Friday, 3 April 2015

No I'm Not Okay

I'm done pretending like everything is awesome and I like everyone (fact: I don't) and perhaps I need a nap and perhaps not.
I'm just so frustrated and even went as far as leaving a knitting group I started almost two years ago because of several things.

1.  I wasn't getting any knitting done anyway.  It's more of a hang-out have coffee etc fest and while that's fine and dandy - my yarn stash still isn't going down.  Especially if I bring A-Man with me.
2.  It was getting expensive and with SH having to start paying back his student loans soon - I just cannot resist a piece of cake or a cookie etc. - then end up feeling sick as a dog afterward - and obviously doesn't help to save money.  This is fairly new but chocolate, smell of booze or cigarette smoke give me massive headaches now or stomach aches - so I've been avoiding chocolate and most super sugary sweets.
3.  I think I'm becoming an introvert.  Now that I'm surrounded every weekday with classmates that I don't really talk with (except one guy because we met briefly in the last course I did) - I just really want to be alone.
4.  Lots of other itty bitty private reasons.

Of course with a home full of 3 kids and 2 dogs and an introverted husband already - this is easier said than done.

I've honestly had a shitty forty-eight hours and I'm pretty sure my depression is coming back (shocked? Don't be - I don't actually post everything on Facebook) and I'd consider asking for help from a psychologist if it wasn't for the fact that it's the holiday weekend, and the last time I told a doctor I was feeling very depressed (when pregnant with M-Girl) - I was laughed off and advised "You look fine" - I suppose because I took a shower and didn't want to go out in public looking like a grease bomb.

How depressed?
1.  I didn't want to have any more children.
2.  I packed a bag, ensured I had money in the bank account for a 1-way plane ticket to Canada and had a passport.
I was advised by the doctor that "it's just your hormones and you've been married too long."
No questions asked about self-harm, harm to the kids if applicable or suicidal thoughts.

Yep - contemplated suicide several times (even 5 minutes ago after a fairly useless visit to the hospital with the V-Man) but I'm trying to be "better than that".  I'm trying to be as nosy as fuck and continuously think about my kids' future.

It's the only thing keeping me going.

I once shared a post about being forgiving because everyone suffers and a friend immediately snuffed it saying that they try to be kind to others who deserve it and are indeed suffering.  I say nay nay - be kind - you never know when it can help down the road.

I've weeded out my FB friends list down to people I actually talk to.  Goal would be under 100 but let's see how this goes.
Don't be offended if you're deleted - it just means while I appreciate the friendship we had - we don't talk anymore, so see you around.

I'm sorry this post isn't as cheery or happy-go-lucky as possible but this is how it is.
It comes in waves and I just have an ice-cream and it goes away or it comes crashing down (like now) and I just want to scream non-stop, dig a hole - a really deep one - and never come out.

Helplessly yours,


  1. Not gonna say I totally understand your feeling at the moment coz one can never fully understand how other's feeling and what they are actually going through but I can honestly say that hands down you are one of the most interesting, loving, caring and fullof life persons I have ever met (though we officially met only twice outside, I am an avid follower of your blog so I feel like I know you well enough). I am not just saying these to make you feel better but you actually insprie me a lot ( pretty sure a whole lot of ppl out there too). I don't mean to diminish your situation or feeling when I say "This shall too pass" but it will pass so hang in there. Sending lots of hugs and energy to you !!

    1. Thank you very much for your kind words and encouragement! :)
      I'm not quite sure who you are - but certainly an angel.

      Thanks again.