we appreciate gifts from our friends for the kids - because we don't know where we will be - we didn't want to have extra things to pack or unfortunately, have to give away!

So instead of a party this year - we agreed to take the boys on their big day to Toys R Us and let them pick one toy.

Then went out for dinner of their choosing and then ice-cream.

I also baked a cake at home for us to enjoy.

This was most effective and simple.

The boys seem to have a good time and I'll be baking V-Man's birthday cake today!

At first I felt bad for not having a party because for us - it was a great way to see all of our friends in one spot (that wasn't our home) and socialize.

Then I just realized it wasn't worth the stress and time/money to do all of it.

Nothing against our friends!!

We just have been swamped with job applications everywhere, school and so on.  

The stress levels in the household have caused my cycles to go psycho and I'm finding myself having "shark week" every 2-3 weeks instead of once a month like a normal woman!

And I found that having a little less stress to be a good thing! :)  Now if only my body would agree and back off!

I've opted to go to the gym at night now once the kids are asleep - I've been having problems sleeping and found that it helps me to sleep better and clears my head from the entire day.

As opposed to just exercising after school and being mentally exhausted by the time the kids go to bed.

Until next time!  Which should be relatively soon as I have to do a lot of recipe writing for the New Year Resolutions...and I have an autism-related post to write up too!

BIMU

A New Friend & A-Man's Assessment

Today, I made a friend.
For anyone who lives abroad, making friends can be tricky.
More so, for anyone who has a special needs or slightly different kind of kid - making friends is rare.
And by "friends", I mean people who truly get where you're coming from because they've been in your shoes before.

If you're wondering why I haven't been blogging lately - I've been swamped.  Just genuinely exhausted yet having a blast with my work practice at the same time.
It's a full-time 9 weeks work practice at a college campus where we prep food for the students and staff (over 1500 people on any given week day), bake and cook food to sell to the public in the connected student shop and also handle catering orders!

Last week, was a rough one as I spent most of my week at the children's neurological clinic getting A-Man assessed.
He was assessed last October for two days and was given the temporary diagnosis of SLI (Specific Language Impairment).

This round was a 4-days long assessment ending with a doctor's appointment and the doctor telling us that she cannot offer a proper diagnosis for A-Man.

However, what we originally suspected - that A-Man is doing awesome because his speech is getting better and he's trying really hard to pronounce words and so on - turns out that he has more than a language issue.

He now has a visual issue as well.

By "visual", I mean the psychologist and speech and occupational therapists tried to give him something to mimic or imitate from a picture and he couldn't or didn't do very well for a child his age.
Like a jigsaw puzzle - look at the photo and try to build it.
Like special blocks where you look at the picture and have to make the same shape or design with them.
Like whenever his sleeves or pant legs are inside out and he refuses to fix it himself...and I feel horrible because I was trying to get him to do it himself...and it turns out he simply couldn't figure it out...and wasn't being lazy!

They've listed his speech and comprehension to be at less than half his age.  He'll be 5 this autumn and he was listed as about a 2-year old in various sections.

They don't suspect it's autism and the doctor explained that they believe when he doesn't listen, despite repeating his name or instructions, or trying to get his attention multiple times - it's just that simply his brain is exhausted.
It just blocks us out and takes a rest pretty much.
Because he has to spend so much brain energy on translating things in his head or trying to figure it out - it's overwhelming and poof.  His mind takes a nap.

As you can imagine, Hubster and I were floored and I am impressed that I held off my tears of frustration and self hate until I got home.
To top it off, this appointment was yesterday - my 1-year death-versary of my dog, Blue...so I was a hot mess anyway.

We are trying to take it a step at a time but he will not be assessed again for another 18-months to see if another year or so will give his body and brain time to catch up, since he's made huge leaps and bounds the past year with his own speech.
Of course, it is not perfect and there are many sounds he simply cannot pronounce - but we've been having less fights for the most part because he's able to express what he wants.

This is also another reason why they can't give him a proper assessment, because his English was so much better than his Finnish and the tests were conducted in Finnish (and some English tossed in) and because he's still quite young to get an official diagnosis.

So to round that chunk of a blog post off, he will be getting occupational therapy to help build his visual skills and continue with speech therapy.
He will be starting pre-school as soon as possible, and starting school earlier - so this way he can hopefully graduate at the same time as his peers his age.

Onto happier news!!

I have a new friend!
She's this lovely little Chinese lady in my work practice and after speaking to the second Chinese lady (also lovely) about my kids - found out that first little Chinese lady has a child on the spectrum too.  I think more Asperger's but still!
And he's 15.

We were making potato bread (mashed potatoes, eggs and flour then roll/flatten, pierce with a fork and bake) and after some quick Chinese between the two, the little one asked me if my son was autistic.
I smiled and said yes and described the V-Man to her and her eyes are pretty wide already but they got bigger and her smile lit the room.

It's then that we had a connection.  A bond that only two people can have after having gone to the special needs trenches and back.
And then I realized that she probably doesn't have friends with a special needs kid like hers - so that made it extra special.  She began to whoop and jump up and down and high-five me like crazy, as we exchanged some stories in Finnish quickly.

I love my friends, I really do and I've gotten pickier over who I'm friends with to be honest.
But my friends that truly know what it's like to care for a kid that's not part of the neurotypical scale - whether it's their own or part of their job - they're an extra special bunch and they're the kind of friends that no matter where you are, you're there for each other.

It's just wonderful to have one more friend here that gets it.
They get the exhaustion, the frustration, the screams and tears and the fears and nightmares of raising a kid like the V-Man (and A-Man).
They don't judge, they actually want you to visit with your family and they're just as relieved to know they're not alone.

Today, I made a friend.

BIMU