Monday, 20 April 2015

"No Pain, No Gain"

Well if that ^ isn't the truth then I don't know what is anymore.

I went to the hospital thirty minutes early today, took an ibuprofen and read a book I started a couple days ago - a Jack Reacher novel by Lee Child (my first one!).
Anyhow, I waited and waited and my appointment time came and left...the procedure's only supposed to take up to ten minutes so I was confused why I waited nearly forty-five minutes but anyhow.
Finally it was my turn and I walked into a room with two female nurses and a male doctor waiting to do the procedure.
The doctor clearly explained the point of Essure and it was everything I had read about in English (in case the doctor didn't speak English or very well) and I was prepared.

I had expected some pain relievers beforehand, as I read online that some women got a needle down south so they were numb and couldn't feel anything.
That was not my case.

It was honestly a really cool procedure - I don't dare say "surgery" because no incisions were made and I wasn't knocked out for it.  The nurses strapped my feet into these black Donald Duck-like boots on stirrups and as I was shimmying my butt down closer to the doctor he decided it was prime time for some small talk.
Just mostly chit chat about my children's names and why we went with Finnish names and the nurses spoke with me in Finnish asking what languages they spoke and so on.
They thought A-Man's samples of Finnglish were adorable and then there was a camera placed inside.
It was really slender and tiny - didn't even know he had placed it inside, had it not been for the jumbo flat screen behind his head up on the wall for me to see my insides.
They also flushed my insides with saline water so they could see everything afterwards - do have a pad in your underwear because it'll be raining down there for awhile.

Once my Fallopian tubes were found - he showed me the tiny Essure coil and then click click - he inserted it.  He was able to do this all from this tube-like device (trust me - I would've taken photos if I had my phone in my hand - it was that neat!) - so there was no need for jumbo male doctor fingers to go inside.
Is it just me or do I always get doctors with long finger nails or jumbo log-sized fingers?!

That's when the pain started.  Good grief!
I thought and expected some pain of course - but once they were in and the camera removed - I put my underwear and pants on and was ready to pass out from the pain.

Have you ever been in labour before?  Or had serious crohn's pains?  Or severe period pains?
Or maybe you've had migraines that were super nasty and you were nearly blinded by the pain?
On top of all that mushed up together - you were also kinda hungry since you weren't allowed to eat or drink 4-6 hours prior.
That was me.

The doctor inquired how I felt during the procedure and I told him bluntly that it didn't hurt until he put the second coil in and I may as well be in labour right now.
He looked at me trying to hold my tears back and requested some pain relief from the nurse for me.
"Do many women feel like they're having contractions right after this?!  Why is this so ridiculously painful?  And I don't mean emotional pain - this is CONTRACTION pain!" I grunted at him - tears pouring down my face.

It wasn't enough.  They gave me 1.4 grams (plus the 400 grams I had 45 minutes before going in) in painkillers and also a shot of direct pain relief into the back of my hip/arse.
I laid in a recovery room bed - thankfully alone and just sobbed.
Finally the drugs started to kick in enough that I could walk slowly and I went on the bus - since I needed groceries anyway.  The nurses were super nice and even the doctor took a peek in on me lying in bed and they told me I'll have an appointment in August some time to test the tubes and see if they're blocked or not.

I grabbed some Subway and got a bit of groceries that I could carry comfortably and the pain seemed to subside (thank goodness).
While eating my sandwich I saw a very pregnant lady waddle into the mall and was quickly reminded that this pain (should be!) is temporary and the reason for getting Essure - is because I don't want to be pregnant again.
3 is enough and we're more than happy with that.

So - no pain, no gain indeed.

*Update: It's the morning after and I'm happy to let you know I'm not feeling any pain at all!

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