The "D-word"

First and foremost - this is going to be a simple, matter of fact kind of post.

For those wondering why I've been quiet here - I've been busy.  I've been crying.  I've been stressed to the max.  I've been happy and have good days too.

First of all - I apologize I've been absolutely crap at updating this blog and making vlogs.  My phone speaker is busted - but today I realized (over a year later) that I could just look like a dork and film with headphones or earphones for the sound to work properly.  Duh.

So, my goal is to get back onto that.

Now, the D-word.
It's not pleasant - it's not a happy thing.

The PIC (Partner in Crime) and I are getting a divorce.  I filed it this past week.
I'm sure you're wondering why - simply, we just fell apart and didn't love each other anymore.  Of course there are a variety of little things - and funny enough, it's always the little things that mean the most and can impact the most as well.

He's still my PIC.  He's my friend - one could even say he's a best friend (which I define by how comfortable I am with farting around someone to be honest!) .
He's a great father and I will even go further and say he's a great guy.
He's the better parent in terms of patience and the ability to think things through.

We are just too opposite.  We want different things.
But the main thing we want is our kids to be happy and ourselves as well.
Our kids are the main priority currently and the transition of things has been noticed by the kids within the last few months.

First of all, this was not an easy decision.  PIC and I had been together for 10 years (2016) before I decided I would be filing.
We had been through a lot - moving from one country to another, having separated temporarily for a couple of months prior to moving to Finland and so on.

It's something that I was going to write about a year ago, after careful consideration and thought for a few months last year.  PIC requested I didn't say anything publicly until it was official.

While it takes 6-months to accept and be fully processed in Finland - I feel it's safe now to post this.

I do not want to glorify divorce.  I don't have an opinion on those divorcing, fighting through to save their marriage or whatever their situation may be.  Their situation is their own thing and for us - we are doing our thing.
We tried therapy several times, we tried to patch things up - but it all boiled down to the same things that set us apart and eventually we couldn't take it anymore.
Or I guess I couldn't - since I am the one filing.

I will not have a celebratory party like some people do - nor, will we do a divorce selfie (apparently this is the latest trend??).
Although, I totally get those that trash their dress when in the situation where they escaped a really negative and hurtful marriage!

We didn't tell many people about the divorce because we didn't want people to feel bad for us.  We wanted to keep a strong, united front for the kids (and dogs) and also, financially - it was just smarter.

We continued to live together contently and our kids never noticed that Mommy and Daddy didn't hug or kiss.  They're young and forgetful and it worked in our favour.
We still hung out and watched movies when the kids went to sleep.  We still took the kids to places together - we just simply didn't wear our wedding bands and nobody said anything.
In all fairness, he rarely wore his anyway due to Crohn's affecting his weight and him not wanting to lose his ring.
When I started cooking school - I wasn't allowed wearing it during kitchen hours - so just left it at home.

But recently, things have changed and I moved out.

So I decided I would take advantage of all these students moving out nearby and rent a tiny student flat for the summer.
I tried to bring the dogs with me - while it had enough space - Milo couldn't handle it.  I truly believe he had a panic attack of grand proportions and because I only will have this flat for now until August - it doesn't make sense to condition and teach him it's a safe space - only to start all over again in 2.5 months.

For me, moving to a tiny TINY flat - forces me to get rid of my crap.  I had so many things in the bedroom that I was embarrassed.
I found gym clothes I didn't even know I had - and hadn't worn in years (or ever).
I dug out four 150L bags of garbage from the bedroom.  I hadn't even gone under the bed yet!
That is sad.

For me, it is like hitting rock bottom with my second-hand shopping obsession and craft supplies etc.

So, I'm cleaning out this summer.  That's my summer holidays with the kids.
I'm splitting a table at the second-hand shop and only posting stuff there I KNOW will sell!

So! How have the kids been handling it?
V-Man probably hasn't noticed much.

You see, I have been going to the gym at night time once the kids are settled in bed around 7-8pm anyway.  So they never see me at night typically and now that I've moved out - I leave about the same time and come back for the dogs then drop them off before heading home again.

A-Man noticed that I had packed DVDs and was asking why I did it.  I told him I was cleaning up.
Of course everything I packed didn't and couldn't come with me.  But I wanted to plan for August, where I planned to move then anyhow.

Here's a conversation we had:

"Mommy why you have a new place?"
"Because Mommy and Daddy fight a lot and we are not happy.  But we love you, M-Girl and V-Man and the doggies very much!"
"Well, I'm going to fight with Daddy!"
"No.  Daddy is super nice and you need to be nice to Daddy and listen.  No fighting."
"Well, if you get a new home - then we don't have a Mommy."

*Cue tears.
I then had to explain that he'll always have us as parents and that we aren't replacing anyone or anything like that.
We did try our best to not fight in front of the kids after our first major fight a year ago and A-Man boldly told us to go in different rooms on time out and then after we had to apologize and hug/kiss each other to say sorry.
Thankfully, we never fought much to begin with!

M-Girl has been a bit up and down with me having my own space - even though I'm a 15-minutes walk from door to door - but of course, being the youngest - she's a little confused.

So as it stands right now - we will continue to co-parent the best way we can and eventually when I can get a larger flat and preferably closer to V-Man's school so there's less stress about the taxi - then we can attempt some bi-weekly arrangement so we both get equal free-time.

And that's pretty much it!
It's been an interesting journey and writing this all out has been incredibly therapeutic for me.

So I thank you for reading and following and tolerating my poky self when it comes to posting here!
XOXO
BIMU

Turning 30 (aka the year of "F*ck it!") and Owning a Bikini

I am 30 years old for all of almost 6 months and have finally decided to take a big step.

I bought my first bikini.

I, like millions of other women, am self-conscious and have never owned one as a child - never mind as a teenager or as a young adult.

Of course, those were the years (the younger ones) when my body was in its best shape and stretch mark-free!

But unlike millions of other women - I was raised to cover my stomach because I don't have a belly button.  I am confident and sure that my parents meant well and didn't want people to stare or ask me questions I simply didn't know the answer to!

I honestly had to do a Google search for "no belly button scar" and got "gastroschisis" - I honestly can't read my doctor's hand writing - so I knew it started with "gastro".  Sad but it's true - doctors handwriting is really difficult to read!

So what does it mean?

It means that I was born with my stomach open - not like a hernia - but my actual stomach on the outside - was wide open and my organs were hanging out.
They rushed me to the OR and tossed them back in and I got a lovely scar that I am finally - FINALLY - comfortable with sharing.
Having being born in the 80's - my doctor confirmed that it should've been picked up in the ultrasound but for some reason, it never was.

"You were quite the surprise delivery!  I'll never forget it!" my lovely doctor told me when I finally gathered the courage to ask her during one of my prenatal appointments with the V-Man.
I also asked if I could carry and deliver a child as naturally as possible, and she confirmed it should be fine.

(I haven't had any issues regarding my scar and any of the pregnancies or deliveries.  Funny enough, the Finnish doctors and midwives thought I had a C-Section gone terribly wrong!  And yes - I have stretch marks.)

When I was 18 and getting my first tattoo, the lady asked me if I wanted my belly button pierced instead - because I brought a friend and was so nervous about the pain of a tattoo.
I laughed my head off and said that wasn't possible but let's get on with the tattoo.  She was a complete stranger and I showed her my stomach quickly and she thought it was beautiful.  She wanted to tattoo birds and vines and flowers along my scar and I felt like it was a kind of nice way to embrace it, out of my 18-year old budget and it would somewhat tarnish it - when I really just wanted my Aquarius symbol tattooed on my back.

I also remembering going to my boyfriend's house after school and telling my Dad I would be home by 9pm and he asked what we were going to do.
"I'm getting my belly button pierced!" I yelled up the stairs and my Dad - God love him - he came rushing with his face flushed red and told me I was NOT allowed to go to my boyfriend's house and I should come straight home.
"But Dad...I don't have one to pierce!" 
He looked at me strangely, told me to be home no later than 9pm and walked away while I cackled out the door.
So yes, I can and do get a crack out of it every now and again.

It took a lack of tankini's (a 2-piece bathing suit but tank top) and not many nice options of a single piece bathing suit - for me to finally cave and get a bikini.

Sure, I could've gotten a bikini and thrown on a t-shirt and had horrible tan lines or had to deal with a wet t-shirt all the way home...

And of course, living in Finland - the wonderful sauna - I've never had issues with going with my husband or my girlfriends and that's because nobody looks at you.  They just talk or sit silently and enjoy the steam.
That and my friend I usually go with on Friday evenings - also wears glasses - so we couldn't see each other if we tried. :P

But - I'm tired.
Not just because I'm a mother - but I was simply tired of hiding my body AND trying to find a suitable bathing suit that wouldn't be too revealing, would be comfortable enough, fits etc.
Of course - I have some rolls and tightening up to do - but I'm finally confident and happy with myself and my body.
I'm not implying I want to be a stripper or porn star any time soon...so to my dear parents - don't freak out if you read this! :P

Turning 30 opened a new chapter in my life  (not just the upcoming "Cougar" status aka turning 40) - in which I simply do not give a sweet f*ck fuck anymore.
I've parted ways with negativity - negative people and those associated or reminded me too much of them and events.
I've opened up my mind to new experiences and things and continue to just try to be the best person I can be and go from there.
I'm learning to do things for ME - and I don't mean using the bathroom and taking a shower...
I'm studying at a Finnish cooking school and finally doing something I've wanted to do since I was 18.

A friend, much wiser and older than me - and has their own set of scars advised me that it's a part of me. It's not going to go away or change -so instead of hating it so much - why not love it?

How can I possibly expect my children to be proud of their bodies and brains - if I am not confident or proud of myself?

So if you have scars, if you have stretch marks - they're a part of you.  Be proud and don't be ashamed.  
Either fork over a ton of cash to try and get rid of them via laser treatments - or just try to embrace them as best as possible.
It can always be worse and just try to take it a day at a time.  That's all anyone can ask of you - and of you to ask of yourself.

You're beautiful - inside and out.

XO,

BIMU