I'm done pretending like everything is awesome and I like everyone (fact: I don't) and perhaps I need a nap and perhaps not.
I'm just so frustrated and even went as far as leaving a knitting group I started almost two years ago because of several things.
1. I wasn't getting any knitting done anyway. It's more of a hang-out have coffee etc fest and while that's fine and dandy - my yarn stash still isn't going down. Especially if I bring A-Man with me.
2. It was getting expensive and with SH having to start paying back his student loans soon - I just cannot resist a piece of cake or a cookie etc. - then end up feeling sick as a dog afterward - and obviously doesn't help to save money. This is fairly new but chocolate, smell of booze or cigarette smoke give me massive headaches now or stomach aches - so I've been avoiding chocolate and most super sugary sweets.
3. I think I'm becoming an introvert. Now that I'm surrounded every weekday with classmates that I don't really talk with (except one guy because we met briefly in the last course I did) - I just really want to be alone.
4. Lots of other itty bitty private reasons.
Of course with a home full of 3 kids and 2 dogs and an introverted husband already - this is easier said than done.
I've honestly had a shitty forty-eight hours and I'm pretty sure my depression is coming back (shocked? Don't be - I don't actually post everything on Facebook) and I'd consider asking for help from a psychologist if it wasn't for the fact that it's the holiday weekend, and the last time I told a doctor I was feeling very depressed (when pregnant with M-Girl) - I was laughed off and advised "You look fine" - I suppose because I took a shower and didn't want to go out in public looking like a grease bomb.
1. I didn't want to have any more children.
2. I packed a bag, ensured I had money in the bank account for a 1-way plane ticket to Canada and had a passport.
I was advised by the doctor that "it's just your hormones and you've been married too long."
No questions asked about self-harm, harm to the kids if applicable or suicidal thoughts.
Yep - contemplated suicide several times (even 5 minutes ago after a fairly useless visit to the hospital with the V-Man) but I'm trying to be "better than that". I'm trying to be as nosy as fuck and continuously think about my kids' future.
It's the only thing keeping me going.
I once shared a post about being forgiving because everyone suffers and a friend immediately snuffed it saying that they try to be kind to others who deserve it and are indeed suffering. I say nay nay - be kind - you never know when it can help down the road.
I've weeded out my FB friends list down to people I actually talk to. Goal would be under 100 but let's see how this goes.
Don't be offended if you're deleted - it just means while I appreciate the friendship we had - we don't talk anymore, so see you around.
I'm sorry this post isn't as cheery or happy-go-lucky as possible but this is how it is.
It comes in waves and I just have an ice-cream and it goes away or it comes crashing down (like now) and I just want to scream non-stop, dig a hole - a really deep one - and never come out.