Since my last blog post was posted - I've had a lot of friends write me lovely things and telling me I'm brave and that they had no idea I was feeling depressed.
I guess that's the thing with depression (at least for me) - it's always there - usually quite tame and doesn't bother me until the last straw lands on the camel's back and I explode. So I just hold it in and try my best to sleep it off.
As many of you know - women's brains are just hyper wired to think about a kajillion different things at once.
I just can't shut it off and wish I could. Not sure if any women can - but anyway. I've been buying myself a lot of different colouring books for grown-ups and they help. I've also been doodling a bit (they're on Instagram) and trying to go to bed early - in the hopes my brain just flushes itself out.
Since my last blog post was posted - I nearly tore my hair out (literally) - as I was baking cookies for a party my husband and 2/3 kids were going to.
2/3 kids decided to climb on the very chair I needed to get the eggs down from the top shelf.
That was a straw....on top of the already toppling basket of straw falling off the camel's back.
I began screaming, crying and yanking my hair and pinching my face.
Husband looked at me and asked, "What is wrong with you?! What's wrong?"
Then he ushered the kids out of the kitchen as I sat on the floor yanking my hair out and while closing the door to my sobs muttered, "Fine - hold it in."
It's what I do best. I hold my tongue, I don't say what's really on my mind ("Hey you - I really think you're a snobby bitch and can't stand being around you and therefor have been pretending to like you for the last X while"..."I'd consider suicide but I can't even handle a paper cut...so that's just a no go I guess."...just doesn't sound really nice does it?), I hold in my feelings and emotions and I try my hardest to remember:
"It can always be worse."
Then my mind goes onto overdrive and I think of all the horrible things that I'm personally bitching about and all the things that are going on in other families/in the world:
- I don't talk with my own family very much (to the point we don't even Skype and 2/3 of my kids haven't "met" them online) VS Some people don't have any.
- I have a husband that loves me and when I tell him I'm depressed he doesn't say anything because he doesn't know what to say and that's that. He's used to me doing the chatting and he's waiting patiently for me to un-cork the bottle and spill the millions of little beans in my head. VS Some people don't have a loved one (romantic or otherwise) they can tell they're depressed.
- Same husband ordered Netflix when I was fairly against it because I don't want to be a couch potato - as I hear this is rather common with becoming a Netflix member.
- I wish he wasn't autistic VS Some people have much worse disabilities or life-threatening diseases/conditions, some people have lost their babies or kids to cancer, diabetes etc.
- I shouldn't bitch so much about this at all. This blog post shall remind me.
- I have just gotten a Finnish test back and passed with a 58%. I dread going to class because my brain isn't absorbing anything and I just really don't feel I'm up to snuff to be in level 2 Finnish (and I'm not seeking compliments or being too modest - I'm being flat-out honest!). But my teacher thinks I can do it and she's tickled pink if I understand about 50% that comes out of her mouth.
- Trust me - the last day of the class is circled big and bright in my calendar.
- I can't talk to SH because he's busy working and he already took some time off to help me with this or that...We've already had this chat before that he's okay with me interrupting him but still - I feel bad and don't want to. I'd rather just take a nap and hope it goes away for awhile.
- Can't nap because V-Man likes stripping...and he's not potty-trained.
- Remember this appointment and that - a long and never ending cycle.
- My dishwasher has been broken for nearly 4 weeks now (waiting on some valve to be ordered in and they're coming on Tuesday to fix it) VS some people don't have one or food to eat etc.
- My bathroom sink is STILL broken. It's been broken since Christmas Day and I'm going soon to get a replacement then hopefully the "janitor" of the building can come and fix it.
- Because not a single fucking plumber in Jyväskylä seems to be interested in helping a family of 5 NOT cut their fingers (mostly V-Man and M-Girl playing with the sharp edges) or be able to brush their teeth and wash their hands in the bathroom.
Anyways these are some examples of the crap going on in my mind - never mind the cleaning, laundry, un-finished projects and homework to do.
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Oh right, I meant to write something semi-funny here to help lighten up the blog's dark clouds.
Remember I went to the hospital with V-Man today? (I briefly mentioned it in the last post).
Well, I went out with my friend and our dogs and noticed when I got back that V-Man's nose is swollen.
And I don't mean a bit swollen because he rubbed it too hard or boinked it in the sofa while jumping.
I mean half his nose was abnormally large and his eye lid was shifting a bit too because it was THAT swollen. Of course I couldn't get a decent photo because he kept moving and didn't want me to touch it either.
So after I called a friend that works in the kids-are-little-dangerous-beings department (she's a health center nurse) - she confirmed that we should definitely get to the hospital and get it checked out.
An hour and 20 minutes later we were out with the advice to keep an eye on it and if the swelling doesn't go down by Tuesday - to get him checked out.
It took hubby and I ages to figure out WTF happened.
Did he fall? Did he get hit in the face?
Did he fall? Did he get hit in the face?
No. Not today...
Wait a second. V-Man and A-Man were fighting a couple nights ago and A-Man took his Hulk toy (aka a solid chunk of green plastic with dark purple shorts) and swung it into V-Man's face.
LIKE A BASEBALL BAT.
And while there wasn't any blood at that time - there also wasn't any swelling!
But after that - he was kind of dopey and not himself. (Mild concussion?) He also had a small fever at one point.
We also didn't notice anything wrong with his nose or face either. This morning he threw an absolute fit about washing his face and hubby didn't notice the swelling then either.
When I told the doctor this, she nodded and felt the nose briefly (or tried to) and said there's nothing she can do right now until the swelling goes down. And if the swelling goes down and the nose is severely crooked - then they'll have to set it properly.
And that he may not have had any swelling until today because he may have done something and pushed it over a bit somehow.
Here's the funny bit - I remember telling hubby that V-Man would break something by the time he was 5 or around then - back when V-Man was 1.
He's that much of an adventurous child...although this wasn't his fault.
HULK SMASH!
BIMU
PS Too soon? Bad joke? Yes probably. But I chuckled. :)
Anyone have contacts with a baseball league that'll take my 3-year old A-Man and his Hulk doll? That thing is a beast and can really swing.
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